(It is when wireless connectivity is not common. The class is Advanced Electronics, and students are showcasing projects they’ve built.)

Professor: “Okay, [Student #1] and [Student #2], you seem to have some sort of device attached to a computer. Can you tell us what it does?”

Student #1: “It’s a long-range optical communications platform. See, you line these lasers up with a similar device on another computer. [Student #2], can you power yours on?”

Student #2: “See, now we can send messages back and forth, and even pictures, if we wait a bit. It uses three lasers, one for—”

Professor: “Sorry to interrupt, but you said ‘long range.’ You’re about ten feet apart; have you actually tested this at range?”

Student #2: “Oh, sure! We stuck one in a window in [building #1] and another in [building #2] and lined them up, and we could send text back and forth.”

Student #1: “To be honest, we didn’t get any pictures through, though.”

Professor: “Hmm… when did you test it?”

Student #1: “Just a few days ago. The weather was clear.”

Professor: “But what time?”

Student #2: “Late at night; it made it easier to see the beams.”

Professor: “I think I’ve found your problem. Power the device on, please?”

(The students power up their lasers. One begins to send the other a black-and-white picture of the university’s mascot. Meanwhile, the professor is putting on a lab coat.)

Professor: “Now, [Mascot] is happily flying across the void through flashes of light. But who likes flashes of light?”

(He runs across the room, jumping up and down and waving his lab coat between the two computers.)

Professor: “I’m a moth! I’m a dumb moth and I see light! It’s very bright! I love this light!”

(The professor sits down.)

Professor: “You get an A for design, and a C for forgetting about wildlife.”

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(Campus security has stopped a lost visitor, and is trying to work out where he wants to go. The visitor speaks very poor English, but the officer is trying his best.)

Visitor: “I want go, skink labatree.”

Security: “You wanna go where?”

Visitor: “A skink labatree.”

Security: “Oh, that’s, like, a little lizard. Reptile lab? Lizards? Snakes?”

Visitor: “No, no, a skink labatree. Kell skinky.”

Security: “Kill? Like, animal disposal?”

Visitor: “No, no! I want call my daughter, but…”

(The visitor holds up a cell phone.)

Visitor: “No battery!”

Security: “Ahh, okay. Wanna try mine?”

(Security offers the visitor his phone.)

Visitor: “No, no, I don’t know she kell. No battery my kell.”

Security: “Hold up a sec.”

(Security points to his cell phone.)

Visitor: “Kell phone, no battery!”

Security: “Kell laboratory?”

Visitor: “Kell labatree!”

Security: *scribbling on a piece of paper* “Skink?”

Visitor: *overjoyed* “Yes! Skink labatree!”

Security: “Okay, let’s go!”

(On the paper: “SCIENCE.” I later learned that the visitor had taught himself English almost entirely by reading, and assumed all ‘C’s were hard ‘K’s.)

(It is my first day at college. Everyone else is new, so we’re all in the same boat. My second lesson is Philosophy. We’ve been given a sheet of brainteaser questions as a starter.)

Teacher: “Okay, everyone stop writing. The first one was ‘How many four-foot-tall, 30kg children can you fit in an empty Mini Cooper’?”

Girl Next To Me: “As many as you want, depending on how thinly you slice them.”

(The professor is handing back graded papers. One student receives her paper, and notices a large red stain on it.)

Student: “Is… is that blood?”

Professor: “Oh, no, it’s wine. Sorry about that.”

Student: “You drink while grading our papers?!”

Professor: “My dear, you wouldn’t want me to grade them while I was sober.”

(I’m attending a mandatory university orientation session. The person who leads the orientation has just asked everyone to get to know the people at their tables, then introduce someone else to the whole group. I explain to my table I’m trained and certified as a ghostwriter, and that I help people write their manuscripts, but take no credit on anything. They are really interested, and decide to introduce me.)

Student #1: *pointing at me* “She’s a certified ghostwriter!”

Orientation Leader: “Oh! Well, uhm… that’s great, but due to confidentiality…”

(The leader moves on to other people, and I appreciate she understands my job completely. Meanwhile, I see a small group of about six orientation helpers whispering to each other and looking at me. I already know this could go one of two ways when they make their way over.)

Orientation Helper: “So, uhm… you’re a ghostwriter?”

Me: “Yeah, I—”

Orientation Helper: “Do you sense anything in the room now?”

Me: “No. Too many people. Besides, I write books.”

Orientation Helper: *crestfallen* “Oh…” *sudden dawning realization* “Oh! Ghost-WRITER!”