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When Sleep Takes A Critical Hit

| Friendly | June 17, 2015

(A few of my friends and I are playing our first game of Dungeons & Dragons ever, guided by Friend #1 and her boyfriend, both experienced players. It is very late at night, and we have only just begun our first battle. I’ve fallen asleep, my head in my boyfriend’s lap, but they keep waking me up to roll whenever it’s my turn. Friend #1’s brother’s character is an Elf named Glenn Splendid, who looks like Legolas and is thoroughly ridiculous, and gets much flak from the rest of us.)

Friend #1’s Brother: “Okay, I shoot one of the kobolds with my bow and arrow!”

(He rolls a one, a critical miss. This means he doesn’t just fail his attack, he fails so badly, he actually hurts one of his own teammates.)

Dungeon Master: “You pull back your arrow, but just as you are about to let it fly, a groundhog leaps up out of its hole and onto your face, humping you furiously. You lose control of the shot, and hit [Friend #2] in the leg instead. It does [number of points] damage.”

(Cue general expressions of laughter at the [Brother]’s and [Friend #2]’s expense, and cries of woe from them. It’s now my turn and my boyfriend wakes me up, shoving the die in my hand.)

Boyfriend: “You have to pick a spell to cast.”

Me: *still mostly asleep* “I don’t know; pick one for me.”

Boyfriend: *looking over my character sheet* “Okay… I guess she uses this one? Now you have to roll, honey.”

Me: *without lifting my head from the table, rolls a natural 20, a critical hit* “Okay, I’m done, goodnight.”

Dungeon Master: “…and that takes out the kobold priest, and these three standing within range. She has defeated them all. In her first turn. While asleep. Well, too bad for you guys. It was a camp of entirely women and children. I hope you feel good about yourselves.”

(The game continued on in this vein, only getting odder and odder as we went. I continued to have to best rolls and most powerful attacks in the party, all while half conscious.)

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