(My friend is known for his horrible driving, and our group of friends tend to pick on him about it constantly. Since my car is down, I ask him to take me to the local grocery store to do some shopping. He cuts off two cars and almost strikes a third in an attempt to get on the off ramp.)

Me: “That’s one.”

Friend: “What is?”

Me: “You almost had two accidents in less than a minute.”

Friend: “Whatever. I’m safer than that.”

(He stops at the 4-way stop light with intent to make a right, notices a large truck is coming, and decides to make a right anyway, cutting in front of the truck and causing the driver to hit the brakes so he won’t hit us.)

Me: “Two.”

Friend: “I had enough space!”

Me: “He hit his brakes. Be glad that he did or you’d have been hit.”

(Grumbling, he turns into the parking lot and cuts across the rows. I count 4 cars that have to swerve to miss him.)

Me: “I don’t know if I should count that as three or as four separate events, which would make it six.”

Friend: “I am not a bad driver! I wish you guys would stop telling me that I am! I have never had an accident before.”

(He turns down one of the rows and immediately slams into a car that’s backing out of a parking spot. It’s hard enough to break a reverse light and dent the car’s bumper.)

Friend: “…Oh, shut up!”

(A woman comes out of her car and waves at me as I head to my car. Note: I am Chinese.)

Woman: “Hey, miss. Miss!”

Me: “Yes, can I help you?”

Woman: “Shh, shh!”

Me: *confused* “Huh?”

Woman: “Do you speak Chinese?”

Me: “Partially…”

Woman: “That means “thank you” in Chinese! I speak fluent Chinese!”

Me: *confused as she clearly does not* “Okay… what did you need?”

Woman: “Can you give me 75 cents for the bus?”

Me: *confused as she just came out of a car* “No, sorry. I normally don’t carry cash with me.”

Woman: “That’s okay.” *spies my name tag* “Hey, is your name Ling Ling?”

Me: *confused as my name isn’t even close to that* “No, my name is—”

Woman: *interrupts* “Yeah, Ling Ling! That’s a Chinese name!” *walks away muttering to herself about Ling Ling being a Chinese name*

Me: *speechless*

(We are working on a PowerPoint about Scotland in our digital literacy class.)

Friend: *types out* “As they say in Scotland…” *turns to me* “What do they even speak in Scotland? Scottish?”

(One day later.)

Friend: “OH. Scottish is what you call the people.”

(One week later.)

Friend: “What do they speak in German? Germany?”

This story is part of our Scotland themed roundup!

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(I am with my dad on a trip to Las Vegas for the first time. We’re standing outside looking up at one of the hotels when a clearly drunk young man wanders over and, no joke, starts playing with my hair.)

Man: “Woah… girl, you hair is like wheat!”

(My dad and I are too deep in shock to really process this.)

Man: “It’s just like wheat… So soft and pretty! Like wheat!”

Me: “Uh… you said that…”

Man: “Your hair is like wheat! And—” *he sniffs my hair* “—aww… it doesn’t smell like wheat at all… It smells like strawberries…”

Me: “…Uh huh…” *pointed look at my dad snickering off to the side* “Uh… you can jump in anytime, Dad.”

Man: *finally releases my hair* “Good… good daughter… That’s a good daughter who listens to her daddy… Good daughter…”

(We watch as he wanders off muttering how I’m a good daughter. I glare at my dad.)

Me: “Thanks a heap for the help, Dad.”

Dad: “Well, there’s mean drunks, and there’s funny drunks. We just met one of the weird drunks. Hey, at least he liked your hair.”

(I am taking to a work colleague. I’m pregnant with my first child.)

Colleague: “So, when will you find out the gender?”

Me: “We’re not going to. We are going to be surprised.”

Colleague: “Why would you do that?”

Me: “Well, is what we always said we wanted to do. My best friend did the same with her kids and it was great.”

Colleague: “But how will you decorate or buy clothes?”

Me: “Everything will be gender neutral.”

Colleague: “But if it’s girl, you’ll have no dresses or headbands.”

Me: “We can always buy dresses after the baby is born.”

Colleague: *angry* “Well, I think you’re just being selfish!” *storms off*

Me: “It’s MY baby.”