(It’s nearing the end of the semester, and Friend #1 has just realized he doesn’t have any more homework to do tonight.)

Friend #1: “I’m dead…”

Friend #2: “Time for a cremation!”

Friend #3: *excitedly* “Ooh! Can I dissect you?”

Me: “Can we turn you into candy?”

Friend #4: “I think maybe you shouldn’t die around these people.”

(I am visiting the zoo with my family when we decide to visit the Nocturnal House, a building that is kept fairly dark to encourage nocturnal animals to be active. Each exhibit has a picture of the animals in it along with a description of their native habitat. I’m looking at one such exhibit with fairly active animals when a woman and her daughter comes into the corridor where I’m standing. She turns to her daughter with a haughty tone of voice and describes the animals incorrectly. The daughter had noticed the descriptions and tries to correct her mom and is shot down. I don’t care if adults are ignorant but to be rude to her child and incorrect to boot…)

Me: “Excuse me, ma’am, but your child is correct. These are actually [Correct Animal].”

Mother: *snidely* “So who are you, a zoo expert?”

Me: “No, I can read.”

(I am about 17 and I am VERY innocent. I have only JUST started going online about a month or so ago. I am talking to one of my friends online who is in college and he makes some kind of joke. I am eating dinner at the time and choke on my food. This is the conversation that followed:)

Me: “You made me choke on my chicken!”

Friend: “You were choking the chicken?”

Me: “Huh?”

Friend: “You know… Spanking the monkey!”

Me: “What?”

Friend: “Tugging the elephant’s trunk!”

Me: “Why are you hurting all of these animals?!”

(I’m in voice class with about six other people talking about ‘Star Wars’ with the teacher. We’re about to start up class again when…)

Girl In Class: “Is that John Wilkes Booth guy dead? You know, the one who does the music for Star Wars…”

(We all burst out laughing with her confused. She finally figured it out, thanks to the teacher.)

(I am on a bus heading home from work. On the opposite seat from me is an attractive 20-something lady, who is talking on her phone. I am trying to read, and trying – and failing – not to eavesdrop.)

Lady: “So last weekend, I made myself some spaghetti bolognese for dinner. And then went to the pub. I must have had a lot to drink… Well, I don’t really remember coming home… Yeah, I woke up in bed… and I must have taken the leftover pasta with me… I had fallen asleep with it, and woke up naked, with pasta sauce all down my front!”

(At this point, although I tried to, I couldn’t completely stifle a laugh…)

Lady: “…and I think I just amused some guy on the bus!”