(I’m seeing a guy in a friends-with-benefits type relationship. Neither of us is the kind of person to do the whole lovey-dovey, hand-holding thing. As such, we say things that most people in monogamous relationships never would.)
Me: “Do you want to come to my graduation?”
Guy: “Only if, when you walk across the stage, I get to yell out, ‘I totally tapped that!'”
(My girlfriend and I have both had sort of a rough night. I get half joke-y, half insecure when my girlfriend is about to go to bed.)
Me: “[Name]? Do you love me?”
Girlfriend: “Yes, I love you.”
Me: “Are you sure?”
Girlfriend: “Yes. I love you so much. I—”
Me: “Are you positive? Certain? Confident? One hundred percent?”
Girlfriend: “Well, the more you keep asking…”
(My boyfriend is a big motor head. I, however, do not get the obsession. We are watching a car show at my parents’ house, who we are staying with over the holidays. Some expensive ‘supercar’ has just come on screen.)
Boyfriend: “That is the sexiest thing I have ever seen.”
Me: “Um… Excuse me? Want to rethink that one?”
(My boyfriend gets very quiet and contemplative before finally responding.)
Boyfriend: “Nope. I’m not getting any tonight anyway. I stand by my statement.”
(My wife’s 80-year-old mother lives with us. She is going to visit other relatives for the holidays so we decide to open gifts early. The gift I receive is a new Crock Pot.)
Mom: *craning her neck to try to see the box* “What brand is the Crock Pot?”
Me: “Crock Pot.”
Mom: “I know it’s a Crock Pot, but what brand is it?”
Me: “Crooock, Poooootttt.”
Mom: *looks confused*
Me: “The brand name is Crock Pot. It’s the original makers of slow cookers.”
Mom: *still looks confused*
Me: “It’s like Kleenex. There are many brands of tissue but a lot of times people just call any of them Kleenex. While a lot of people call slow cookers Crock Pots, technically it’s only a Crock Pot if it’s made by Crock Pot. Hamilton Beach makes slow cookers, but they aren’t Crock Pots.”
Mom: *still looks confused*
Wife: “THE BRAND NAME IS CROCK POT!”
(My wife then tries to explain other words that are used generically, like Xerox, and Band-Aid.)
Me: “Crock Pot is the brand of the original maker of slow cookers. Other brands usually will just say ‘slow cooker’ on them because Crock Pot is a brand.”
Mom: “Well, a lot of recipes say Crock Pot, not slow cooker.”
(At this point I decide not to continue the conversation, although inside my head I’m screaming. Later on I see her again looking at the box to figure out what brand it is.)
(I am using the bathroom and hear my six-year-old son in the other bathroom on the other side of the wall.)
Son: “WOOHOO!… WOOHOO!… WOOHOO!”
Me: *yelling loudly so he can hear me through the wall* “GOING POTTY USUALLY ISN’T A REASON TO CELEBRATE LIKE THAT, BUDDY!”
