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The First And True Language Of America

| Right | October 8, 2013

Fickle Pickle Love

, | Laguna Niguel, CA, USA | Working | October 8, 2013

(I’m at a restaurant where your burrito is custom-assembled as you move down the line. It’s the lunch rush, and the line is all the way to the door, but the employees are moving quickly. The three customers ahead of me have placed long, rambling orders with various special requests and asking for items to be added after they’ve already passed the station with those ingredients.)

Employee: *speaking quickly* “Hi, how are ya? What can I get for you?”

Me: “Hi! Burrito. Brown rice. Pinto beans. Chicken.” *big smile*

Employee: *stops everything and slaps the counter with both hands* “I love you! I love you, I love you, I love you, I love you. Do you know how much I love you? Burrito, brown rice, pinto beans, chicken. Oh man, I love you!”

Me: “Haha, thanks!”

(My burrito is now finished and I hand a printed e-gift certificate to the cashier.)

Cashier: “Whaaaaat?! You printed it?! Oh man, I love you, too! I love you, I love you!”

(The cashier has trouble scanning the barcode.)

Cashier: *jokingly* “Wait a minute. Nope. No, I don’t love you anymore. Sorry. I just don’t!”

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Secret Shop, Public Flop

| NJ, USA | Working | October 8, 2013

Head Cashier: “[Coworker], you’ve failed a secret shop. [My Name], take over her register. We have to go and do the counseling and write-up.”

(All the cashiers within earshot are shocked. The coworker in question is one of the best cashiers in the store.)

Me: “[Coworker]?! No way! Are you sure you have the right cashier?”

Head Cashier: “I know, but I got her numbers from the receipt. [Coworker], you’re not going to face any disciplinary action. It’s your first time, and you only missed offering the customer the credit card.”

Coworker: “No. I’m not signing it. I want to see the tape.”

(The manager pulls the surveillance recordings. The ‘customer’ in question is a 10-year-old girl buying bottled water. Laws have just been passed protecting teenagers from credit card companies. We are legally not allowed to push one AT ALL if the customer declines and says they’re under 18.)

Coworker #2: “Hey, isn’t that [Coworker #3]’s daughter?”

(The write-up was torn up right there. The girl was too young to have a job in the first place, and definitely too young for us to legally ask her to open a credit card. She had made a tiny purchase that didn’t require us to ask her to open one, and wouldn’t have been allowed to secret shop us anyway because she was directly related to an employee. The head cashier sends a scathing letter to corporate about the incident and their choice of secret shop companies. Not long after, secret shops were discontinued altogether!)

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New Hire, New Fire

| USA | Working | October 8, 2013

(A new family moves to our church community, and I’m trying to be friendly with the oldest daughter.)

New Hire: “Do you know where I can find work?”

Me: “Hmm, we may have something at the company where I work.”

New Hire: “That’s great! I’ve worked in many different offices, so I have a lot of experience as an administrative assistant!”

Me: “No, I already do the office stuff. You’d be cleaning up in the warehouse. It’ll be gross and dirty. Maybe you don’t want to do something like that?”

New Hire: “No, I’m totally interested! I want ANY job!”

(Since she’s so enthused and adamant about getting a job, I talk to my boss and get them in contact with each other. After her interview, he hires her on the spot to start the next day.)

(I work a 6 am to noon shift. I approach my bus after 8 am.)

Me: “The new hire was supposed to come in today, right?”

Boss: “Yeah, about 30 minutes ago. I think she’s running late because of the bus.”

Me: “Yeah, probably.”


Me: “Do you think she got lost on the way here?”

Boss: “Can you call her?”

Me: “She doesn’t have a cell phone.”

Boss: “Well, it’s okay for her to be late today. We’re hard to find, and she’s taking the bus.”

(Later, near the end of my shift…)

Boss: “She didn’t show up at all. What if something happened to her?”

Me: “I do have her house number, but it’s not on me right now. I’ll call first thing when I get home and talk to her family.”

(Sometime after noon, I call her house as promised.)

New Hire: “Hello?”

Me: “[New Hire]? Is that you?”

New Hire: “Oh! Heh, yeah, it’s me.”

Me: “So, uh, what happened? Did you have some sort of trouble getting to the office?”

New Hire: “No, I never came.”

Me: “Why?!”

New Hire: “I have something to do later tonight, so I couldn’t come in today.”

Me: “But we work in the morning. How does that interfere with anything going on tonight?”

New Hire: “I have to get ready.”

Me: *sighs* “Whatever. Why didn’t you call the office to let us know that you weren’t coming? We were worried about you!”

New Hire: “Um… I would have, but I don’t have the number to the office. No one ever gave it to me!”

Me: “I know you have the number because I gave you the business card. [Boss] gave you one too. The number is right on the business card!”

New Hire: “Oh! Yeah, it is.”

Me: “You have to call [Boss] to let him know that you’re okay and that you just couldn’t make it in today.”

New Hire: “Can’t you tell him for me?”

Me: *really annoyed now* “No. That’s your responsibility! You were talking to him face-to-face yesterday. You could have told him that you couldn’t start today. Why didn’t you say anything then?”

New Hire: “Uh… I couldn’t tell him, because I was shy?”

Me: “Y’know, it’s common courtesy to let people know when you’re running late or can’t show up. And really, you CAN’T do that to your BOSS! That’s not professional!”

New Hire: “I’m really sorry. Can you tell him for me?”

Me: “No! You could have called earlier, but you didn’t, so you’re going to call him right now and apologize and make sure you’re still coming in tomorrow!”

New Hire: “Okay, okay, I’ll call.”

Me: “Good.”

(The next day, I ask my boss if she ever called. She didn’t! I explain to him what happened, and he fires her, if you can fire a person who has never shown up for a day of work. She did manage to get hired somewhere else, but I heard that she eventually got fired for pulling a similar stunt.)

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Technically Unsupportive

| Seattle, WA, USA | Working | October 8, 2013

(On my way out of the company, my computer-illiterate coworkers ask me to teach them how to edit web forms. I’ve had to deal with a lot of with these coworkers, so this is the last straw.)

Accountant: “So show me the file where we do things.”

Me: *opens file* “Here it is.”

Event Planner: “But that’s a PHP file. You were hired for HTML.”

Me: “You can use them together.”

Accountant: “We can’t do PHP. You need to teach it to us.”

Event Planner: “Yeah, we need to know PHP to do this.”

Me: “I can’t teach you PHP in the hour I have before I leave this job. I spent two years in college and numerous months on freelance projects before I had a full and complete understanding of HTML and PHP.”

Accountant: “Well, just tell us how to change the price on this thing here.”

Me: “Go here and change ‘price’ to a different number.”

(The accountant changes the number, then changes two other numbers that aren’t related to price, saves the file and closes the program.)

Accountant: “See? I just changed three prices. I didn’t need time in college for that, did I?”

Me: “That was unnecessarily rude. I’ve been polite about how little you understand all of this ‘high tech’ crap, but I’m done. I’m out; see you guys never, and I don’t want a reference.”

(Two weeks later, they leave 25 voicemail messages saying that the form the accountant edited is broken, and that I need to fix it. I never respond.)

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