(I’m working when a man comes up to me and orders some food. He is very clearly a burn victim — he is missing all of his fingers, and his face is very severely scarred. I strike up a bit of a conversation, since it’s a slow day and he’s the only one in line. He is absolutely lovely, and quite personable. As I finish up, another customer shows up behind him and stares at him as he leaves. The customer finally approaches me.)

Customer: “Did you see that guy? It’s disgusting. I hope he doesn’t stick around. I don’t wanna have to look at that.”

Me: “That was the nicest, friendliest customer I’ve had all week. He’s far from ‘disgusting.'”

Customer: “Still, I shouldn’t have to see that if I don’t want to.”

Me: “Is there anything I can help you with? Because I’m not comfortable bad-mouthing a decent guy.”

Customer: “Well, you don’t have to be so rude!”

Me: “I’m not the one being rude here.”

(That finally shut the customer up, who sheepishly placed his order and left quickly.)

(I am working in a chicken shop. It has ‘chicken’ in the name, chickens all over the decor, and chickens on display.)

Customer: “Do you sell burgers?”

Me: “We sell chicken burgers; would you like one?”

Customer: “No, I want a beef burger.”

Me: “Sorry, we only sell chicken here.”

Customer: “Can you make me a jam sandwich?”

Me: “No, I’m sorry, we only sell chicken here. I can make you a chicken sandwich.”

Customer: “No, I want a jam sandwich. Can’t you just make me one? I’ll pay for it.”

Me: “I would happily make you a jam sandwich, but we don’t have any jam here; just chicken.”

Customer: “You don’t have any jam?”

Me: “Sorry, just chicken.”

Customer: “Okay.”

(He walked out and headed toward the fish and chip shop. I wondered if he was going to ask them for a jam sandwich.)

Brother: “Can I get a milkshake with extra cheese?”

Cashier: “With… cheese?”

Brother: “Yes, please.”

(She gives me a funny look and I return one back. She shrugs and makes his drink as asked for and moves onto me. We are about five minutes away when he finally takes a drink.)

Brother: “Urgh! This is disgusting.” *lifts lid* “What the f*** is this?”

Me: “Probably the cheese.”

Brother: “Cheese?!”

Me: “That is what you ordered.”

Brother: *taking out receipt* “I-I guess I did…”

(He actually finished it, looking thoroughly unhappy throughout. Hilarious!)

(A young man comes in looking to apply for a job. He asks for an application, which is given to him.)

Man: “Can I get a pen, too?”

(My manager does not like to accept applications from people who can’t be bothered to be prepared for a simple application. We are also located next to a dollar store that sells pens for under a dollar.)

Manager: “Yes. Just wait one moment. We are extremely busy right now.”

(We carry out business and have very little intention to get the man a pen from the back.)

Man: *after standing next to the register for another 15 minutes* “Oh, my god!”

(He went over to the condiment section, squeezed a massive amount of ketchup into the spill tray, grabbed a fork, and then proceeded to fill in the application with ketchup. Needless to say, we did not hire him.)

(I am at a well-known taco place. A customer orders two tacos and a supreme fry, on which they can save some money by adding a drink. Cue window conversation.)

Me: “To give you the option, if you just wanted to add a drink, that’d be only [cheaper price] instead of [price].”

Customer: *thinking* “Can I get anything else instead of the drink?”

Me: “No, I’m afraid we can’t make substitutions for that.”

Customer: *thinking some more* “Nah, I’ll just stick with what I have.”

Me: “All right, that’s [price].”

(I cash the order out, give the customer their change, and, shortly, bring their food down and hand it to them.)

Customer: “So I’d save a dollar if I got a drink with that?”

Me: “Yes, that’s correct.”

Customer: “I’ll take a [Drink], then!”

(After a few moments of trying to decide what to do, I give him the same drink that was already poured for the next customer in line.)

Me: “I’ll just give it to you this time, because your order is already cashed out, but keep in mind for the next time you’re through that if you want the cheaper price, you’ll have to order a drink with the rest of your food.”

Customer: *pause* “Don’t I get a dollar back?”

Me: “The drink is normally [price], but I’m giving it to you for free.”

Customer: *gives me a confused, annoyed look, and drives off!*