(A couple friends of mine and I are staying in a hotel overnight celebrating one of their birthdays and one of them starts to worry about what would be done to him if he were the first to fall asleep.)

Friend: “Don’t worry about that. I’ll be honest; I would wake you up in a terrible way, but I will NOT mess with a man while he’s asleep.”

Me: “Wait, in order to wake him up in a terrible way, you technically have to start by messing with him while he’s asleep.”

Friend: *wide eyed* “I never thought of that…”

(I’m at my friend’s house and we’re talking about random facts she learnt about humans…)

Friend: “So, did you know that we have invisible stripes?”

Me: “What, like zebras, just standing up?”

Friend: “Yeah, and did you know that we also glow? Not so much that our eyes can see it, but we do glow.”

Me: “So we’re glowing vertical zebras?”

Friend: “Exactly!”

(I am female, but have a large enough chest that it’s uncomfortable, and want to present in a more masculine way. I’m talking to my friend about it as we’re driving around.)

Me: “…so I want to get a breast reduction. You know, make them the same size, and a lot smaller.”

Friend: “How much are you thinking?”

Me: “Well, they usually go down a few cup sizes, but I’m going to want to see if it’s possible to get them down a bit more than they usually take off for [my size].”

Friend: *pauses, a strange look on his face* “No… I can’t. I was going to make a joke.”

Me: “What sort of joke? Now you have to tell me!”

Friend: *pauses again* “Well… a barbershop joke.”

Me: *confused*

Friend: “I mean, ‘can you take a little off the top?’”

(I am at a grocery store shopping. A man in the same aisle is shopping with a boy of about eight or nine, by the looks of him. While the man is selecting a packaged product from the freezer case, his son is playing with a plastic bag, blowing it up and deflating it. I mind my own business until the kid puts the bag on his head and pulls it over his face. At this point, I interfere.)

Me: *to the boy* “Hey, buddy. Don’t do that. It’s not safe. Pull that bag off.”

(The boy ignores me, so I reach out and pull the bag off his head by its top, without actually touching the kid. His dad turns around just in time to see me do that.)

Dad: “What the h*** are you doing?”

Me: “Sorry, sir, but your son pulled a plastic bag over his head. It’s dangerous. He can suffocate.”

Dad: “What business is it of yours, b****? He is just playing. He always does that. Don’t you touch my kid!”

Me: “Sorry. I won’t do it again, I promise.” *I turn and walk away with my grocery cart*

Dad: *yelling after me* “Right, b****! Walk away! Everybody is a f***ing parenting critic! Go take care of your own kids!”

(I promise you, sir, I do. And I certainly don’t let them put plastic bags over their heads.)

(My friend is playing Pokémon. His level 7 Tepig is almost “dead,” but the Pokémon he is facing is level 2. My friend decides to catch the Pokémon.)

Friend: *throwing Pokéball* “Imma catch him so that I have him in my pokédex.”

Me: “What’s the bet he escapes? Ping! Ping!” *Imitating the Pokéball noise* “Ping!”

(The Pokémon escapes.)

Friend: “Oh, my god. You did it.”