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Should Stick To Painting With All The Colors Of The Wind

| MD, USA | Learning | October 9, 2013

(We are discussing Pocahontas in history class.)

Friend: “Wait, didn’t she get some disease and die really young?”

Teacher: “We’re still not sure what disease, but yes.”

(Most of the girl classmates discuss how Disney ‘tricked them’ while my friend has another question.)

Friend: “Where did she get it?”

Teacher: “It was the 17th century. They didn’t have vaccines or any kind of prevention.”

Friend: “…didn’t she get it from having sex with Lewis and Clarke?”

(The entire class just stares at her. Finally, I speak up.)

Me: “Wrong girl, wrong time, and definitely wrong cause.”

Teacher: *still speechless* “I don’t think I’ve ever heard a more wrong statement in my life.”

(She also thought that John Wilkes and John Wilkes Booth were the same guy.)

Linux Would Blow Her Mind And Drive

| USA | Learning | October 9, 2013

(It is 1998, when candy-colored iMac computers are popular. I have just gotten a lime green one for Christmas, and am setting it up for dial-up internet access in the dorm.)

Roommate: “What kind of Windows is that? It looks different from mine.”

Me: “It’s not Windows. It’s Mac OS 9.”

Roommate: “Don’t be silly. You can’t run a computer without a Windows.”

Me: “Ooookay, then.”

Roommate: “You know, I just changed my major to computer science, so let me know if you need any help!”

(She dropped out about six weeks later.)

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Coming Out And Going Out

| Learning | October 9, 2013

Get Some Up-Lifted Bras To Go With Shop-Lifted Panties

| Boston, MA, USA | Right | October 8, 2013

(I have just clocked out at work, and I have already changed into my street clothes. I am waiting for a manager to check my bag before I can leave, as is this is store policy. While I’m waiting, I see a customer is stooped low near a table of panties and she has her purse open. I cannot clearly see what is going on, but from experience I assume she is stealing them. She makes for the door when I speak to her.)

Me: “Would you like a shopping bag for those?”

Customer: “Uh… what?”

Me: “Would you like a shopping bag for those panties you just put in your purse?”

Customer: “Oh… I was just… uh… going over to the register.”

(She tries to casually change directions and head back towards the register.)

Me: “Right, well, since you have no intention of paying for them, can I have them back please?”

Customer: “Yeah.”

(She looks extremely embarrassed and irritated that she got caught, but she opens her purse and pulls out the biggest wad of panties I’ve ever seen. She shoves them back onto the table.)

Me: “Thank you.”

(I watch her rush out of the door. It is not our store policy to confront shoplifters. However, I am not on the clock and therefore can say whatever I want!)

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Can’t Put Her Finger On The Problem

| Milwaukee, WI, USA | Right | October 8, 2013

(I work at the touch tank at a local aquarium. We invite guests to dip their fingers in and stroke the aquatic life as they swim past, provided they don’t put in more than two fingers at a time so as not to overwhelm the animals.)

Me: “And over here we have lake sturgeon and blue gill, both native to our own Lake Michigan!”

Guest: “What are these?” *points to starfish tank*

Me: “Those are red knobbed starfish, ma’am. They’re native to the Indian Ocean.”

Guest: “And I can touch them?”

Me: “Absolutely! We only ask that you use two fingers at a time.”

(The guest nods and proceeds to stick her thumb and forefinger into the tank, pull the starfish out, shake the water off it, and place it in her purse.)

Me: “Ma’am! Taking the marine life out of the tank is very dangerous! Please! I’m going to have to ask that you put it back!”

Guest: “But I wanted to take it home.”

Me: “I’m sorry, but that’s a living creature you have there. We can’t just let people reach in and take out our animals!”

Guest: “I only used two fingers!”

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