(I’m at my grandma’s house for Thanksgiving. My cousins, who are sisters, get into a huge argument while cleaning up after dinner.)

Cousin #1: “God, [Cousin #2], can’t you do anything right?”

Cousin #2: “Go to H***.”

Cousin #1: “I’ll meet you there.”

Cousin #2: “At least I’m not a 25-year-old virgin.”

Cousin #1: “No, you’re an 18-year-old s***.”

Cousin #2: “F*** you! Wait. Nobody wants to!”

Cousin #1: “You’re going to end up pregnant. You’re way too young for this.”

Cousin #2: “I’m 18. I’ve been with the same guy for three years. I lost my virginity two months ago. WE USE CONDOMS. I think I’m doing all right.”

Cousin #1: “Well… I… I’m telling mom!”

Cousin #2: “Go for it. What’s she going to do? Tell me I’m too young to get laid? You should try it. Might make you less of an uptight b****.”

(My older cousin stomps off and pouts for the rest of the night. My younger cousin ended up marrying that boyfriend right out of college. They’ve been married seven years and have two adorable babies.)

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(We are watching something on the news about Prince William.)

Little Sister: “Who is Prince William?”

Me: “The Prince of England, Charles’ son.”

Little Sister: “Who is that?”

Me: “Charles is the Queen’s son, and William is Charles’ son. His brother is Harry.”

Little Sister: “Who is THAT!”

Mother: “William is Kate’s husband.”

Little Sister: “OH! That’s who she is married to!”

(I’m just finished eating with my roommate and her boyfriend at our apartment.)

Roommate: “I guess it is my turn on dishes.”

Her Boyfriend: “I’ll do them for you.”

Roommate: “You don’t have to. I’d still love you.”

Me: “But it would help, just a little.”

Roommate: “Actually, it helps a lot.”

Her Boyfriend: “Like hand sanitizer!”

(We both give him a weird look.)

Her Boyfriend: “It helps 99.99%, like hand sanitizer kills 99.99% of germs.”

(My boyfriend and I are about to get intimate.)

Me: “I just want to put you in a watermelon juicer and drain you of all your juices and sip up all your milk like a boost juice.”

Boyfriend: “I want to cut you up like a pumpkin and roast you!”

Me: *horrified*

Boyfriend: “Wow… That’s not very sexy is it?”

(I am female. I have been planning proposing to my boyfriend for months. I buy a ring that is perfect and come up with the idea of a cheesy clichéd proposal on Christmas. I write out a ton of stuff that we say to each other (mostly ‘meow’ and ‘bark’) on about six and one-half feet of ribbon. I tuck it in his stocking with the intention of telling him there is a present in there. However, one of our pets gets a hold of it, and my boyfriend notices the ribbon hanging out.)

Boyfriend: “Baby?”

(He pulls a bit of the ribbon out, reads a little bit, and starts just pulling all of it out.)

Me: *panicked* “READ IT! YOU HAVE TO READ IT! ALL OF IT!”

(He reads it, gets to the end and finds the ring tied to the end.)

Boyfriend: *reading* “In Brightest Meow, in Blackest Bark, To Infinimeow and Barkyond, I will follow you to the ends of Middle Earth, To Gallifrey and Back, To Live Long and Prosper, With this One Ring, Will You Marry Me?”

(He looks up at me, smiling.)

Boyfriend: “Of course I will!

Me: “You weren’t supposed to find it yet… I’m not even wearing pants!”