(We are taking a history test. History is my favorite subject. I am flanked by two kids who not only crib answers off my paper, but lean way over without even attempting to conceal it to the rest of the class when the instructor’s back is turned. This is about the tenth time this has happened. After the instructor has started grading the papers, she stops partway through and calls me up to speak to me.)

History Teacher: “I’d really like to know the meaning of this. Question four was ‘who was our second president,’ and you answered ‘Abraham Lincoln.'”

Me: “Yep. I think that’s the answer I gave.”

History Teacher: “And for ‘what year was the Declaration of Independence signed,’ you wrote ‘1976.’”

Me: “I did.”

History Teacher: *sighs “I know you’re a good student, and you do well in this class. I know you know these are ridiculous answers. Are you acting up on purpose or something?”

Me: “Nah. But I suggest you look to see who else’s papers have those same stupid answers.”

History Teacher: *breaks out laughing* “Oh! I get it. Very clever!”

(The next day, both Misters ‘Abraham-Lincoln-signed-the-Declaration-of-Independence-in-1976’ were roundly mocked by her in front of the class, and made to take tests in opposite corners of the room for the rest of the semester. They did end up doing better in the class after they had to actually study!)

This story is part of our Presidents Day 2024 roundup!

Read the next Presidents Day 2024 roundup story!

Read the Presidents Day 2024 roundup!

(I’m in my ninth grade Honors English class, and my teacher is explaining why she hates when students get 89% for their grade.)

Teacher: “When you have an 89, you’ve tried really hard and you’re obviously really good, so I feel bad about not giving you the A. Now, if you got a 79, I have less sympathy because you’ve clearly been sucking on some of the work. And if you have 69, you’ve obviously been doing a lot of sucking—”

(She breaks off and the whole class is in tears with laughter.)

Teacher: “ONE OF YOU COULD HAVE STOPPED ME BEFORE I SAID THAT!”

(We have a biology teacher who feels the need to inform the class that ‘a flower does not wilt because it is sad.’ It is just before the exams, as we’re going through a multiple choice practice paper.)

Teacher: “I am very disappointed over this next question because you all got it wrong! The answer was ‘B.'”

Student #1: *looking in text book* “But miss, it says here that ‘D’ is correct.”

Teacher: “That is right, ‘D’ is the right answer.”

Me: “So why have you marked us wrong if we answered ‘D?'”

Teacher: “Because you picked the wrong answer.”

Student #2: “But we didn’t! You just admitted the answer was ‘D,’ we picked ‘D’ and you marked it wrong.”

Teacher: “Well, when I taught you this subject—”

Student #3: “You didn’t teach us this subject. We never covered this subject in class. In fact, we went and asked [other bio teacher], and he gave us a tutorial in it over a lunchtime. And you’ve marked us all wrong when we weren’t.”

Teacher: “If you don’t like the way I teach, and if you’re not going to listen to me, then leave this f****** class now, and don’t come back.”

(Over half the class leaves; the rest are too scared. The teacher leaves the classroom and starts screaming at the students outside, not knowing that one has gone to fetch the headmaster, who happens to have been a science teacher. He arrives and hears her swearing at the students. We finish off the last two weeks with him as a teacher, and go into the exams feeling much more confident. I never saw that teacher again.)

(I am studying for my social studies class, so I am reading my notes out loud and trying to memorize them. My sister is in the room with me.)

Me: “In 1492, Christopher Columbus circumcised the world!”

Sister: “What? Why would he do that?!”

Me: “…huh?”

Sister: “He circumcised the world?!”

Me: “Oh no! Circumnavigated!”

(Our religious studies teacher had a broken rib at the start of the year, but wouldn’t tell us how she did it. She made a promise with me and a few friends that she would tell us during our last lesson of the year, thinking we would forget about it. We didn’t.)

Me: “Miss, do you remember a certain promise you made us earlier this year?”

Teacher: “…I do.”

Friend #1: “Well this is our last lesson!”

Me: “Please can you tell us what happened?”

Teacher: *sighs* “Alright, fine. But only at the end of class!”

(True to her word, by the end of class she waits with me and my friends until everyone else leaves.)

Teacher: “Okay, I’ll tell you. I—”

(She stops, and looks at the one male friend waiting with us.)

Teacher: “No! No! You can’t hear this! Please wait outside!”

(Reluctantly, he leaves.)

Teacher: “Okay. So… um… well… this is really quite embarrassing.”

Friend #2: “Did you have a fall, miss?”

Teacher: “Not quite… I was… um… I was being intimate with my husband, and I… um… I fell off; if you know what I mean…”