Get Passive Aggressive And Mom Will Get Active Aggressive

| Learning | June 23, 2013

(We rotate out of our normal teacher’s classes to go to a separate teacher for Reading Class. As we can’t write in our books, and it is called “Reading Class,” I never remember to bring my pencil, and consequently am called out by my teachers. After the third time I do this, my teachers call an emergency meeting with my mother.)

Primary Teacher: “So, as you know, [my name] has been having trouble remembering to bring his pencil to Reading Class.”

Mom: “You called me out of a client meeting for this?”

Reading Teacher: “It’s becoming a real problem. We think he’s doing it intentionally. It’s completely passive-aggressive. We think he should go into counseling for this behavior.”

Mom: “Wait. Why doesn’t someone just give him a f******* pencil?”

Reading Teacher: “That’s not the point. The point is your son is being extremely passive aggressive and needs therapy.”

(At this point, my mom bursts into tears.)

Primary Teacher: “Oh, don’t worry! He’s young, and with therapeutic intervention, he’ll be fine! And we’ll make sure he gets the help he needs while he’s in school.”

Reading Teacher: “And I know a really good counselor.”

Mom: “I’m not crying because my son ‘is passive aggressive and needs counseling,’ I’m crying because he has to spend ALL DAY SURROUNDED BY YOU F****** A*******.”

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She Just Got A Wake-Up Fall

| Learning | June 22, 2013

(My literature class is known for having a somewhat unorthodox teacher, in that every assignment is an essay and the class is taught in a discussion format rather than a lecture format. Today, someone brings in one of those home-ec baby dolls that you have to take care of for a grade and falls asleep with it on her desk.)

Teacher’s Assistant: *to me* “Hey, [my name], you dare me to go slap the doll?”

Me: “Why the h*** not? Maybe it will teach [classmate’s name] not to sleep during class.”

(Much to my surprise, he actually goes over and slaps the doll, sending it a good two or three feet from the desk.)

Classmate: “What the h***? Why did you do that? I’m getting graded for that!”

Teacher: “Maybe you will think about that next time you decide to sleep through class.”

Classmate: “I wasn’t sleeping! I obviously woke up when you dropped the baby.”

Teacher *deadpan* “Think about that for a moment… ‘I wasn’t asleep since I woke up…'”

Classmate: “What?”

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The Vice Principal’s A Bit Slow-Pokey

| Learning | June 22, 2013

(Our science teacher has left early, and our vice principal is in charge of our class. Our teacher has left a science video for us to watch. The vice principal is trying to figure out how to use the VCR.)

Student: “Make sure the TV is on channel three.”

Vice Principal: *irritated* “I KNOW what I’m doing! Here we go…”

(The TV is actually turned to PBS, so we can see the current show airing, not the educational video we’re supposed to be watching.)

Student: “But that’s—”

Vice Principal: “Be quiet! Just sit down and watch!”

(For the next 40 minutes, our sophomore science class obediently watches Gumby, while the vice principal just looks extremely puzzzled. Finally just before the bell rings…)

Vice Principal: “I’m… not sure that’s what your teacher wanted you to see.”

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How To Rattle A Snake

| Learning | June 21, 2013

(A kid in my class likes to mess with me. Most of the time, I ignore him. One day, enough is enough. He likes to call me “snake,” but it’s not my real name. It’s just what he likes to tease me with.)

Boy: “Hey. Pssst. Snake!”

(I ignore him, as I am currently working on a difficult assignment.)

Boy: “Snaaaaaaaaaaaaaake.”

(He shakes the back of my chair and I continue to ignore him.)

Boy: “Snakesnakesnakesnakesnake” *shakes chair more*

Me: “What do you want?”

Boy: “Snakesnakesnakesnakesnake—”

(I wordlessly reach back with my notebook, slap him in the face and carry on with my work as if nothing happened. The boy opens mouth in shock, stops hassling me. There was no more chair shaking after that!)

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A Horror Movie In The Making

, | Learning | June 21, 2013

(Goosebumps is a very popular series among my students, and I have only recently managed to purchase 14 copies for my library. At this moment in time, they are all checked out.)

Student: “Miss, do you have any Goosebumps?”

Me: “No, [student], I’m sorry.”

Student: *starts walking in circles* “I hate everyone who took out Goosebumps! I hate everyone who took out Goosebumps!” *shakes fist dramatically* “CURSE YOU!”

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