(Friend #1 and I are at Friend #2]s house. She has a map of the US in her room, and we get on the subject of the different states.)

Me: “There are always a handful of states that I can just never remember. It’s like my brain just doesn’t consider them real states. Like Connecticut. For some reason, I always think Connecticut is a city.”

Friend #1: *in confusion* “Isn’t Connecticut in Vermont?”

Me: *slightly contemptuously* “Vermont isn’t a state, you idiot.”

Friend #2: *looking at the both of us in silent horror*

(Friend #2, ashamed by our ignorance, later posted this exchange on Facebook. Our English teacher actually commented, saying ‘please don’t share things like this with me.’ On the plus side, I now never forget Connecticut or Vermont when listing the States.)

(I work as a correctional officer. One day I am chatting with a friend through picture messages as I get ready for work.)

Friend: “You look frazzled.”

Me: “I’m getting ready for work.”

Friend: “Ah, putting on make-up for all the inmates.”

Me: *sends a picture of my obviously make-up free face* “Does it look like I’m wearing make up?”

Friend: “I’m sorry, I couldn’t see past all the sarcasm.”

(I recently entered a giveaway with my electricity company, with a guaranteed prize, and have been sent two sheets of stickers with the company’s mascot. I knock on my flatmate’s door.)

Me: “Hey, would you like some stickers?”

Flatmate: “No… I’m good thanks. Where did you get them from?”

(I explain.)

Me: “I was hoping they’d send me a toy but, nope, I got stickers.”

Flatmate: “That’s kinda weird.”

Me: “Fine. I’m going to make dinner and think about where to stick these.”

(I go to make dinner. My flatmate comes in and we end up chatting. Throughout the conversation, I continue to try to convince her that we should decorate the flat with the stickers but no dice. Then, as she’s leaving, she notices that I’ve put a sticker on the bin.)

Flatmate: “That’s so cute! Hey, where did you put the rest of them?”

Me: “Table. Food first and then I’m going to decorate. Not sure where I can stick them without peeling off paint or wood though.”

Flatmate: “Well, we could put some on the boiler.” *goes to the boiler and peels some off* “Ooh, and we could maybe put this one on the door.”

(Long story short, next time I looked around the flat, my flatmate had covered various surfaces in little mascot stickers. Where was this enthusiasm when I asked for it?)

(I recently got my first-ever smart phone. It has voice command that is activated by saying, “Okay, Google.” I am driving and need to call my dad but can’t look to dial.)

Me: “Okay, Google.”

Phone: *silent*

Me: “Okay, Google.”

Phone: *silent*

Me: *different voice* “Okay, Google.”

Phone: *silent*

Me: *third voice* “Okay, Google.”

Phone: *silent*

Me: *giving up and deciding to have fun* “GOOGLE! WHY AREN’T YOU LISTENING TO ME, B****?!”

Phone: *pops up voice command*

(A few of my friends and I are playing our first game of Dungeons & Dragons ever, guided by Friend #1 and her boyfriend, both experienced players. It is very late at night, and we have only just begun our first battle. I’ve fallen asleep, my head in my boyfriend’s lap, but they keep waking me up to roll whenever it’s my turn. Friend #1’s brother’s character is an Elf named Glenn Splendid, who looks like Legolas and is thoroughly ridiculous, and gets much flak from the rest of us.)

Friend #1’s Brother: “Okay, I shoot one of the kobolds with my bow and arrow!”

(He rolls a one, a critical miss. This means he doesn’t just fail his attack, he fails so badly, he actually hurts one of his own teammates.)

Dungeon Master: “You pull back your arrow, but just as you are about to let it fly, a groundhog leaps up out of its hole and onto your face, humping you furiously. You lose control of the shot, and hit [Friend #2] in the leg instead. It does [number of points] damage.”

(Cue general expressions of laughter at the [Brother]’s and [Friend #2]’s expense, and cries of woe from them. It’s now my turn and my boyfriend wakes me up, shoving the die in my hand.)

Boyfriend: “You have to pick a spell to cast.”

Me: *still mostly asleep* “I don’t know; pick one for me.”

Boyfriend: *looking over my character sheet* “Okay… I guess she uses this one? Now you have to roll, honey.”

Me: *without lifting my head from the table, rolls a natural 20, a critical hit* “Okay, I’m done, goodnight.”

Dungeon Master: “…and that takes out the kobold priest, and these three standing within range. She has defeated them all. In her first turn. While asleep. Well, too bad for you guys. It was a camp of entirely women and children. I hope you feel good about yourselves.”

(The game continued on in this vein, only getting odder and odder as we went. I continued to have to best rolls and most powerful attacks in the party, all while half conscious.)