Cool Coworker Coaxes Courage

I had a mother who was both physically and psychologically abusive. Her favorite “hobby” was arguing with people (which she’s done with just about everyone under the sun), and she would constantly pick fights with me as a teenager and force me to argue with her for hours, even when I would lose it and flip out screaming and throwing things.

Because of this, I had a difficult time standing up for myself as a young adult and would go to great lengths to avoid conflicts with people. (I couldn’t even confront a seven-year-old girl for constantly making insulting remarks at me every time she saw me.) If I was seriously angry at someone, my remedy was to simply give them the silent treatment rather than say, “I didn’t appreciate it when you…”

At work, I received an email from a coworker of mine who, being from Italy, was well known for being blunt, direct, and sometimes boisterous in her confrontations — including those with customers! The email, in summary, unfairly accused me of being too careless, complacent, and unwilling to think outside the box in terms of problem-solving.

It made me extremely angry, but I did not respond. I did divulge the details of the email to another coworker and told her how upset I was to be so unfairly branded as lazy, more or less.

The following morning, the Italian coworker approached my desk.

Coworker #1: “I understand you have a problem with me you’d like to discuss.”

I glared at her and then ignored her.

She knocked on my desk.

Coworker #1: “Excuse me. I understand you have a problem with me you’d like to discuss.”

I continued working.

Coworker #1: “Yeah, my husband tried the silent treatment with me, too. It didn’t get him anywhere, either.”

I stayed silent.

Coworker #1: “Hey, [My Name]? I don’t start my shift until this evening. I literally have all day. So, let’s deal with the problem.” *Pulling up a chair*

Me: “I don’t want to talk to you!”

Coworker #1: “I guessed that already.”

I pretended to be busy.

Coworker #1: “[TV Celebrity] had signs of cancer but ignored it until it turned into Stage 4 cancer. By the time he went for medical treatment, it was too late and he died.”

Me: “What does that have to do with anything?”

Coworker #1: “Fires don’t often burn out by themselves unless you put them out.”

Me: “ALL RIGHT ALREADY!” *Tossing my pen* “You seriously pissed me off when you said [email contents] in your email!”

And we ended up discussing how we felt about each other’s performance in the office.

Ironically, it was this Italian woman who taught me the importance of speaking up for one’s self and not being afraid to engage in a (civil and professional) conflict if someone has crossed your boundaries.

A new snarky coworker came weeks later, grabbed a piece of training paper I was reviewing, and walked away, saying:

Coworker #2: “Been looking all over for this! I need this! If you don’t know the protocol by heart by now, take your sorry a** home!”

I seethed quietly.

Coworker #1: “Don’t let him get away with that.”

Me: “It’s okay. I’ll talk to Human Resources—”

Coworker #1: “Don’t let him get away with that.”

She pushed me in [Coworker #2]’s direction and pointed at him.

Coworker #1: “HR is not your mouth!”

I walked up to [Coworker #2].

Me: “Excuse me. I don’t know who you think you are or who you think you’re talking to, but…”

That was about ten years ago, and to this day, I will always credit that Italian girl for helping me find my voice and showing me how to push back on problems that approach me!