My Teacher’s A Wise Crack

| Learning | June 29, 2013

Teacher: *responding to random question* “It has pistachio in it, though.”

(Another student who has been kind of zoned out until now suddenly pays attention.)

Male Student: “What?! What did you say?!”

Teacher: “…Pistachio?”

Male Student: “…Isn’t that, like, oral sex?”

Teacher: “You’re thinking of fellatio. Two totally different tastes.”

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Age Before Baby

| Learning | June 29, 2013

(I work as an instructional aide with fourth and fifth graders. I have no problem telling the kids my age when they ask.)

Student #1: “Miss [name], are you really 23?”

Me: “Actually, I am.”

Student #1: “Wow, you’re young!”

Me: “You’re probably one of the first kids to ever say that to me.”

Student #2: “Yeah, you’re even younger than my dad!”

Me: “I sincerely hope I’m younger than your dad. You’re 11, right?”

(Student #2 realizes how old his dad would have been when he was born if he was younger than me.)

Student #2: “Ewww!”

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This Trick Is In A Class By Itself

| Learning | June 28, 2013

(It’s April Fools’ Day. My class decides to put a handwritten note saying “Do not enter! Water damage!” on the door before the teacher arrives.)

Teacher: “Water damage? What water damage?”

Student: “Didn’t anyone tell you about the leaking pipe in our classroom? Looks like we can’t have class today.”

Teacher: “Bummer! I guess we could all go to the cafeteria and have class there.”

(The whole class heads to the cafeteria and we can hardly hold back our laughter on the way there. We’re about to sit down when one of the lunch ladies speaks up.)

Lunch Lady: “Ma’am? What are you doing there?”

Teacher: “There’s a leaking pipe in the classroom, so I figured we could have class here.”

Lunch Lady: “Ma’am, what day is it today?”

Teacher: “April 1st. Why? Ohhh!”

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A Batched Job

| Learning | June 28, 2013

(The teacher hands out sheets about batch production she wrote up herself. She reads the paragraphs out loud.)

Student: “Hey! You misspelled the word ‘batch!'”

(All of the students begin laughing and shouting.)

Another Student: “Did you double check what you typed, Ms. [name]?”

Teacher: “Uh… what? Oh my God! I’m so sorry about that. This is really terrible. Really, I’m really sorry. You’ll have to forgive me. Write over it, please. I can’t believe I’ve done that. So sorry class.”

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(Throwing) A Curve Ball

| Learning | June 28, 2013

(This professor is really tough, but gives weekly quizzes that are on a curve so that at least one person in the class always gets a 100%.)

Student 1: *whispering to class* “Everybody just write your name, leave the rest blank and we’ll all get perfect scores.”

Class: “Agreed!”

(The professor comes in and sees us all sitting there not taking the quiz. He goes around and collects our papers.)

Professor: “Are you sure you all want to do this?”

Students: “…”

Professor: “You’re sure? Nobody here wants to change their mind?”

Student #2: “Yes, I want to actually take the quiz now.”

(Student #2 stands up to go get his paper back, completes his quiz and hands it to the professor. The professor grades it.)

Professor: “[Student #2], you got an 80%. When you make a decision, stick with it. Everybody else gets a 100%. However, this is the first and only time this will work.”

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