For Love, But Mostly For Money

| Learning | June 18, 2013

(I am a substitute teacher. I see several students in multiple classes throughout the week. One girl I’ve had for the third time this week walks in and sees me.)

Student: “Wow! You’re here again! You must really like it here.”

Me: “Yup! I like coming to work here. And the paycheck’s not bad either.”

Student: “THEY PAY YOU!? I thought teachers taught for fun!”

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Assuming Is Never Amusing

| Learning | June 18, 2013

(I’m a sophomore in high school. I’m pansexual and gender-neutral, but biologically female, so I usually wear looser, more boyish clothes. My best friend is also a girl and straight, but has really short hair and a boyfriend who lives in another state, so no one believes her when she tells them that. She’s also very eccentric, painfully cheerful, and a theatre kid. One day, we’re walking to chemistry.)

Student: “Hey, are you guys, like, a couple?”

Me: *chuckling* “Nah, she’s straight.”

Student: “So you’re a lesbo?”

Me: “No, I like guys and girls. And anyone inbetween.”

Student: “But… you dress like a guy.”

Me: “My shirt is pink and I’m wearing a fluffy white jacket.”

Student: *turns to my friend* “And… and you have short hair!”

Friend: “So that makes me gay?”

Student: “Well… yeah!”

Friend: “I wear rainbow tutus to school and belt out show tunes in the hallway. Do you really think I’d be in the closet?”

Student: “Well, I mean—”

Friend: “How would you feel if people assumed you were a redneck because you live in Georgia?”

(Suddenly, the student’s eyes go wide and he looks absolutely horrified, apologizing profusely before rushing off.)

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A Specie-ous Argument

| Learning | June 18, 2013

(A parent of a girl in my class is observing when she suddenly speaks out.)

Teacher: “And that concludes our lesson on evolution for today. Please write down—”

Angry Parent: “[Teacher]! I heard you told my daughter that we’re homo sapiens!”

Teacher: “Yes, of course—”

Angry Parent: “I take offense to that!”

Teacher “Why?”

Angry Parent: “Most people in the world identify as hetero sapiens, thank you very much. We don’t like being lumped together with f***!”

Teacher: “[Parent’s name], it’s simply the scientific name for the human species.”

Angry Parent: “NO! Homo means f***! I can’t believe you’re teaching these students this s***!”

(The teacher is dumbfounded. Suddenly, the parent’s daughter walks in.)

Daughter: “Mrs. [teacher], Mr. [her teacher] wanted to ask—MOM?”

Angry Parent: “Hello dear, I’m just telling this teacher of yours how wrong she is. Not everyone in the world is a f**.”

Daughter “No mom, you’re wrong! It’s actually the name of our species. ‘Homo’ is just the name of the genus and it doesn’t mean that! Just go home, please!”

Angry Parent: *embarrassed* “Oh, well… I’m still right! We’ll talk when you get home. Love you, dear.”

(The angry parent runs out while giving our teacher the evil eye.)

Student #1: “Wow. Did that just happen?”

Student #2: “I thought that only happened on the internet. I saw a meme like this once.”

Daughter: “It was probably based off my mom. She’s done it before. Sorry for interrupting your class, Mrs. [teacher], she probably won’t do it again.”

Teacher: “It’s okay; class was almost over anyways. But for stopping her, you get extra credit. Thanks for that!”

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Talking About Tubes Tied Will Leave You Tongue-Tied

| Learning | June 17, 2013

(I’m a female camp counselor. It is my fifth and sixth grade camp’s pool time and I’m shooting hoops with some kids in the water when one a boy swims up and starts up a conversation.)

Boy: “Did you know that you could die of a hysterectomy?”

(I freeze with the basketball in my hands, wondering if he knew what he was talking about.)

Me: “Why? Were you thinking of getting one?”

Boy: “What? No!”

Me: “So…”

Boy: “You know, on second thought, that’s not a very good conversation starter.”

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He Beat Him To The Punch

| Learning | June 17, 2013

(I have been taking martial arts classes and have just tested for a green belt, which is an intermediate belt. During the test, I receive high praise from the instructor for the accuracy of one of my kicks. In school a week later, I’m waiting in the hall after lunch to get into my classroom. I’m also considered one of the “uncool” kids because I’m really hyper and nerdy.)

Me: “Hey [my name]!”

(I look down the hall at him, ready to be teased. He starts yelling a bunch of faux martial arts noises while running at me. I grit my teeth because I’ve been mocked for studying martial arts and have been fed up with being teased.)

Annoying Kid: “Hyaaaaaaaaaaa-woof!”

(He woofs because I kick him in the gut with a side-kick while he was preparing to run into me. He collapses to the ground, winded. A teacher across the hall opens up his door.)

Teacher: “What the h*** happened here?”

Annoying Kid: *points at me* “He… kicked… me…”

(I hang my head because I know I’ve just used martial arts to hurt somebody who wasn’t going to physically hurt me.)

Teacher: *to annoying kid* “Get up and get back to your class.”

Annoying Kid: “But—”

Teacher: “Now. Or I’ll send you to Mr. [principal’s name] office.”

(The annoying kid walks off.)

Teacher: *to me “And you, young man.”

Me: “Yes, sir?”

Teacher: “That was an impressive side-kick. Keep up the training.”

(The teacher walks back into his class.)

Teacher: *to his class* “And what have we learned from the gentlemen outside, class?”

Student: “Don’t p*** off a kung-fu guy?”

Teacher: “Don’t p*** off anyone, especially a guy that can kick your a**.”


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