(My boyfriend and I are having a shower together. He has his back turned to me.)

Me: “You know, if I put two googly eyes right here on your lower back your bum cheeks are the perfect shape to make a cat face. Is that strange?”

Boyfriend: “I think that’s not always romantic…”

(It’s the middle of the night. My sister and I are sitting on the couch watching TV. Suddenly our dad comes out of the study laughing.)

Dad: “What are you girls doing right now?”

Sister: “Why?”

Dad: “Come here. I’ve got to show you something.”

Me: “[Sister’s Name], you go and report back.”

(My sister goes with my dad into the study and, after about a minute, I hear them laughing. My sister comes back nearly in tears.)

Me: “What was it?”

Sister: “It was a scene from a movie where two guys are having a spit fight and one spits in the other’s mouth!”

Me: “Ewwww…”

(Suddenly we see our dad taking his laptop into his room.)

Sister: “Is he going to wake up mum just to show her that?”

(After about a minute he comes back out laughing and goes to the front door with the laptop.)

Me: “Wait… Is he going to go outside to show the neighbours now?”

(I’m in the bathroom, running a hot shower to create steam, hoping it will help with my baby’s congestion. My sister calls me and we talk for a bit.)

Me: “Hey, I gotta go. I need to beat the c**p out of my child.”

Sister: *laughs*

Me: “It’s a good thing no one else heard that, because they’d probably take that the wrong way.”

(My boyfriend and I are in bed fooling around.)

Me: “My butt itches.”

Boyfriend: “Ugh, that’s like a minus three on the boner scale.”

Me: “That actually exists?”

Boyfriend: “No. It doesn’t actually exist.”

Me: “Well, it should! It would greatly benefit womankind which we could then use to benefit mankind. I shall create one, for science!”

Boyfriend: “You do know something like that would take years of testing and research right?”

Me: “Yes, but that’s a long-term commitment I am more that willing to make.”

Boyfriend: “Did you… just propose?”

(Because of work and both of us having been sick, my fiancée and I haven’t had sex for six weeks, and I’ve just told her that. Note that I’m also obsessed with zombies, which annoys her.)

Fiancée: “Oh, my God. I didn’t realize it had been that long! I’m really, really, sorry!”

Me: *I stick my arms out stiffly and stagger* “Yep, we have a dead bedroom!”

Fiancée: “Do you want to make it undead, or not? Because your zombie impression is not at all sexy!”