You Say Potato, I Say Steak

| Friendly | February 26, 2014

(It’s our lunch break, and we’re sitting in a classroom eating. My friend is a vegetarian.)

Girl: “Hey, [Friend], can you eat potatoes?”

Friend: *stares awkwardly at girl*

Me: “Uh, yeah. Potatoes are a vegetable.”

Girl: “They are?!”

Me: “Well, they’re certainly not meat!”

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Caught Red Handed And Blue Haired

| Friendly | February 26, 2014

(I kept my hair pretty short in college. Despite that, I seemed to go through my supply of shampoo and conditioner after two weeks.)

Me: “I don’t know how I’m using so much. I have really short hair, and it’s just vanishing. You’re not using any of it are you?”

Roommate: “Nuh-uh. I use that anti-frizz stuff that has to sit in my hair for five minutes before I rinse. Maybe the bottles are leaking.”

(I decide to dye my hair blue next time I go to the store, and dump an extra bottle of fast-acting dye into my shampoo to help keep the color from fading so fast. The next day my roommate is taking one of her famously long showers…)

Roommate: *blood-curdling shriek*

Me: “What’s wrong?! Are you okay?!”

Roommate: “My HAIR!”

(She storms out of our bathroom to reveal her waist length, platinum blonde hair dyed with varying shades of teal.)

Me: “Oh, my god. You’ve been using my shampoo!”

Roommate: “Why is there blue dye in your shampoo?!”

Me: “Serves you right for using my stuff without asking, AND lying to me about it. You brought this on yourself.”

Roommate: “My parents are going to kill me!”

(Her parents weren’t very amused when they saw her, but at least she never used my shampoo again!)

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Not A-Mew-sed

| Friendly | February 26, 2014

(My kitten was deathly ill in the emergency animal hospital for three days, but finally pulled through. It is expensive and tiring, but I am so happy to have him that I don’t care. When I arrive home with him, a friend of the family is in my kitchen.)

Friend: *points at cat carrier* “Oh, you’re home. What’ve you got?”

Me: “[Kitten]. The vet says he’s going to be all right.”

Friend: *sneers* “What, that stupid thing isn’t dead yet?”

(She is no longer a friend of the family.)

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Not The Brightest Star In The Sky

| Friendly | February 25, 2014

(My friend and I are about 14, and have just finished eighth grade.)

Me: “Wouldn’t it be awesome if we could run our homes off solar power? It could almost be free!”

Friend: “What’s solar power?”

Me: “Solar power is when you produce energy from the sun’s rays.”

Friend: “That’s not possible! The sun isn’t plugged in!”

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The Ball Has Been In Their Court For Five Years

| Friendly | February 25, 2014

(During middle school, during a game of ‘wall ball,’ I end up bouncing the ball off the wall, into my best friend’s face, and back to the wall multiple times. I was so stunned I didn’t say anything when he chased down another classmate. Five years later…)

Friend: “Hey, dude. Remember that game where I got hit in the face a lot?”

Me: “Yes, that was pretty bad luck.”

Friend: “Well, I was talking to [Classmate], and he says YOU are the one that threw the ball!”

Me: “… What?”

Friend: “Yeah. I thought it was him the entire time! Why didn’t you apologize?”

Me: “Dude, I’ve told you it was me five times now.”

Friend: “Really?”

Me: “Did you really forget again?”

Friend: “Shut up.”

Me: “How hard did I hit you with that ball?”

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