(It is late afternoon on Christmas Eve. My husband comes into the living room while putting on his coat.)

Husband: “Hey, so how much is in the bank account?”

Me: “Looks like the mortgage went through today. We’ve got about $50 left in there.”

Husband: “What?! What happened to it all?”

Me: “Well, I spent about $50 extra on groceries this week for Christmas dinner; I told you that.”

Husband: “Well, that’s just great! I was going to go and get you a present for Christmas, but there’s nothing left!”

(He left it to late Christmas Eve to get me my present. Apparently, $50 “wasn’t enough”, so I got nothing.)

(I’m in organic chemistry. We’re working in the lab, which is on the third floor. Suddenly, the fire alarm goes off. We all have to clear the building and stand in the parking lot. Keep in mind that we all are still wearing lab coats, goggles, and gloves. As we’re standing there, students from other classes eye us suspiciously.)

Student: “What did you guys do?!”

Classmate: “I took off my shoe and the smell was so bad that it triggered the alarm.”

(Oddly, the classmate’s shoe had fallen off at the exact same moment that the alarm went off. He had to leave it in the lab until the fire alarm was over. Maybe it really did set the alarm off!)

Related:
If The Shoe Fits…

(It’s Christmas season, and I’m shopping in a department store. An elderly couple is also shopping nearby. The woman goes off to look at something in a different section. The gentleman sneezes.)

Me: “Bless you.”

Elderly Gentleman: *looks at his wife* “It’s already been done.”

(I’m sitting at my position, working for a well-known religious charity. I am collecting donations to fund their various charitable programs. A customer walks by.)

Customer: “Merry Christmas!”

Me: “Merry Christmas!”

Customer: “You aren’t allowed to say that!” *walks away*

(A customer walks into the store, explaining ‘Elf on the Shelf’ to her sister. It is a toy resembling one of Santa’s elves, who sits on a shelf in a child’s room.)

Customer: “You tell the kids he’s watching them. At night, he flies back to the North Pole to tell Santa if they’re being good. Then you put him someplace else, like he moved while they were sleeping.”

(The customer sees that we have the plush stuffed elf.)

Customer: “This is the one they can take to bed. You can’t touch the other one or he loses his magic and can’t fly to the North Pole anymore.”

Customer’s Sister: “How can you move him around if you can’t touch him?”

Customer: “…he’s not really magic.”