(I’m not very good at noticing people’s physical characteristics. Both these conversations are with a friend I have known for over a year.)

Me: “You’ve got no thumbs!”

Friend: “I’ve never had thumbs. I was born like that.”

Me: “How did I never notice before?”

Friend: “I don’t know especially since we met in the pool hall!”

(A few months later he shows me his new ID.)

Friend: “Not the best picture.”

Me: “Haha, it makes you look like you have huge buck teeth.”

Friend: “…”

(I look at him and realise he has huge buck teeth and I never noticed before.)

Me: “…”

Friend: *trying not to laugh* “You can say it. I do have huge buck teeth.”

Me: “No, you don’t.”

Friend: “You are such a bad liar.”

(I buy a local pool pass for my whole family but they are so busy they never come out with me and my daughter, so I just have friends join me. They are usually male. I never talk about my job and very few people know what I do.)

Me: *to the check in lady* “Three under pass 69.”

Friend: “Seriously?”

(Later I got a text reminding me to pay a bill.)

Me: “I need to pay this quickly. Sorry!” *on phone* “Yes, my Social Security number is [bunch of numbers] 666.”

(I get off the phone and see my friend looking me up and down.)

Me: “What?”

Friend: “You don’t say where you work; you leave for foreign countries all the time! Now your pool pass is 69 and you have 666 in your Social Security number!”

Me: “Yeah? And?”

Friend: “I knew it. You are the devil in disguise.”

(I’m watching ‘Planet 51’ in the theatre. The human character is naked for some reason.)

Alien: “That’s a funny place for a tentacle!”

(Silence in the theatre, and then…)

Little Girl: “Daddy, what does that mean?”

Me: “I am SO glad I’m not the person who has to answer that question!”

(I am 10 years old. I’m with my older brother in the post office. My brother is waiting in a queue and I decide to sit down on a nearby sofa because we’ve been walking a lot. Soon afterwards, an angry-looking old woman comes in; she has a cane but is surprisingly fast. She ignores other chairs nearer the entrance and makes a beeline for me.)

Old Woman: “Get up! I’m tired! I want to sit!” *gesturing away from the sofa*

(Surprised, I get up and go stand next to my brother, still in the queue. She sits in the sofa for a few seconds at most and then stands up and goes back out the door, still looking angry.)

Brother: “Somebody’s disappointed she didn’t get to prove that kids today are rude.”

(My friend and I for some reason got on the topic of menopause. We are in our 30s.)

Friend: “I haven’t had my period in two months! My husband’s fixed! I’ve taken two tests and they all come up negative!”

Me: “No way! I haven’t had mine in like six months, and taken five tests that are all negative! You would think with 99% accuracy one would be positive! I’m a size zero. If I was even two months pregnant it would show.”

Friend: “I know!”

Me: “I am kind of liking this, though.”

(We should see doctors. But, seriously, not having a time of the month is awesome!)