(I’m sitting on the couch with my daughter, who is just learning to talk at the time. I’m pretty nerdy for a girl and I am wearing a Batman shirt.)
Daughter: “What’s that?”
Me: “That’s Batman, sweetie. Can you say ‘Batman?’”
Daughter: *thinks* “… Mommy!”
Me: “You are the best kid ever.”
(My boyfriend and I are eating dinner and watching the movie ‘Princess Mononoke.’ We’re at the scene where a female character spits chewed food into a male character’s mouth because he’s too weak to chew it himself.)
Boyfriend: “That’s gross!”
Me: *shrugs* “Well, he’s too weak to do it himself.”
(My boyfriend turns to me with his mouth open and full of chewed food.)
Boyfriend: “I have to save you!” *attempts to kiss me*
Me: “NO!”
Boyfriend: “But you’re dying!”
Me: “Then let me die!”
(I am watching my sisters while my parents are out. We are trying to decide what to do.)
Sister #1: “We could watch a movie.”
Me: “Alright, let’s vote. Who wants to watch a movie?”
(They all raise their hands, and I don’t.)
Me: “Too bad this isn’t a democracy!”
(My mother, brother, and I are polishing items of silver and brass to sell on at a car boot sale. I’d been working all day prior and was doing a half-hearted job.)
Mum: “Come on now, [My Name]. Give it a bit of ‘Oomph’!”
Me: “Right! [Brother], where’s the ‘Oomph?’”
Brother: “It’s in the bottom drawer, next to the ‘NYYEEEAARGH!’”
(I am visiting my girlfriend and her sister. They are Chinese immigrants. English is their second language, so my girlfriend often asks me to help her write or review her essays and homework. I am sitting on her couch with her going over her latest assignment.)
Me: “This one’s not that bad, but you need to stop using ‘therefore’ so often.”
Girlfriend: *nodding* “Okay. What else should I use?”
(My girlfriend’s sister comes up behind us and observes what we are doing.)
Girlfriend’s Sister: *gasps* “You are helping her with her homework?”
Me: “Yep. Just some essay corrections.”
Girlfriend’s Sister: “You can help me with *my* essay homework! It’s three pages and due in half hour!”
Me: “Well, go get it! I’ll do what I can.”
(The sister runs to get her laptop and sits down next to me. It is displaying her blank desktop. I sit there expectantly, but she does not show me anything.)
Me: “Well… Where’s your essay?”
Girlfriend’s Sister: “I have not written it yet.”
