Keeping Everything Happy Hour

| CO, USA | Friendly | January 21, 2014

(We have several people over for a New Year’s Eve party and need to choose a movie. Since no one can decide, I pick ‘The Avengers.’ I know most people like it, and hope our one friend who hates sci-fi will just accept it as a superhero movie. Unfortunately, he doesn’t. After watching the movie…)

Friend #1: “Well, that’s two hours of my life I’ll never get back!”

Me: *starting to seethe*

Friend #2: “Yeah, but, if you think about it, every two hours is two hours you’ll never get back.”

Friend #1: *laughs* “That’s true!”

Your Friends Are Your Best Anti-Drug Campaign

| CA, USA | Friendly | January 20, 2014

(In college, I am roommates with several friends who decide one day to take a certain hallucinogenic substance. I and another friend of mine are the sober babysitters, although halfway through the night the other friend bails and leaves me the sole person to keep four people safe.)

Friend #1: “Holy crap! There are zombies outside!”

Me: “What? No… no there aren’t, honey. Those are just people. We live in a busy neighborhood.”

Friend #1: “Those. Are. Zombies. I need to go find something to use as a weapon, and then I’m going out there. I ain’t going down without a fight!”

Me: “Uh… no! No you can’t do that! They’re like… 28 Days Later zombies. They’re super-fast!” *seeing the look of panic on her face* “BUT! They’re crazy stupid. Sooo stupid. They don’t even know what a house is, so if we just keep the door shut and stay in the house, we’re totally good.”

Friend #1: “Oh… okay!” *smiles*

Friend #2: “I’ll be the Godzilla of Cheez-Its. You can be the Mothra of Cheez-its, and we’ll battle it out!”

Me: “Um… sure?”

Friend #3: “I get it now.”

Me: “Get what?”

Friend #3: “The bond between you and [Boyfriend]. It’s like me and these burgers… unshakable.”

Friend #4: *rips 4th of July wristband off and stomps on it* “It’s the man! He’s trying to keep me doooooown! You can’t win MAN!” *takes stomped wristband and throws it into a glass of water* “What’re you gonna do NOW?!”

Friend #1: “Zombies!”

Friend #2: “Cheez-it Godzilla!”

Friend #3: “Burgers!”

Friend #4: “The Man!”

To Catch A Mermaid Requires (Jail)Bait

| Winston-Salem, NC, USA | Friendly | January 20, 2014

(My friends and I are discussing the age of Disney Characters.)

Me: “Prince Eric is 16.”

Friend: “Prince Eric does not look like a 16 year old. If there were 16 year olds that looked like Prince Eric, I would be in jail.”

Sheer Lunar-cy

| NY, USA | Friendly | January 20, 2014

(I am half Swiss, and often go away to Switzerland over summer break. I am currently telling a group of friends about how sometimes in Switzerland we wake up and watch the moon shine over the lake from our hotel balcony.)

Me: “It’s really pretty how the moon just shines over the water with the mountains behind it.”

Friend: “Wait! Wait! There is a moon in Switzerland!?”

Went To The Wrong Joint, Part 2

CA, USA | Friendly | January 20, 2014

(Our clinic has an animal hotel which backs out onto the alley behind. The back entrance is for employees and for taking dogs out for walks, and so only has a small sign to indicate it is an animal clinic. It is otherwise an anonymous-looking building, in an alleyway that looks like several others behind our neighboring strip malls. One such alleyway contains a medical marijuana clinic. It is 8 am on a Sunday. A stranger in his early twenties approaches me as I am taking a dog out for his morning business. I am in my scrubs, and so on the street I am sometimes mistaken for a nurse.)

Stranger: “Hey, you work here?”

Me: “Yep, I’m new.”

Stranger: “Okay, cool. They let you bring your dog to work with you?”

Me: “No, this is one of our boarders. Can I help you with something?”

Stranger: “They shouldn’t let you keep dogs in there! What if they ate your stock?”

Me: “I assure you, the pharmacy is kept well away from them. Did you need something?”

Stranger: “Yeah, just a dime.”

Me: *blankly* “I don’t have my wallet with me, I’m sorry.”

Stranger: *also blankly* “No, I mean… could you let me into the building so I can get it?”

Me: *thinking he is joking, I laugh* “The clinic is technically closed, sorry. Besides, I don’t think I want you going through my stuff!”

Stranger: “I don’t get it! My friends said you guys are super helpful! I just want to buy a dime!”

(At this point, I finally putting the pieces together.)

Me: “Ah, actually… we aren’t that kind of clinic. That one is the next alley up, but I’m pretty sure they’re closed at this time of day. We’re an animal clinic.”

Stranger: “S***! Sorry to bother you!”

(The stranger starts to leave in the direction he came from, but then turns around and goes the way I pointed and laughs.)

Stranger: “Yeah… I might be a little high.”

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