(I will be moving to a new apartment in a few weeks. I call my local cable company to get a price quote and to see if I can set up a service appointment. It is almost the end of September.)

Me: “Hello, my name is [My Name] and I’m moving to a new apartment on October 11. I wanted to see how much it would cost to get cable, Internet, and home phone set up.”

Representative: “I can help you with that! What is your current address?”

Me: “Well, I currently live at [Current Residence], but I’m going to move on October 11.”

Representative: *typing* “Oh, it looks like you already have cable, Internet, and home phone…”

Me: “Yes, at my current home. I’m moving on October 11 to a new apartment. I want to get a package price and see if I can set up service.”

Representative: “Oh! Yes, I can help you with that. What is the apartment address?”

Me: *gives address*

Representative: *typing* “It looks like someone is currently living there…”

Me: “…”

(There is a coworker who shares the same first name with me. Ever since he started working here, the two of us are constantly mixed up by one of the managers. Normally it is nothing serious, such as calling me and then having to clarify he meant the other one or something similar. I notice that I am suddenly not getting any more shifts. Curious, I head in and see the manager is in, apparently annoyed.)

Me: “Hey, [Manager]. Something wrong?”

Manager: “It seems [Coworker with same name] wants me to fire him. Hasn’t shown up for any shifts lately, and now won’t to answer his cell.”

Me: “If you want, you can give me the shifts he’s working. I haven’t worked anything for a couple weeks now.”

Manager: *gives me an odd look* “That’s because you quit. You don’t work here anymore.”

Me: *surprised* “What?! Since when?”

Manager: “You handed in your two weeks notice. Once that was done, you were let go.”

Me: “That wasn’t me! I came here wondering why I wasn’t getting any shifts!”

(This only seems to confuse Manager even more, but then seems to notice something.)

Manager: “Wait, aren’t you [My Name, Other Coworker’s surname]?”

Me: “No, I’m [My Name, My surname]!”

Manager: “…Wait here a second.”

(He heads to the back. A couple minutes later, he returns with a letter. Indeed it’s a two-week’s notice… for the coworker with the same name.)

Manager: “…I got your names mixed up again, didn’t I?”

Me: “Looks that way.”

Manager: “Don’t worry; I’ll get this fixed ASAP. Sorry about that. Should have thought it was weird that you quit so suddenly when [now former Coworker with same name] kept talking about finding a new job.”

(To his credit, the Manager had me working again within the week, and even got my pay back to what it was from the previous raises I had earned instead of minimum wage. He even added another raise shortly after, as ‘an apology for firing the wrong [My Name].’)

(I am 13-years old and getting a check up on my braces. The orthodontist is from out-of-town and only comes in two days a week. He has been beating around the bush for a while on when I can get the braces off, but he finally tells me that it’s time to remove them. My mother goes to make an appointment with the receptionist.)

Mom: “Hi there! Dr. [Orthodontist] said [My Name] can finally get the braces off!”

Receptionist: *typing on her computer* “Yes, I heard.”

Mom: “So… when can we make that appointment for?”

Receptionist: “Mm. I don’t know. Dr. [Orthodontist] is booked for the next few months.”

Mom: “Excuse me? I thought that he would have some time open to make this appointment… that he just recommended.”

Receptionist: “Well, it looks like there’s some time in the schedule for [a date three months from now]. It might not be enough time to remove the braces, though. That’s quite a long procedure.”

Mom: “Woah! That’s a long way off! Are you sure you don’t have anything sooner?”

Receptionist: *glaring at Mom* “Dr. [Orthodontist] is very busy. He’s doing this town a huge favor by coming up here, out of the goodness of his heart. You should be grateful that he can make time for you at all.”

Mom: *speechless*

(We took the appointment with the understanding that we would be at the top of the wait list for an earlier one. I got the braces off only a month later, but my mom still laughs about “the goodness of the orthodontist’s heart.”)

(Though I originally applied for a job in tech support, I am given an interview in the sales division. It’s not what I’d hoped for, but I need the money. Note: I am straight edge, meaning I do not drink, smoke, or use drugs.)

Interviewer: “What kind of music do you listen to?”

Me: “Uh… I listen to anything, really, but I lean towards classical music, musicals, or stuff like [Band].”

Interviewer: “[Band]? I’ve never heard of them.”

Me: “Most Norwegians haven’t. They’re US-based, and better known there.”

Interviewer: “I ask because I want to know if you’ll be a good fit with the rest of the team. We listen to a lot of music. Mostly techno and similar genres. Would you object to that?”

Me: “Not really. I listen to a variety of music.”

Interviewer: “Good. Next question, do you use drugs?”

Me: *taken by surprise by the question* “What?! No!”

Interviewer: “Oh, it’s no problem if you do. We just need to know, so we can tell you when there’s drug tests.”

(I’m not really sure what their reasoning with that was, and I had self control enough not to point out it defeated the point of drug tests.)

(I get a scam telephone call to my home number (which isn’t listed in the phone book), so I decide to have some fun with the scammer.)

Scam Caller: “Madam, I am calling you today because there is a problem with the computer in your house. We are aware of this problem for some weeks, and we have been tracking it. It is a problem between your computer and the network. Are you aware of this problem, Madam?”

Me: “Ah, yeah, but it’s totally my fault.”

Scam Caller: “…What?”

Me: “Yeah, I summoned the Dark Lord Lucifer through an online ouija board a few weeks ago, and he’s been screwing with my Internet ever since.”

Scam Caller: “…Madam, we can help you fix this issue today. All you have to do is–”

Me: “Nah, it’s cool. I’ll tell Lucifer to bugger off and it’ll be grand. Bye!”