A Ring-around Runaround

| Friendly | January 27, 2014

(I’m a female. My friend had just broken up with her boyfriend, since all he wanted was sex.)

Friend: “If you like something put a ring on it.” *looks at me* “Why the h*** haven’t you given me a ring yet?”

Me: *blinks and makes a ring out of paper towel and wraps it around her ring finger* “There, now you have one.”

Friend: *shows it off to the other people at the table*

(Two minutes later.)

Friend: *rips the ring off and throws it at me* “I’m tired of your crap! I’m breaking up with you!”

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Busted On The Bus

| Friendly | January 27, 2014

(I am on the bus. Three guys get on and, out of the corner of my eye, I see them look at me, exchange some whispers and approach me.)

Guy #1: “So… where are you headed?”

Me: “Just to the city for the day.”

Guy #2: “You should come hang out with us.”

Me: “No, thanks; I’m meeting up with a friend.”

Guy #1: “Well, ditch them and come hang out with us.”

Me: “No, thanks.”

Guy #3: “Come on.”

Me: “No, thanks.”

(After the third refusal, they take their seats, one behind me, one in front of me, one next to me, essentially cornering me. They continue to attempt to persuade me to hang out with them for another two stops and I’m beginning to get quite frightened as they’re all about a foot taller than me. Suddenly, a stranger approaches.)

Stranger: “Hey, um, excuse me. Can I sit next to my girlfriend please? There are plenty of free seats.”

Guy #3: “Girlfriend?”

Stranger: “Yeah; can you move?” *turns to me* “Hey, baby, how was work?”

Me: “Okay…”

(Guy #3, who is sitting next to me, vacates the seat after the stranger gives him a meaningful look. The stranger takes his spot, wraps his arm around me and passes me his phone in which he’s typed the message ‘My name’s [Name]; play along.’. We spend the rest of the trip exchanging details about our day and future plans we have with ‘friends’ until, near the city, the three guys get off.)

Stranger: “Oh, my god! I hope I wasn’t crossing a line or anything! I just got on the bus and you looked so scared!”

Me: “I WAS scared; thank you SO much!”

Stranger: “My pleasure; I thought those guys looked like creeps. We made a good couple! Do you have a boyfriend?”

Me: “Yeah.”

Stranger: “Same!”

(We definitely stayed great friends after that!)

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Her Dad Is TJ

| Friendly | January 26, 2014

(In rugby, ‘hooker’ is a front-row position, and is often given to one of the smaller members of the team, as it requires flexibility over strength. In my grade 11 year, our hooker is a grade 8 student with one of those K names that are so popular. There are three other girls on the team with a name similar enough to be confusing. Because of this, one of my classmates who is also on the team (and has a bit of a reputation for running her mouth and getting in fights) calls her ‘K-hooker’.)

Friend: *passing K in the hallway while with another grade 11 girl* “Hey, K-hooker.”

K-Hooker: “Hey.” *keeps walking*

Girl: *looks at friend, totally appalled* “Did you just call that little girl a hooker?”

Friend: “What?”

Girl: “I can’t believe you, [Friend]! How could you say something like that to her? She’s just a kid!”

Friend: “What? Wait, no! It’s a rugby position! She plays hook! That’s just her nickname. She knows what I meant by it.”

Girl: “Yeah, right. I can’t believe you. You’re such a b****, [Friend].”

Friend: “No! Well, yes, actually, but this time, no! Not in this!”

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The Wide Bride Divide

| Friendly | January 25, 2014

(A high school friend of mine has promised that two other friends and I that we would be her bridesmaids if she got married. A short time later she gets engaged. She chooses one of the three of us to be her maid of honor, but the other two of us are not chosen to be bridesmaids.)

Friend: “[Bride], I don’t want to be rude, but you had promised [Me] and I that we could be your bridesmaids. Did we do something wrong?”

Bride: “No. I just could only pick so many bridesmaids, and so I had to narrow down the list.”

Friend: “I understand. I’m just kind of wondering why you promised [Me] and I we could be in your wedding party and then didn’t choose us.”

Bride: “I was afraid you’d embarrass me.”

Me: “What!? Us? Why?”

Bride: “You two are skinnier than I am. You’d make me look like a whale coming down the aisle, and it’s MY day! [Maid Of honor] is bigger than me, so she’s okay.”

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Some Friends Have The Patience Of A Saint

| Friendly | January 24, 2014

(Religion tends to be a common topic among my circle of friends. We are all standing around talking and the topic of saints comes up.)

Friend #1: “What’s a saint? Are they people who work for Satan or something?”

(We all just stop and stare at him.)

Friend #2: *sarcastic* “Yeah, because they always name hospitals and churches after people who work for Satan.”

Friend #1: “Oh…”

Me: “So, let me get this straight: you have no idea what a saint is… and you’re CATHOLIC?!”

Friend #1: “I’m not a very good Catholic.”

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