Support Your Local Coworker By Shutting The H*** Up

The health crisis is just kicking off in the UK, and it is clear to most people that the country is going to go into lockdown soon. The government has not yet announced any support. We are still working in the office, ordering equipment, and ensuring that everything is ready for a transition to 100% remote working. I am aware that many people, especially those working in service industries, are scared about their jobs and livelihoods. 

Realising an urgent need, I run quickly to the local express version of a major supermarket, where I also pick up some lunch as it is that time of day. On my way back to the office, I am waylaid at the door by a male colleague who is known for being quite sanctimonious. I’m going to call him David, as I think the story works better with a name. I am cis-female.

David: “Hey, [My Name]. Is that a [Supermarket] bag? Did you buy lunch there? You know [Small, Local, Family-Owned Sandwich Shop] would have been a better choice.”

Me: “Yes, I love them, but today, I needed to get some other things and didn’t have time to go to two different shops.”

David: *Blocking my way* “It’s really not right that you gave your money to a major retailer; they will survive this. [Small Shop] really could do with the support. Once all the offices in this area close for remote working, they might lose all their business. We should be supporting them now.”

Me: “I totally agree and will go there tomorrow, as I did yesterday, but today, I needed a few different things, so I had to use [Supermarket]. Could I get by? I need to go to the—”

David: *Still blocking me* “I really don’t think there’s anything you need right now that [Small Shop] couldn’t sell you. They have a refrigerator with milk and other products and a small amount of tinned and fresh goods. You might pay a bit more, but it’s worth it.”

Me: “Yes, well, as I said, I needed to go to [Supermarket]. Nice talking to you, but I need to go to the—”

David: “Even if you were stocking up for general household goods, I’m sure you could make all sorts of meals with the things that [Small Shop] sells. You just need to be creative and not always rely on the big supermarkets and their convenient options.”

Me: “I cook from scratch every night, and I know how good [Small Shop] is. Really, I need to get past you now.”

By this point, we are drawing a crowd of other coworkers.

David: “I’m so disappointed in you, [My Name]. I just don’t understand why you had to use [Supermarket]. What they could possibly sell that can’t be found in [Small Shop] and so urgent that you needed it right n—”

Me: “TAMPONS, DAVID! [Small Shop] doesn’t sell tampons. And yes, it is urgent, and I really need to get past you and go to the bathroom now.”

I left him looking like he was either going to laugh, cry, or vomit. I had other coworkers coming up to me all day to say it was the laugh they needed in these fearful times.

To this day, “Tampons, David” is used in my workplace as a shorthand code to shut up a know-it-all.