Jew Wouldn’t Believe It

| Friendly | March 17, 2014

(I am Jewish, and always wear a Star of David necklace. I’ve been talking with a human-rights activist staging a protest for the past few minutes. She is much shorter than I am, and my star is at about eye level for her, and clearly visible.)

Me: “… I admire what you’ve been doing here, ma’am. Not many people would have the determination to organize the kind of protests you have done. Could you maybe explain this poster that you have right here? I don’t know what event it’s talking about.”

Activist: “Well, you see, it’s—” *trails off into unintelligible mumbling*

Me: “I’m sorry, I didn’t quite catch that, ma’am.”

Activist: “HITLER WAS GREAT! HE WAS DOING THE RIGHT THING! WE NEED HIM BACK! THE D*** JEWS ARE DESTROYING EVERYTHING! THEY ARE TRYING TO TAKE OVER! WHERE IS HITLER!? WE NEED HITLER BACK!”

(I back away slowly. My cousin, who is visiting from Israel, comes over.)

Cousin: “Are you all right? You look frightened.”

Activist: *from across the street* “HEIL HITLER!”

Cousin: “When we get home, I’m teaching you how to make [alcoholic beverage]. As soon as you’ve learned properly, I’ll show you how to throw a punch.”

(As we’re walking away, she adds under her breath.)

Cousin: “Why didn’t I listen when they told me Americans were crazy?”

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These Protestors Are Totally Off The Wall

| Friendly | March 17, 2014

(I’m at a famous entertainment convention. There is a religious group protesting it. I am dressed as Jon Snow, from ‘Game of Thrones.’)

Protester: *offers me a pamphlet* “Have you accepted Christ as your lord and savior?”

Me: “No, for I worship my father’s gods, the gods of the north who have no names.”

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The Friendship Of The Travelling Shirt

, | Friendly | March 16, 2014

(My parents get a shirt for one of my friends, since they know it is something he likes. I give it to another friend to pass along, and it keeps being moved around. Friend #3 doesn’t know about it.)

Friend #1: “Oh, that’s right. I have [Friend #2]’s shirt.”

Friend #3: “Why do you have [Friend #2]’s shirt?”

Friend #1: “[Friend #4] gave it to me.”

Friend #3: “Why did [Friend #4] have [Friend #2]’s shirt?”

Friend #4: “Because [My Name] gave it to me.”

Friend #3: “Why did [My Name] have [Friend #2]’s shirt?”

Me: “My mom gave it to me.”

Friend #3: “… This conversation is just going to keep going downhill, isn’t it?”

 

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Cold And Dry Humor

| Friendly | March 15, 2014

(I’m chatting late online with a friend and my girlfriend on Skype. My friend lives in the states while I and my girlfriend live in Canada. It is relatively late, and we end up looking at strange places around the globe. Due to my location, I also have a very strange place close to where I live.)

Me: “Hey, [Friend], I bet you didn’t know that I have a desert close to where I live?”

Friend: “Isn’t a tundra considered a type of desert?”

Me: “Well, yes, but I mean an actual desert, with sand.”

Friend: “What…”

(I proceed to find him a picture of the not too well known desert in question, as well as a sign detailing how such an amount of sand got so far up north. The picture consists of dunes of sand, some pine trees and smaller brush. Despite this, my friend has a brief pause before responding in a serious tone.)

Friend: “WHY IS THERE A DESERT IN CANADA?! WHO PUT THAT THERE?!”

(My girlfriend and I proceed to keel over laughing for 45 minutes while my friend can’t figure out what is so funny or why we’re laughing.)

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Putting A Name To The Face Of Offensiveness

| Friendly | March 14, 2014

(A friend is moving to the area. She has been out house hunting with my partner for the day. I am at home having a sewing bee with about ten local woman. They walk into the lounge room.)

Me: “Hi, [Friend]. Would you like me to introduce everyone?”

Friend: “Why? Will I need to know their names?”

Me: “… Not anymore.”

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