(The whole day my mom, my sister, my newborn baby brother, and I have been walking around trying to find garage sales around the neighborhood. I’m pretty tired at this point. I’m supposed to wear glasses since I’m blind in one eye. My mom and I are walking alongside the street when something catches my eye.)

Me: “Mom! Mom!” *hits her on the shoulder and points* “Look!”

Mom: “What?” *looks to where I’m excitedly looking at* “What am I supposed to be looking at?”

Me: “…”

Mom: *looks at me in pure confusion*

Me: “It’s official I’m going crazy.” *puts hand on face and sighs deeply*

Mom: “What? What happened?” *looks at the dog again*

(In complete and utter seriousness I look her dead in the eye and say without missing a beat:)

Me: “When I looked at the dog… I thought, I truly honestly thought, that that dog was a baby cow…”

(I live near Chicago and although we do see horses here and then, seeing a cow is near impossible.)

Mom: *looks at me in utter shame*

Me: “In my defense it was a pretty large black and white dog with just the right amount of spots, all right?”

(I am seeing the new Star Wars movie with a friend, a movie theater employee at the theater we are attending. Just before the movie starts, there is a small advertisement stating that the theater is hiring. The following takes place in the few seconds of dead silence after the advertisement.)

Friend: *just loud enough to be heard by everyone in the theater* “IT’S A TRAP!”

(A friend moved from California to Colorado a few years ago and to say the change in climes has been a shock to her would be an understatement. This conversation happens on a well-known social media site.)

Friend: “♪ ♫ ♪ ♫ It’s beginning to look a lot like Chrisstmaaaa ♪ ♫ ♪ ♫… Wait, isn’t tomorrow frickin’ MAY?!”

Friend’s Husband: “Three months of summer; nine months of winter.”

Friend: “Three months? Last year, summer was on a Wednesday.”

(I and a few coworkers are starting the day off slow with a little conversation before heading out. Two coworkers have a notoriously bad attitude towards one another and put very little effort into dealing with the issue. On this particular day they are scheduled to travel together to an alternate location.)

Coworker #1: *holds out vehicle keys to [Coworker #2]*

Coworker #2: *wordlessly stares at [Coworker #1]*

(Awkward pause.)

Coworker #1: *pulls keys back*

Coworker #3: *sarcasm* “Nice communication, guys.”

(My cell phone rings with an unknown number from Massachusetts.)

Me: “Hello?”

Caller: “Hi, is this [Name]?”

Me: *politely* “No, this isn’t her.”

Caller: *suddenly speaking with a snarky attitude* “Well, sorry, but I was given this number with her name, and I was just trying to reach her! So sorry for getting the wrong number, but I’m just trying to find [Name]. Sorry, but I didn’t know it was a wrong number!”

Me: *baffled at her tone* “Er, okay.”

(She hung up after that. Never been told off for letting someone know it was a wrong number.)