(I work on an online jewelry shop, taking calls for customers who are either confused with products or their prices, our delivery services, etc.)

Me: “[Jewelry Store], this is [My Name]. How may I assist you?”

Customer: “Hello! Do you sell deodorant?”

Me: *trying to hold in my laughter* “I’m sorry?”

Customer: “You know, deodorant. The stuff you put on your armpits?”

Me: “Ma’am, I know what deodorant is, but this is a jewelry store… We don’t sell deodorant or any sort of hygiene-like products; only jewelry. I’m sorry for your inconvenience.”

Customer: “But jewelry is a beauty product…”

Me: “Yes, ma’am, I understand that. I don’t know what you’re getting at, though.”

Customer: “And deodorant is a hygiene product, to help with your beauty.”

Me: *trying not to die laughing* “Ma’am, have you seen our website?”

Customer: “Yes. What do you mean?”

Me: *getting slightly more aggressive* “Did you see deodorant ANYWHERE on it?”

Customer: “No… I just thought you were out of stock.”

Me: “I’m sorry, ma’am. I am 100% sure you can find deodorant at your local convenience store or grocery store without waiting for shipping.”

Customer: “I’d like to speak to your manager!”

Me: “Well, I’m pretty sure if I put my manager on the phone, he’ll say the same thing.”

(I put my manager on the phone.)

Customer: “Hello? Is this the manager?”

Manager: “Yes? I heard you were having some trouble on our website.”

Customer: “Yes, the little lady you have working here isn’t letting me buy deodorant from your website.”

Manager: “Ma’am, this is a jewelry store. We don’t sell deodorant or any sort of hygiene-like products; only jewelry. But, I’m pretty sure you can buy some deodorant from a store near you with no delivery waiting or cost.”

(My mind is blown because that is almost exactly what I said to this lady. The call finishes and the customer returns to me.)

Customer: “Well, I still don’t believe you.”

(I work at a well-known company that sells cosmetics, skincare, fragrance, and hair products. This takes place at cash wrap. The client has a new canister of colored hairspray in hand, and had just dumped out a bag of trash — receipts, used tissues, used sponges, and a used hairspray canister — onto my counter.)

Client: “I’m exchanging this root concealer for that one there.”

Me: “Sure thing. Was there something wrong with the product?”

Client: “It was the wrong color! It’s black! I’ve spent forty thousand dollars on this same f****** color for years and I only found out today they have it in light brown! Why have you people never told me it comes in light brown?!”

Me: “Well, we do have testers so you can check the color… but I’m happy to exchange it for you. May I see the old canister?” *I test the nozzle* “Ma’am, this canister is empty…”

Client: “It was the wrong f****** color! I had to rub it into my head and mix it with foundation powder to get it to the right color!”

Me: “I’m sorry to hear that, but if it was the wrong color when you first got the product, you could have brought it back to us before using the entire canister. You’re asking me to give you a free can of root concealer so we can recycle your old can for you.”

Client: “But I’ve spent forty thousand dollars on this same f****** color!”

Me: “Ma’am, let me try this another way: would you ever go to a deli, pick up a pre-wrapped and clearly labelled turkey sandwich, eat the entire sandwich, then bring the empty wrapper to the guy at the counter and demand a new sandwich and a refund because you’d rather have chicken?”

Client: “Who would do that?! That’d be ridiculous!”

Me: “I’m sorry… but I can’t exchange your empty canister for a new one.”

Client: “But it was the wrong f****** color!”

(This went on for a good ten minutes. She left muttering “Forty thousand dollars!” with all of her trash still on my counter.)

(I work at a bookstore where we regularly receive phone calls at the information desk for books to be put on hold. We usually ask for the title and go locate whatever copies we have and then call the customer back. This teenage-sounding boy has asked for a book that’s on many high school reading lists and I have gone and gotten the hardback and paperback versions and am calling back to see which he would prefer:)

Me: “Hi, [Customer], this is [My Name] calling you back from [Store]. I was able to locate a hardback and paperback of Lord of the Flies and was wondering which you would like to be put on hold?”

Customer: “How much are they?”

Me: “The paperback is only 1.50 but the larger hardback, which would leave you more room to write in, if this is for a class, is 5.00.”

Customer: “And when you say paperback, what do you mean?”

Me: “Um… it has a paper cover rather than a hard one and is a smaller version of the book.”

Customer: “So, like, it doesn’t have an actual cover?”

Me: “No, it does. It just happens to be a paper cover rather than a hardback.”

Customer: “So, is it like plastic?”

(This goes on for quite a while, while I attempt to come up with different ways to describe a paperback, which is harder to do than you think. Finally he says—)

Customer: “Okay, just forget it. Thank you.”

Me: “Okay. Well, I mean, the paperback is only 1.50.”

Customer: “I’m just not getting what you’re trying to tell me.”

Me: “How about I just put them both on hold and you can come look yourself?”

Customer: “Great!” *hangs up*

(I wish I could have been there when he saw what we were debating over.)

(I work in the layaway department at a superstore. Late one evening, I’m cleaning the counter and a coworker from the electronics department shows up with three PS4s and tells me some customers are coming to put them in layaway. About twenty minutes after he leaves, three college guys walk up to the counter and tell me they’re putting the PS4s on layaway, but they have a question first.)

Guy #1: “I have a question about the layaway.”

Me: “Okay, what is it?”

Guy #1: “How much do we have to pay on these to take them home today?”

Me: “The full amount.”

Guy #2: “So, if we pay $30…”

Me: “…they stay here in the store until you pay the remaining balance. We keep them locked up, so I can assure you they’ll be safe.”

Guy #3: *to the two others* “Man, that girl in electronics said we could pay the $30 and take them home!”

Me: “I’m sorry, sir, but that isn’t how layaway works. You pay ten percent of the total cost and we store them for you. Once you pay them off, you can take them home.”

Guy #1: “So you don’t have like a payment plan or…?”

Me: “No. You can make payments as often as you like, but like I said, you can’t take them home until the full price has been paid.”

Guy #2: “Why not?”

Me: “Because that’s stealing.”

Guy #3: “So you’re saying we should get them at [Video Game Chain] for less?”

(At this point I’ve realized that there isn’t much going on in these guys’ heads, but I still attempt to explain that layaway allows you to spread out payments as opposed to paying a huge chunk of change all at once. Throughout my explanation they’ve been giving me blank stares.)

Guy #1: “All right, we’re just gonna go to [Video Game Chain].”

Me: “Okay, then. Have a good night.”

Guy #3: *as they’re leaving the layaway department* “I wonder how much [Video Game Chain] will charge us to take them home tonight…”

Me: *head-desk*

(A client left a message on the answering machine that her dog needed his ‘portabello.’ I call her back.)

Me: “Hi, this is [My Name] calling from [Vet]. We got your message about setting an appointment for [Dog].”

Client: “Yes, he needs his portabello for the kennel.”

Me: *trying so hard not to laugh* “Yes, he is due for his bordetella, as well as the rest of his vaccines. When were you looking to make the appointment?”

Client: “No, the kennel said he needed his portabello!”

Me: “The vaccine is actually called bordetella, ma’am. Portabello are a type of mushroom.”

Client: “Well, the kennel said portabello…” *grumbles*

(We set the appointment, and the minute we hung up, I nearly died laughing.)

Related:
There Is Mushroom For Improvement