(I am about 4 years old. My dad’s birthday is coming up, so my mom has told me that she’s going to get my dad a camcorder. She only has about half of the money so she’s going to have to borrow the other half from dad. I can’t tell my dad about the camcorder, though, because it’s going to be a surprise.)

Mom: *to Dad* “Sweetie, can I borrow $100?”

Dad: *laughing* “That’s a chunk of change. What’re you doing? Buying a camcorder?”

Me: “Daddy! You spoiled the surprise!”

(I am married to a dairy farmer and, as a tomboy, have a long history with guns, knives, and other such implements. My older sister is the exact opposite of myself and literally is unable to even change a light bulb. We are opening Christmas presents at a distant country relative’s house and I have my good knife on me, an automatic double edged 5″ blade. I am using it to open tough plastic packaging.)

Sister: “Let me use your knife real quick.”

Me: *hesitating* “Are you sure? It’s really heavy, and both edges are sharp. I brought my whetstone with me and I was bored last night, so it’s… really sharp.”

Sister: “It’s fine. I know what I’m doing. Give! I’m older, so listen to me.”

Me: “Uh…okay. You’re sure? It’s really sharp. The blade is automatic and locks in place. The framing is metal. This isn’t a real forgiving blade here.”

Sister: “Give me the d*** knife.”

(I give it to her with the blade already extended, handle first.)

Me: “Make sure to cut away from your body and keep all your fingers away from the cutting angle.”

Sister: “I know what I’m doing!”

(Five seconds later, she cuts herself, and the knife plunges a good half inch into her hand. She screams, drops the knife, and blood actually spurts across the room. I calmly grab her hand, drag her to the kitchen, and run cold water over the wound while pulling up a local emergency center on my phone. Finding one, I wrap her hand and drive her there. She complains the entire time that my knife was too sharp, that I should’ve stopped her, that it was irresponsible of me, etc. The doctor asks her what happened. I find myself jumping in, exasperated.)

Me: “She decided to be a know-it-all dumba** and pretend she knew something about using a knife. So instead of listening to her tomboy, Smith and Wesson-toting, Winchester-loving, little sister, she thought she’d be a right cute city slicker and do everything the wrong way.”

Doctor: “Ah.” *looks at my sister* “We don’t look too kindly on stupidity in the country, missy. Listen to your sister next time.”

Sister: “But it was sharp!”

Doctor: “It’s a knife. It’s supposed to be.” *to me* “I know you’re carrying right now. Do me a favor and keep her away from it. She’ll blow her entire foot off next time.”

(Note: I’m calling about my mortgage to see if they can get me a better deal.)

Operator: “Okay, I’m just going to ask you a few questions and then we’ll see what we can do for you.”

Me: “Okay, that’s fine. Fire away.”

Operator: “How much do you owe on your mortgage?”

Me: “Roughly £97,000.”

Operator: “Okay, and who is your current mortgage provider?”

Me: “HSBC.”

Operator: “And how do you spell that?”

Me: “Um… H… S… B… C.”

(I have just had to take some last minute time off to care for my mother, who has just had some minor surgery. As it is last minute, I ask to have it taken out of paid holiday allowance.)

Manager: “I know you had to have some time off, and you asked to have this taken out of your holiday entitlement, but we have to say no.”

Me: “I understand; it’s fine. It was last minute, so can it just go down as unpaid leave? I really don’t want to have it go down as sickness.”

Manager: “Don’t worry. It wont go down as sickness, and you’re being paid for it.”

Me: “Okay, that’s gre—sorry, what?”

Manager: “You’re being paid for it; don’t worry about it. You’re a valued member of the department and the company. Also, if you need to take any other time off, just let us know. And if there is anything we can do to help you, just let us know.”

(I have never had a company look after their employees like this. Working for a small but growing company has its advantages. This just shows how GOOD some companies and managers can be!)

(It’s first thing in the morning and I’m trying to log onto to our company website to start work. I see that our internet connection is down.)

Me: “Is your internet working?”

Coworker: “Yes. It’s working fine.”

(I go into his office to see him playing desktop Solitaire.)

Me: “You can get on the internet?”

Coworker: “Yeah, it’s working fine.”

Me: “Not your computer, the internet. That’s just a game; you don’t need internet to play that.”

Coworker: *points at the computer tower* “You don’t know what you’re talking about. This whole thing is the internet, and it’s working.”

Me:“No, it’s not, that’s a computer. Try to check MSN or something.”

Coworker: “I don’t need to, because my internet…” *points to the tower again* “…is ON. It’s working FINE.”

(I reboot our router and fix the problem. Only now, I’m wondering how to fix my coworker…)