(My friend and I are having a heated argument over an incident that happened earlier that day. NOTE: My dad is a mechanic.)

Me: “You can’t just cause a scene and then yell at me for embarrassing you!”

Friend: “I wasn’t causing a scene! You were the one yelling at me… Uh… I know this is a bad time to ask this, but does your dad do smog checks?”

Me: “Yeah… his phone is [Phone Number].”

Friend: “All right, thanks.” *going back to the argument* “OH, MY GOD, YOU ARE SO ANNOYING!”

(My boyfriend and I go on a road trip, accompanied by a friend whom he did not know before. She happens to be asleep while this conversation takes place.)

Boyfriend: “[Friend] only eats or sleeps.”

Me: “No, she doesn’t. Don’t talk about her like that.”

(Cue loud chewing noises from the backseat. My friend was quite confused why we would break out in laughter for the rest of the trip whenever she ate in the car – which was indeed frequently.)

(Due to her medical condition, my aunt can’t drive out of town. My uncle drives her up so my family can take care of her while he and my other aunt fly out to see their grandchildren. While she is here, I take my aunt out shopping and we buy a large bone for her Dalmatian and some treats for my cocker spaniel.)

Pastor: *driving by, rolls down his window* “Hey, could I have some spare change?”

Me: “Hey!” *waves*

Pastor: “What’s that big bone for? Not for [My Dog], is it?”

Aunt: “Heavens, no! [My Dog] can’t chew through it if her life depended on it! It’s for my dog.”

Pastor: “How big is it?”

Aunt: “She’s 77 pounds.”

Pastor: “…I’d go buy her another bone.”

(I commute on the trains everyday. I often notice a homeless man begging at one of the train stations. One very busy day I see a lady hand the homeless man a sandwich bought in the train station shop. He thanks her as she leaves, then opens the package to see what is in it and shouts:)

Homeless Man: “What?! No f***** butter?!”

(My friends and I are playing Apples to Apples. In the game, you have green cards that contain adjectives, and the players all have red cards containing nouns, and the players have to put out a red card that we feel fits said adjective the best, and the one who played the best one gets the green card. The current green card has the word, “Scary”, and one of my friends is going over the red cards that were laid down.)

Friend: “‘Ticks’?! How are ticks scary?”

Me: “Considering where I once found one, ticks are scary.”

Friend: “Where did you find it?”

(I just look at him.)

Friend: *realization sets in* “Oh… Oh, god!”

(Needless to say, I got the green card with no argument from anyone.)