Abridged Evil

| Pittsburgh, PA, USA | Friendly | February 24, 2014

(My roommate and I have a friend staying overnight. It is getting late and my friend and I are in the bedroom area of our house.)

Roommate: *from the main room, in a bored tone* “Mwa ha.”

Me: “Got it.”

Friend: “Um, what?”

Me: “Oh, that’s us-speak for ‘I’m locking the door and turning off the lights.’ You know, like ‘Mwa ha ha, now I have you in my evil power!’ Only it’s routine, so it’s just kind of…” *shrugs* “‘Mwa ha.'”

Friend: “You two are weird.”

Me: “This is not news.”

The Normality Of Abnormal Friendship

| Pasadena, CA, USA | Friendly | February 24, 2014

(On very short notice, I have driven for four hours to be with my friends during a family emergency. It is nearly 10 pm when we stop at a fast food place just in time to find one of my tires is flat. We proceed to unload my trunk to get at the spare tire and tools. Afterwards…)

Me: “Can I take a moment to thank you for not even asking why I have a seamstress dummy in the trunk of my car?”

Friend: “Hon, it goes with the territory. Dummy, bags of chips, several 12-packs of soda, that’s all normal for you to have in your car.”

Me: “True.”

Friend: “Only thing I’m wondering is why you don’t have saltines in your purse. You must have really rushed down here!”

No Black And White Explanation

| Rochester, MI, USA | Friendly | February 24, 2014

(I do this potentially annoying thing where I text my best friend thoughts without explaining the backstory. I’m at work and have realized there is a small tear in the seat of my black pants. So, with no explanation, I text my bestie:)

Me: “Wanna help me color my a** black with a sharpie?”

Bestie: “… YES! Without question, yes!”

Cards And Inhumanity

| Ephraim, UT, USA | Friendly | February 23, 2014

(Earlier in the evening I’d won a card game while playing with my roommates. My best friend at the time was angry, so she shoves a load of crumpled up paper underneath my sheets. She laughs as I clean it out and I curl up to sleep. The next morning I ask her why she did that since she knew pranks on my bed always upset me.)

Roommate: “It was the meanest thing I thought to do.”

Me: “You know I hate my bed messed with, and your laughing at me made me cry myself to sleep.”

Roommate: “I don’t pity you. You won in the card game.” *walks off

(There’s a reason we’re not friends anymore.)

Florida, Key East

| Southend-On-Sea, England, UK | Friendly | February 22, 2014

(My best friend and I are talking about a group holiday and where we could go.)

Me: “We’ll have to go somewhere that everybody agrees on. We can’t go to a place just one person wants to go to.”

Friend: “Yeah, it’ll have to be somewhere that caters for everyone. Some tourist attractions, a couple clubs, and a beach.”

Me: “Precisely.”

Friend: “Ooh, what about that place in Spain. Oh, what’s it called? Sounds like ‘Florida’.”

Me: “I don’t know a place in Spain beginning with—”

Friend: “Tenerife!”

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