Going To The Can Requires You Can The Word Can

| Learning | May 21, 2013

(Our teacher is at least least 60 years old, and can be very old fashioned.)

Student: “Can I go to the bathroom?”

Teacher: “I don’t know. Most people can go, but some have constipation issues. You MAY go try.”

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Titanic Mutant NInja Turtle, Dead Ahead

| Learning | May 21, 2013

(My friend finishes watching Titanic in her History in Film class.)

Girl: “Oh, my goodness! That was so sad! I’m so glad it was just a movie!”

Friend: “Um. You know that actually happened, right?”

Girl: “What?! But… How could they do that?!”

Friend: “Do… What?”

Girl: “Just stay there filming while all those people died and not even try to help!”

Friend: “I don’t think you—”

Girl: “Wait, but Leonardo da Vinci died and he’s still alive!”

Friend: “… It’s DiCaprio. Leonardo DiCaprio.”

Girl: “Nooo, he’s the one who painted all those famous pictures!”

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You Need To 86 That Shirt

| Learning | May 21, 2013

(I’m studying to become an English teacher. I have to teach in high school for 60 hours. Most of the students are only four years younger than me, and almost all of them are female. Usually there is a teacher with us in a room, but she has two classes at the same time, so I am covering one and while she covers the other. Note: I’m a male.)

Me: “Any questions?”

Female Student: “Yes!”

Me: “Very well then; what is it?”

Female Student: “Do you, um… like sixty-nine?”

(I am so shocked by this question that I am speechless. The whole class begins laughing.)

Me: “Where did that come from?”

Female Student: “Well… you have the number on your t-shirt.”

(I look down and realize I’m wearing a t-shirt with big text that says “I <3 69" on it.)

Me: “Oh, that…” *blushes* “Um… yeah, it’s just a joke, you know.”

Female Student: “Too bad. I’ve got a free evening.”

(I continued the lesson and somehow came through with it. However, every time I had to teach this class, both the girl and the teacher had major problems with keeping straight faces.)

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Hysterical Correctness

| Learning | May 20, 2013

(My friend/project partner considers himself transgender, but he has not had surgery yet, so he is still technically female. He doesn’t care if you call him by male or female terms.)

Friend: “So I’ll handle [task 1], you can do [task 2] and we should be done in no time.”

Me: “Sounds awesome, dude!”

Classmate: “O-M-G! [My name]! You shouldn’t call [friend’s name] ‘dude’ when she’s a girl!”

Me: “What’s wrong with that?”

Classmate: “Well duh. She’s a girl. You can’t call her dude. That’s a male term.”

Me: “Wait. So you want me to call her a different word because she’s a girl?”

Classmate: “Yes! That’s what equality’s all about!”

Me: “And you want me to make this choice based on what gender I’m talking to.”

Classmate: “Yes! What’s so hard about that?”

Me: “[Classmate’s name], aren’t you a feminist?”

Classmate: “Yes! That’s why this makes me so angry!”

Me: “And… what exactly are you fighting for?”

Classmate: “SO PEOPLE DON’T MAKE CHOICES BASED ON SOMEONE’S GENDER! GOD! ARE YOU STUPID OR SOMETHING?”

(The entire class, including teacher, begins laughing hysterically.)

Friend: “Does she realize what she just said?”

Me: “I don’t know, dude. I seriously don’t know.”

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Revenge Is A Prize Best Served Sweet

| Learning | May 20, 2013

(I’m at a fundraising fair for my high school. There are several different games set up, including one that involves throwing a football through a tire that is suspended from a frame. The game is being run by a female student, who happens to be one of my friends, and a male student who is our junior varsity quarterback. Note: I am a very petite female freshman.)

Me: “Hey, [friend’s name], how many tickets to play? I’d love a candy bar.”

Friend: “It’s two tickets for two throws but for four we’ll swing the tire. You still only get two throws but we double the prize.”

Football Player: *snorts* “Why don’t you come back with your boyfriend and let him play for you, sweetie? I’d hate to just take your tickets like that.”

Me: *to friend* “Okay, I’ll give you four tickets then.”

(I hand my friend the tickets and she gives me the football.)

Football Player: *rolls his eyes* “Honey, you just wasted your tickets! Plenty of guys have tried and failed so you’re not gonna make it either!”

Me: “Just shut up and swing the tire.”

(He shrugs then swings the tire, muttering that I’m an idiot. I carefully watch the tire then throw the ball. It barely goes through. He scoffs and tosses me the ball.)

Football Player: “Lucky shot!”

Me: “No, I didn’t have my fingers lined up properly.”

Football Player: “Yeah, right.”

(He sets the tire in motion again. I make sure to line my fingers up properly this time then throw it. The ball goes through the tire dead center. The football player’s jaw drops and he stares at me. Then, his face goes red and he stomps off.)

Me: “What’s his damage?”

(My friend hands me my prizes, which include a candy bar.)

Friend: “He’s mad ’cause even he couldn’t make the shot.”

Me: “So you mean to tell me I have better throwing accuracy than the JV quarterback?”

Friend: “Yep!”

Me: “Ah, that just made this candy bar that much sweeter.”

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