Might I Suggest A (Stereo)Typewriter

| Learning | April 8, 2013

(I go to a tiny little private liberal arts school in the middle of nowhere. An older gentleman, clearly not a professor or a student, walks into the building looking confused.)

Me: “Sir, can I help you?”

Older Gentleman: “Yeah, I need an Asian kid.”

Me: *taken aback “What?”

Older Gentleman: “Yeah, I need an Asian kid. My computer’s messed up and I need one of them Asian kids to come fix it!”

Me: “Uh… you should probably talk to someone in the administration building. It’s right next door.”

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OH-nly If You Wis-H2 Deto-Na-te

| Learning | April 8, 2013

(We are locating elements on the periodic table in my chemistry class. Note that sodium in its pure elemental form is toxic and combusts in contact with water, and is not to be confused with sodium chloride, AKA common table salt.)

Classmate: “Sodium? Is that the sodium that’s on like, a nutrition label?”

Me: “Not quite.”

Classmate: “So like, can you eat it?”

Me: *smirking* “Yes. Once.”

(The teacher snorts when she overhears this.)

Classmate: “I don’t get it!”

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Signs You’re Failing At Life

| Learning | April 7, 2013

Student’s Wife: “Hello, my husband applied and he got his book to study, but it’s too long and too big. Can you give me the questions that will be on the test?”

Me: “Uhm, well at the end of the book and on our website, you can get examples of what kind of questions will be on the exam.”

Student’s Wife: “Yeah, it’s too complicated. Can’t you just give me the questions that you will ask him?”

Me: “No, that would defy the whole purpose of an exam if we gave you the questions before the actual exam.”

Student’s Wife: “So, what is he supposed to do?”

Me: “He has the book; he actually has to study it.”

Student’s Wife: “Well, that sucks!”

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Part Of The Duh-Com Era

| Learning | April 7, 2013

(I answer phones for an office in a university. We often get non-traditional students, meaning older or working students, and they can be hard to work with. This gentleman has been constantly cutting me off mid-sentence by trying to answer his own question, and then asking me to repeat myself because I ‘talk too fast for him.’ Finally, at the end of the call, he asks me how he can get a stipend all residents in the state of Colorado qualify for applied to his tuition.)

Me: “Okay to get the stipend you have to apply for COF. I apologize, but because the stipend is not [university] exclusive, I don’t know the exact webpage. You can Google it and apply online there.”

Student: “Okay it’s on [university]’s website.”

Me: “No, it’s not a [university] exclusive thing. It’s a separate website. You can Google ‘COF’ and find it. Thats ‘COF,’ C as in—”

Student: “Oh okay, so P – R – O – F.com?”

Me: “No sir, C as—”

Student: “Okay! P!”

Me: “No! Sir, C as in—”

Student: “Okay, P – R – O—”

Me: “NO! Sir, it’s C as in College, O as in Opportunity, and F as in Fund.”

Student: “Okay, so C – O – F.com?”

Me: “No, I apologize but as it is not a [university] website, I don’t know the exact link, but when you google it, it’s the first link.”

Student: “Okay then!” *hangs up*

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Tales From The Dormside

, | Learning | April 6, 2013

(I’m in my freshman year of college, sitting alone in my dorm room on a Tuesday night. I share the room with two other girls who are currently gone, but occasionally their friends stop by to pick something up. Suddenly, a girl I don’t recognize storms into the room followed by three people, one who I recognize as an RA for another floor.)

Girl: *sits in roommate A’s chair, stammers incoherently, and starts opening and closing drawers*

Three People: *stare at her for a good minute, don’t say a word to me or even look at me, leave the room, and shut the door*

(At this point, the girl takes her pants off, walks to the other side of the room, and starts rummaging through Roommate B’s drawers. Then, she plops down into Roommate B’s bed.)

Girl: *crazily* “I go to sleep now. Hehe!”

(I get up and go out into the hallway, and the three people who were just in my room are all standing outside my door.)

Me: “Uh, WHO is that!? Who are you guys!?”

One of the Three: “You don’t know? We thought she was your roommate. She just peed on your floor!”

Me: “Wait, what? She peed on the floor? Why didn’t you tell me? Why didn’t anyone say anything to me? Why did you leave me alone in the room with her?”

Three People: “Uh…”

(As it turns out, the girl was really drunk and on a ton of drugs. The three people turned out to be RA’s, and they had all seen her acting incoherently outside and decided to take her back to her room. Not knowing where she actually lived though, they followed her and she led them to my room.)

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