He Actually Found The Gay Police

This takes place in the late 1990s, while I am employed by a large county law enforcement agency as a deputy. I am working an off-duty assignment at the LGBT pride festival. I am gay, and out to my department, as are several dozen other officers and deputies from neighboring departments.

We are all in our respective uniforms, doing crowd and traffic control within and around the parade route and festival grounds. There are several right-wing organizations there both protesting and proselytizing. One of their members approaches me and speaks.

Protester: “This is really sort of sad, isn’t it?” 

Me: “What?” 

Protester: “That they are making you come out here and witness all this debauchery and perversion, and on the taxpayer’s dime, too!”

Me: “Um, actually, the organizers and sponsors of the parade are paying the respective cities and counties for the use of the officers. Furthermore, we’re all volunteers to this duty; nobody’s forced to be here. Do you have a point otherwise?” 

Protester: “But don’t you think it’s a little excessive for all these policemen to be here for this?! I mean, you guys are supposed to be on the side of good! Of law and order and right, not… this… homosexual fest thing.”

As he’s talking, my partner of seven years has come up behind him and is listening to his drivel. My partner then steps around the protester, wraps his arm around me, and kisses me on the cheek.

Protester: “Oh, my God! He could give you AIDS! You should arrest him! Right now!“

Me: “For what, exactly? You want me to arrest my boyfriend? Last I checked, it was perfectly legal to kiss your boyfriend.”

The protester is speechless; he is making noise but no words are coming out. Finally, he gets hold of his tongue.

Protester: “You are lying! Policemen are not allowed to be homosexuals! Lying when you’re a police officer is a felony! I’ll have your job!” 

Me: “No, you’re wrong. I’m not lying, I’m gay, and I’m allowed to be whatever I’d like to be. Secondly, it’s only a felony if the lie is told under oath, but since I’m not lying, it’s a moot point. Third, what is an offense is loitering without intent to patronize, which is what you’re doing.” 

Protester: “What? I’m not breaking any laws. I’m allowed to be here!” 

Me: “Great! Which bar are you patronizing?”

All of the bars in the area are gay and lesbian bars.

Protester: “Oh, I wouldn’t dare go in any of those places! They’re evil and disgusting.”

Me: “So… you’re not patronizing any of the bars?”

Protester: “Heavens, no.”

Me: “Okay, well, then, you need to leave or go into one of the bars. It’s against the law to be out here solely for the purpose of harassing law-abiding citizens. If you fail to leave, I’ll arrest you and charge you with trespassing, loitering, and failure to obey a peace officer, which is also a felony. The exit, dear sir, is that way.”

I point it out to him.

Me: “Oh, and do take your friends with you, as I’m going to be advising them of the same. You have a wonderful day.”

He left without further issue. My boyfriend and his friends waved and invited him not to come back next year.