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Appropriate Applications Of Apathy

, | Learning | April 23, 2013

Teacher: “[Student], what does ‘me da igua’ mean?”

Student: “I don’t care.”

Teacher: “Good job!”

Student: “That was actually correct? Because I really don’t care.”

Best Excuse, Period

| Learning | April 23, 2013

(I have to change my schedule at the beginning of the school year. The class I end up with is PE, so I get into our PE uniform only to find out they are at the swimming pool.)

Male Teacher: “What do you think you’re doing? Get back into the locker room and change into your swim wear!”

Me: “Sorry. I just got transferred into this class. I wasn’t informed that you were in the middle of swim. My last teacher was doing tennis.”

Male Teacher: “Fine, but bring your towel and swim wear tomorrow. You are swimming! Now walk around the pool the rest of class.”

(Unfortunately, the next morning I start my period and I am unable to use tampons at that time, so I once again come to class in my uniform.)

Male Teacher: “[My name], didn’t I tell you to bring your suit!?”

Me: *embarrassed* “I’m sorry, sir. I… um… I can’t swim today. Or for the next week.”

Male Teacher: “And why not?! Jesus, all you girls are the same. Always refusing to swim! You will be swimming today!”

Me: “Sir! I can’t swim! I can’t use… tampons. So unless you want to bio-hazard the pool, I suggest I walk the track for the week.”

(He turns bright red, apologizes about the whole ordeal, and explains he isn’t married and forgets that girls have a monthly cycle. For the rest of the semester, he never asked for an explanation when a female student said they couldn’t swim.)

El Burro Sabe Mas Que Tu

| Learning | April 23, 2013

(I’m taking a quiz and am seated next to a student who likes to bully me. All period long, she calls me a nerd under her breath while simultaneously trying to cheat off of my paper.)

Bully: *reads off my paper* “Ugh! ‘Dinero?’ I thought the Spanish word for money was ‘moo-la.'”

Me: “No, no. ‘Moo-la’ is cow.”

Bully: *smacks herself in the forehead* “Duh. I knew that!”

Me: “And a bull is ‘moo-lo.’ ‘O’ makes it masculine.”

Bully: “Duh! Everyone knows that, dweeb!” *writes it down*

Fallopian Noobs

| Learning | April 22, 2013

(I’m a sophomore in high school and a boy starts coughing and gagging on some crackers in class.)

Student: “Oh my God, Mrs [teacher], help! [Boy] has something stuck in his fallopian tubes!”

Teacher: “He can cough so he’s fine — wait, what did you just say?”

Student: “[Boy] has something stuck in his fallopian tubes!”

(Everyone in the room stares at the student and then laughs.)

Student: “What’s so funny?! He’s choking!”

Teacher: “[Student], he’s fine and he can’t have anything in his fallopian tubes.”

Student: “What do you mean? Aren’t your fallopian tubes up here?” *motions at her throat*

You And I Can Write A BFF Romance

| Romantic | April 22, 2013

(My best friend and I are both straight females. We often joke about being in a relationship. We have always gone to school dances together, but as it’s our junior prom, I wanted to be silly and cheesy.)

Best Friend: “Why do you look so weird?”

(I drop to one knee in front of her.)

Me: “You’re my best friend, my hetero soul mate, my emotional boyfriend. You’ve always been there for me, since the day we met six years ago. From bullies to heart breaks, you’ve always known how to make it better. You’re the one that I run to when I’m crying, and you hold me close and fix it all with fried oreos. You know me better than anyone else. I know I can always depend on you when I fall. You’re the craziest, smartest, nicest, and most beautiful girl I know. You’re the first person I tell my secrets to, and the last one I ever want to lose.”

(I pull out a small bouquet of flowers.)

Me: “Will you go to prom with me?”

Best Friend: “YES! You’re such a little dork though.”

(Hopefully our prom will be just as silly and loving as my speech!)


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