Customer: “I got an angry call from someone saying I left a note with my number on their car after I hit it, but I didn’t do that.”

Me: “I’m sorry to hear that happened, but this wouldn’t be a technical problem with your service if someone left a note with your number somewhere.”

Customer: “But I didn’t do it.”

Me: “If we’re talking about a physical note that was left, this isn’t a matter of bad caller ID or anything like that. Someone either lied on a note they left or the caller misread the number.”

Customer: “But isn’t that weird?”

Me: “It is weird, but your phone is fine in this instance.”

(A well-known fast food chain has been doing free giveaways of their new steak wrap. Their stall has been set up in a busy city square, across the road from a major train station. My girlfriend and I are third and fourth in line for the wraps.)

Employee #1: “There’s your wrap. Have a nice day!”

Customer: “Thanks.” *starts eating his wrap* Oh, my God, this has meat in it! Ew!”

(The man turns back to face the employee.)

Customer: “I’m a vegetarian! I can’t eat meat! Why didn’t you warn me!”

Employee #1: “First of all, there are giant signs all over the square saying that we are giving away STEAK wraps. Secondly, you never said anything about being a vegetarian until after you had started eating that.”

Customer: “So? I want a new wrap. One with no meat in it!”

Employee #1: “Sir, we’re only giving away steak wraps here. If you want a vegetarian wrap, you’ll have to go to our restaurant up the street and buy one.”

Customer: “Oh, for f***’s sake!”

(He throws his wrap into the ground, making a rather large mess, then storms off towards the train station. My girlfriend and I start discussing what just happened, as another employee cleans up the remains of the wrap.)

Girlfriend: “Honestly. How the f*** do you see a sign saying ‘Free steak wraps’ and think ‘vegetarian.'”

Employee #2: *overhearing us* “If I knew the answer to that, I wouldn’t be working here.”

(Our company has a very similar name to another company and we get their customers call in all the time asking for products that my company does not sell below is what happened when someone calls.)

Me: “[Company]. This is [My Name].”

Caller: “Hi, I need to buy [Product we don’t sell but Other Company does].”

Me: “I’m sorry, sir, I’m afraid you’ve called the wrong company. You need [Other Company]; we don’t carry those products.”

Caller: “But my wife gave me this number.”

Me: “Well, then, your wife gave you the wrong number. You are going to have to find the number for [Other Company].”

(After that the caller hangs up and I go back to what I was doing. Not even ten minutes later my phone rings again with the same person calling.)

Me: “[Company]. This is [My Name].”

Caller: “Hi, I need to buy [Product we don’t sell but Other Company does].”

Me: “Sir, you called the wrong number again. I’ve told you that you need [Other Company]. We are a different company from them. We don’t sell the product you are looking for.”

Caller: “ARE YOU TELLING ME MY WIFE WAS WRONG? SHE’S ALWAYS RIGHT!”

Me: “Yes, I am telling you that your wife is wrong. Have a nice day and I hope you find the correct number for [Other Company].”

Caller: *screaming in the background*

Me: *hangs up*

(I work for a very well-known retailer delivering groceries to customers at home. Some customers don’t quite understand the process that follows to get their shopping to them and seem to think my van is bigger on the inside… This happened to me today.)

Me: “Good morning. It’s bad news today. I’m afraid five of the items you ordered were not available. You haven’t been charged for them.”

(One of the missing items is apples, which the customer appears to value above all else.)

Customer: “You’re telling me that you haven’t got any apples on that van to give me?”

Me: “Well, I don’t know it’s very odd that the store would have no apples at all, but I’m afraid I can only give you what I have.”

Customer: “No… I mean you must have some apples on the van, right?”

Me: “Uh, well it’s possible there are some in another order but I can’t just give you those. They belong to someone else.”

Customer: “Nope, that’s not how it works. It’s first come first served. That’s why I pick the early delivery slot.”

(I’m still not quite sure what the customer is getting at here and assume he thinks the early slot means his shopping was picked earlier.)

Me: “Ah, not always I’m afraid. The pick team picks the shopping somewhat randomly.”

Customer: “Look, you must be an idiot. You have apples on your van, right?”

Me: “Uh, perhaps, but they are—”

Customer: “SO GIVE THEM TO ME!”

Me: “I can’t; that would be theft. Those items are allocated to other customers.”

Customer: *getting quite angry now* “No, that’s not how it works. You come to my house, pick out my shopping, and give it to me. If it’s on the van, it’s mine! FIRST COME, FIRST SERVED!”

(I suddenly realise what he is getting at.)

Me: “I’m sorry, but you have been misinformed. We do not carry around all the items stocked by [Company] and pick them upon arrival at the customer house. Your shopping is picked on the morning of your delivery date in store at [Location]. I couldn’t carry around the whole range that [Company] stocks, since we have over 10,000 items. It would never fit on the van.”

(The customer seems to suddenly realise the logistical impossibility of this… goes very quiet, and his face turns bright red.)

Customer: “Well, I shall be complaining to customer service about this. It’s unacceptable.”

(He proceeds to rapidly take his shopping indoors, signs for his order, and slams the door in my face.)

Me: “Thank you. Have a nice day!

(A customer calls the store.)

Customer: “Hello. I’m looking for a book.”

Me: “Great! Could I ask what it is you’re looking for, please?”

(The woman gives an incredibly vague description of the book which can be summed up as “having a black cover at some point during its publication, and it may or may not be fiction.”)

Me: “If you could be a little more specific, miss, I may be able to help.”

Customer: “I can’t tell you the name of the book because then you’ll know why I want it, and you aren’t allowed to know.”

Me: *thinking this sounded quite odd* “I’m not in the slightest bit interested in why you want the book. I’m only interested in what it is called.”

Customer: “THEN YOU’LL KNOW!”

(This goes around in circles for a couple minutes, with the customer sounding more irate, and me losing my patience.)

Me: “Miss, I honestly cannot help you if you cannot provide more details on the book you’re enquiring about. Your description covers literally thousands of titles.”

Customer: “Thousands?!”

Me: “Yes. If you cannot offer anything else, then there is little point in continuing and I’ll will have to hang up.”

Customer: “It’s… it’s called…The Hobbit.”

(I already know we have it in stock, as I put it out on the shelves that morning. Before I can respond however:)

Customer: “You see?! Now you know! I’m going to have to look elsewhere now. THANKS FOR NOTHING!” *hangs up*

Me: *staring at the receiver* “What the f***?”