(I regularly attend a convention that’s notorious for having problems with its online registration every year. Its attendees are also notorious for complaining very vocally about said problems every year.)

Convention Website: “We’ve found some problems with the registration program, so registration will be delayed until next Tuesday. We thank you for your patience.”

Commenter: “[Company] has been doing this convention for ten years. You guys should know how to build a website and an online registration system by now!”

(Registration finally goes up, but two days later the company’s phone lines go down due to flooding in the area. They post another notice.)

Convention Website: “To anyone trying to call our offices, the floods have wiped out our phone lines. We’ll let you know when our phones are operating again. We apologize for the inconvenience.”

Commenter: “[Company] has been doing this for ten years! You guys should know how to control the weather by now!”

(I hope he was being sarcastic, but given that this is the Internet, you never know…)

(I’m visiting a friend to cheer her up after her recent medical diagnosis. She’s coping well with the situation.)

Friend: *shrugs*

Me: *I shrug* “That’s life?”

Friend: “That’s life. ”

Me: “The universe…”

Friend: *laughs* “And everything! ”

Me: “Ugh, why does there have to be everything?”

Friend: “Yeah, why?”

Me: “I mean, we could deal with life and the universe if it only had SOME things…”

Friend: “But why did it have to have EVERYTHING?”

Me: “This is why the dolphins left.”

Together: *starts singing* “So Long And Thanks For All The Fish”

(My boyfriend and I go back to his place one night, quite late and fairly drunk. We stay up talking for a bit and I don’t realize how loud we’re being, until there is a deep, huge voice from the next room:)

Voice: “GO TO SLEEP, FOR F*** SAKE!”

(The next day:)

Me: “I’m sorry we woke you up last night, [Boyfriend’s Roommate].”

Roommate: “Hmm? You didn’t wake me.”

Me: “Then who was yelling at us?”

Roommate: “Oh. That must have been [His Girlfriend].”

Me: “But… this was a bass voice. Like if Satan were pissed at you.”

Roommate: “[His Girlfriend] is… not good at being woken up unexpectedly.”

Me: “Oh. I suppose that makes sense. Wait… that didn’t wake YOU up?”

Roommate: “I sleep with earplugs in. Partly because of the aforementioned Satan voice.”

(My family and I are visiting a famous church in London and we’re passing the Tomb of the Unknown Soldier when my mom overhears this:)

Tourist: *in all seriousness* “So… who’s buried here?”

(I have to move out of my brother’s room back into the tiny guest room for the summer. I have been putting this off for quite a while. I am supposed to drive to meet a friend once I finish and he has been waiting for me to finish for about 3 days now. We are texting.)

Friend: “Are you moving the stuff? Your responses seem awfully quick.”

Me: “If your definition of moving is lying on the floor surrounded by boxes and clutter while pathetically whimpering, then yes, I am in fact moving.”