Archive for 2013

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New Year, New Mom

| Oklahoma City, OK, USA | Related | December 26, 2013

(It’s just after midnight on New Year’s Day. I am trying to call my mom, who is at a work party.)

Mom: “Hello?”

Me: “Happy New Years, mom!”

Mom: “Happy New Years, sweetie!”

Me: “You having fun?”

Mom: “Yeah. It’s nice.”

Me: “I’m just hanging out. Watched the New York City ball drop.”

Mom: “Haha.”

Me: “Yeah. [Sister] went to bed hours ago. No fun there.”

Mom: “Huh? Wha…”

Me: “[Sister] went to bed… [Mom’s name]?”

Mom: “No! Who is this?”

Me: “My name is [Name]. Oh, my God. I’m so sorry. I must have called the wrong number!”

Mom: “Hahaha! I thought you were my daughter calling home from college!”

Me: “Oh, my God! I thought your voice sounded off, but figured—”

Mom: “—it was just the phone line. Yeah!”

Me: “Well, Happy New Years, anyway! Nice meeting you!”

Mom: “Hahaha! Happy New Year to you!”

Underwear Is Underappreciated

| Indianapolis, IN, USA | Related | December 26, 2013

(It’s Christmas. My family is opening gifts. We always go by age, and we have to open one gift each. First up is my little cousin, who is four years old)

Cousin: *opens gifts* “What’s this?” *holds up pack of underwear* “These are not toys!”

Santa’s Got Male

| Baltimore, MD, USA | Related | December 26, 2013

(I have just turned two years old. My little brother was born about a month before. We are visiting Santa.)

Santa: “Hello, little girl! What do you want for Christmas?”

Me: “Do you have a penis?”

Santa: *to my mom* “Did she just ask what I think she did?”

Mom: “Her little brother was just born. She learned the difference between boys and girls. She wants to know if you’re a boy or a girl.”

Santa: “Oh! I’m a boy.”

Conversations Of An Adult Nature

| St Cloud, MN, USA | Romantic | December 26, 2013

(I am texting my husband.)

Me: “You know if you brought me a [Energy Drink] when you come to pick the baby up, I’d probably blow you again.”

Husband: “If you pay the car payment, I’d probably clean the house up.”

Me: “Are you trying to bribe me to do my adult responsibilities by saying you’ll do your adult responsibilities?”

Husband: “Probably…”

All Is Fair In Love And War

| NY, USA | Romantic | December 26, 2013

(My girlfriend and I are both skilled in martial arts. One day we are sparring, and I’m starting to get the upper hand. Suddenly, she stops. She faces me and kisses me on the nose.)

Girlfriend: “I love you!”

Me: “What?”

(She then proceeds to grab me, flip me over her shoulder, and pin me to the mat.)

Me: “That’s cheating!”

Girlfriend: “Not when I say I love you!”

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