(I’m eating in a small deli. Behind me, a customer begins to choke. The other customers nearby, some of whom are closer to him than me, simply stop eating to stare. Annoyed that nobody is doing anything to help, I stand, turn, and begin to walk towards him. He notes my irritated expression as I bear down on him and coughs up the food on his own in panic.)

Man: “I’m fine, I’m fine, I’m fine!”

(I watch him silently for a moment longer to make sure. He slides down in his chair with a frightened expression. An employee notices the commotion and arrives.)

Employee: “Is everything all right, sir?”

Me: “I think so. Apparently nobody’s ever heard of the Heimlich.”

Employee: “The Heimlich…?”

(I shrug and sit back down as the confused employee tries to sort out why the man is staring at me like a deer in the headlights.)

(My friends and I are playing an online game, where I’m showing off my character’s ability to turn invisible.)

Me: “Yeah, I can’t sprint while like this. But I can pickpocket while ‘stealthed.'”

Friend: “Really?”

Me: “Yeah, watch, I’ll pickpocket this guy.”

Friend: “Okay!”

(She runs after the enemy I’m approaching, causing him to flee toward a building.)

Me: “I’m going to pickpocket that one.”

Friend: “Okay!”

(She continues to chase him inside as I slowly follow after.)

Me: “Wait, let me pickpocket—”

(I reach the door just in time to see her kill him and I stare at the body.)

Me: “I can’t pickpocket him when he’s dead.”

Friend: “Oh. I should’ve realized. It seems obvious now.”

Me: “Yeah…”

(The whole day my mom, my sister, my newborn baby brother, and I have been walking around trying to find garage sales around the neighborhood. I’m pretty tired at this point. I’m supposed to wear glasses since I’m blind in one eye. My mom and I are walking alongside the street when something catches my eye.)

Me: “Mom! Mom!” *hits her on the shoulder and points* “Look!”

Mom: “What?” *looks to where I’m excitedly looking at* “What am I supposed to be looking at?”

Me: “…”

Mom: *looks at me in pure confusion*

Me: “It’s official I’m going crazy.” *puts hand on face and sighs deeply*

Mom: “What? What happened?” *looks at the dog again*

(In complete and utter seriousness I look her dead in the eye and say without missing a beat:)

Me: “When I looked at the dog… I thought, I truly honestly thought, that that dog was a baby cow…”

(I live near Chicago and although we do see horses here and then, seeing a cow is near impossible.)

Mom: *looks at me in utter shame*

Me: “In my defense it was a pretty large black and white dog with just the right amount of spots, all right?”

(I am seeing the new Star Wars movie with a friend, a movie theater employee at the theater we are attending. Just before the movie starts, there is a small advertisement stating that the theater is hiring. The following takes place in the few seconds of dead silence after the advertisement.)

Friend: *just loud enough to be heard by everyone in the theater* “IT’S A TRAP!”

(A friend moved from California to Colorado a few years ago and to say the change in climes has been a shock to her would be an understatement. This conversation happens on a well-known social media site.)

Friend: “♪ ♫ ♪ ♫ It’s beginning to look a lot like Chrisstmaaaa ♪ ♫ ♪ ♫… Wait, isn’t tomorrow frickin’ MAY?!”

Friend’s Husband: “Three months of summer; nine months of winter.”

Friend: “Three months? Last year, summer was on a Wednesday.”