Patron: “Could I get some napkins?”
Me: “Excuse me?”
Patron: *sighs* “Napkins! Where are your napkins?”
Me: “I’m sorry, but we don’t have any napkins”.
Patron: “What?! Why not?”
Me: “Because we’re a library…”
(Our library does not sell food or have any reason to offer napkins.)
(A customer is renting a new movie. As we were always taught at this now defunct rental chain, everything the customer rents has to be read back to them at the end of the transaction.)
Me: “Thank you for coming, I ‘Heart’ Huckabees is due on [date].”
Customer: “It’s I LOVE Huckabees.”
Me: “Nope. It’s pronounced I ‘Heart’ Huckabees.”
Customer: “Do you understand grammar?”
Me: “It’s not a matter of grammar. It’s called a ‘logogram.’ When a symbol represents a word, or is meant as a replacement for the word its sign represents. The movie is I ‘Heart’ Huckabees because it includes a logogram – otherwise it would just say ‘love.'”
Customer: *storms out*
(It’s about 6:45 on a slow-ish night working in fast food. We’re selling a popular promotional burger which includes blue cheese. Suddenly, I see a red faced customer storming towards the door, obviously furious. As store policy, I find the nearest supervisor to deal with an obviously irate customer. I hide in the mug room to watch.)
Supervisor: “Hi. Welcome to…”
Customer: “ARE YOU TRYING TO KILL ME?”
Supervisor: “No ma’am. What seems to be—”
Customer: *pulls half eaten blue cheese burger out of bag* “HOW DARE YOU FEED YOUR CUSTOMERS THIS! THIS BLUE CHEESE IS EXPIRED AND MOLDY!”
(At this point I can hear laughter from the kitchen, who can hear every word.)
Supervisor: “Ma’am, this is a blue cheese burger. Perhaps you were given it by mist—”
Customer: “I KNOW WHAT A D*** BLUE CHEESE BURGER IS!”
Supervisor: “Then you understand that it is an aged cheese, where this ‘mold’ is normal. I will happily return your money to you if you wish, however.”
Customer: “HOW DARE YOU LIE TO ME! I’VE EATEN BLUE CHEESE ALL MY LIFE AND I HAVE NEVER ENCOUNTERED MOLD!”
(My supervisor, obviously getting annoyed, gives the customer her refund.)
Supervisor: “Here is your refund. However, if you can find me blue cheese in the local supermarket that doesn’t have or taste ‘moldy,’ I will gladly give you every cent I have in this cash register.”
(I see the customer’s eyes gleam right before she storms out. She never does come back. )
Supervisor: *to me* “Go write ‘customer found mold in their blue cheese’ in the complaint book.”
(I work at my mother’s laundry service. This is not a self service shop; we actually sort and place the clothes in the washer and drier machines. A regular customer comes into the shop.)
Customer: “You’ve lost one of my son’s t-shirts.”
Me: “That seems unlikely, but we’ll be sure to look around and see if we find it. If it somehow got mixed up with another customer’s clothes, I’m sure they’ll bring it back. What is the t-shirt like?”
(She proceeds to describe the shirt. Later I speak to my mother, who assures me that nothing was lost in that package, and further informs me that the shirt in question was really old and in extremely bad shape. Still, we look for it around the store and it is not there. The customer starts to come by the store twice a week for several weeks, and on each occasion she demands, each time more aggressively than the last, for the shirt to be returned or for us to refund her.)
Me: “We are completely certain that the shirt was not lost at our locale, and that even if we wanted to refund you, the shirt you are claiming really has no value to refund.”
Customer: “Fine! I vow never to come by your shop again!”
(Four months later, the phone rings:)
Me: “Laundry service.”
Customer: “Hi. I’m [Customer], and I wanted to let you know that we found the missing t-shirt in our summer home by the beach, so you guys can stop looking for it now.”
Me: “Well, thanks for the heads up.” *turning to the empty deposit behind* “Guys! You can stop looking now! She found the shirt!”
Me: “Thank you for calling [Company]. How may I help you?”
Customer: “Yes, I would like to order a replacement statement.”
Me: “Okay, sure thing. First to access your account, I’ll ask a couple of verification questions.”
Customer: “Okay!”
Me: “May I have your address please?”
Customer: “Address? What you mean like, where I live?”
Me: “Yes, sir?”
Customer: *gives address*
(After verifying my customer I then proceed to his request.)
Me: “Okay, sir. I have your statements ready to be sent. Would you like it sent to the address on file or an alternate?”
Customer: “I don’t live an alternative lifestyle. I just want my statements.”
