(My four-year-old nephew had climbed up the counter to sneak away a large carving knife. My brother-in-law finds him in the garden chopping leaves with it, but not before he’d given himself a small cut on his finger. After scolding him, my brother-in-law gives him a talking to.)

Brother-In-Law: “Now. What have we learned from this?”

Nephew: “Use a smaller knife.”

(We’ve just gotten home from seeing a movie. We’re about to have sex. My boyfriend suddenly stops while he’s undoing my belt buckle.)

Boyfriend: “Hey, you know that new Disney movie? The one with all the snow?”

Me: “Uh… yeah?”

Boyfriend: “I like the queen’s hair. It’s a nice color.”

(He then carries on as though nothing had happened.)

Husband: “Where’s the rice cooker?”

Me: “It’s the one on the right.”

Husband: “No. We have a red one.”

Me: “We got rid of it months ago. The non-stick coating was flaking off in the rice.”

Husband: “But we only had it for a few years!”

Me: “We had it for over seven years.”

Husband: “Are you going to throw me away after seven years?”

Me: “If you start flaking your non-stick coating all over our food? Yes.”

(I pop into my friend’s house to give her something. My friend is talking to their dad.)

Friend: “Tell [My Name] what you just told me.”

Dad: “No.”

Friend: “He just said to me, ‘I’ve had to change what I hand I use to wipe my bum with. It’s very weird.'”

(I had to leave straight away without saying anything before I lost it!)

(I’m lying in bed with my computer after coming home from celebrating my graduation. My fiancé is laying next to me.)

Fiancé: “Alright. It’s bedtime.”

(When I don’t respond, he bites my computer and pretends to eat it, making ‘nomming’ sounds.)

Me: “Why are you eating my computer?”

Fiancé: “I like every last bit of it. It’s good to the last byte.”

Me: *groans* “The sad part is I got that on the first statement… and I’m drunk.”