Forever Holding Their Peace

| USA | Friendly | February 18, 2014

(I’m not getting married, but my friend is known to have a crush on my boyfriend.)

Friend: “In 10 years I’m going to go to your wedding and sing ‘Speak Now.'”

Me: “Why? What wedding?”

Friend: “Yours. You know the song, right? You are not the kind of boy who should be marrying the wrong girl! Don’t say yes. Run away now. I’ll meet you when you’re out and they said speak now.

Me: “Yeah. Okay, then.”

Friend: “I’ll get a whole team of people.”

Me: “Well, maybe we won’t tell you the location.”

Friend: “We both know you’ll post it on Facebook and boast about it all over the place.”

Me: “You’ve got me there. I would boast the hay out of that.”

Friend: “You’re going to elope now. Aren’t you?”

Me: “Well, if you plan to bring a posse of wedding ruiners. It’s either that or we bring guns.”

Friend: “Too bad. I wanted to ruin a wedding.”

Me: “How about you just break into a church during one and randomly sing. Just to see how many grooms actually go to the back door with you to run away from their brides.”

Friend: “Good plan.”

Barbed Barbie Comments

| Sewing Meet|Fairbanks, AK, USA | Friendly | February 18, 2014

(I am about seven years old and not a very social child. I have passed all of my tasks except for a ‘sewing meet’ that all of the girls are required to attend. The project is Barbie clothes.)

Me: *picks up blue cloth to sew a skirt*

Girl: “Ew! Why would you pick such a boyish color? Your Barbie is going to look so ugly in that! Girls should wear pink or purple! Blue is for boys!”

Me: *looks at the pink mini-skirt the girl is sewing* “Better my Barbie looks like a boy than a slut like yours.”

(My mother couldn’t stop laughing. Needless to say that while I passed, I wasn’t invited back to the sewing meet.)

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Like Unfriends

| Friendly | February 17, 2014

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They Were Saved

| Sweden | Friendly | February 17, 2014

(My mom is a nurse. I’m out with her and my big brother to do some shopping. We become witnesses to a car accident. The car loses control and runs down a slope, ramming into a tree. Steam starts spewing from the engine from the impact. Of us three, I’m the physically strongest and my big brother is the only one with a cellphone on him. Mom instantly takes control.)

Me: “Oh, d***!”

Mom: “[My Name], you get that car door open, NOW! We have to get them out!”

Me: “No need to tell me twice!”

Mom: “[Brother], you call an ambulance, post-haste!”

Brother: “On it!”

(I dash to the car and notice three people inside: a man, a woman and a small child who looks like she’s about six or seven years old at most. None seem hurt, but the child is obviously scared. I proceed to quickly open the door to the driver’s seat.)

Me: “Get out! Now!”

Man: “M-My wife… and kid…”

Me: “Not now! Get out!”

(I remove his safety belt and get him out. Mom hurries up to him and leads him away as I enter the car and remove the safety belt from the woman and pull her out through the already open door.)

Woman: “Wait, our baby!”

(The girl’s door is locked, so I ended up smashing the window. Just as I do, fire starts spewing from the engine and I start to worry.)

Me: “Kid, listen here. I know you don’t know who I am. I know it’s scary. But please, just hold on tight. All right?”

(The girl sobs and nods carefully as I remove her seatbelt. I proceed to put my arms around her to help her out, as she’s obviously too scared to move. Just as I stand back up, the woman from earlier starts screaming.)

Woman: “You b******! Hands off my daughter!”

Me: “What? Woman, are you NUTS? I just saved your LIVES!”

Woman: “No, it’s your fault to begin with that we lost control! I know that Jesus Christ would have saved us faster than he did!”

(Multiple onlookers start yelling at the woman, calling her a poor parent.)

Onlooker: “Woman, I saw the entire thing! Your husband lost control of the car and you crashed into a tree! Those three did everything in their power – and then some – to save you all!”

(Another onlooker has been recording everything once confirmed no one was hurt, in case the police would need it.)

Woman: “He didn’t lose control of the car! I’m a mechanic! I just locked the steering wheel! He wouldn’t believe that our Lord would save us, so I had to prove it to him!”

(Mom, who has been helping the ambulance personnel remove the glass stuck in the man’s face, walks over to her upon hearing this.)

Mom: “So you’re saying you risked no less than THREE LIVES just to prove you’re a Godd*** moron!?”

Woman: “How dare you speak the Lord’s name! You filthy heathen! May he strike you down where you stand!”

(I’m roughly a foot taller than my mother and raise my hand straight into the air.)

Me: “If there’s a God, then let him smite me where I stand!”

(Nothing happens and the woman starts yelling profanity at us, telling us how we’re all going to burn in Hell, among other things. My mom sighs deeply as she continues and turns to the woman’s husband.)

Mom: “Are you going to be all right?”

Man: “Can you ask the police to dump her in a jail and throw away the key?”

Mom: Hah! I noticed an onlooker recording it all! So anything she might say, we’ll have proof if she said it or not!”

(Roughly a month later, the woman was sent to jail for endangering lives. As it turns out, she was by no means a mechanic – the car was faulty and they were going to a mechanic to get it fixed. Roughly two weeks after she got sent to jail, the man and his daughter sent a ‘thank you’ card to everyone involved. In mine, it said “I’m grateful that you saved the lives of me and my daughter. And no, I haven’t forgotten my ex-wife was involved there, but frankly, I wanted to divorce her anyway…”)

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Who Wears The Pants In This Relationship

| USA | Friendly | February 17, 2014

(I am at my boyfriend’s apartment. His roommate is female, but I’m not worried about anything happening at all because she’s involved with somebody, isn’t his type, and they’re old friends. I once asked them if they’d ever thought about seeing each other, and she said it would be like dating her brother. There’s a knock on the door, and since my boyfriend and I are in the middle of cooking dinner, he calls out to her:)

Boyfriend: “Hey, [Roommate]?”

Roommate: *yells back* “Yeah?”

Boyfriend: “Can you do me a favor?”

Roommate: “That depends. Does it involve pants?”

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