They’re Called Patrons Because They’re Patronizing

I’m doing work-study at my college’s library. I’m working the circulation desk when this crazy old guy calls in. He tells me he is looking for some mystery man. Silly me, I assume he is talking about an author, so I type the name into an author search. Nothing comes up.

Me: “I’m sorry, I don’t see him in our database. Can I check the spelling?”

Caller: *In a patronizingly patient voice* “It’s [M-Y-S-T-E-R-Y M-A-N]. He’s seventy-five.”

Me: “Oooookay. I’m still not seeing him. Can you tell me what he wrote?”

Caller: “He’s not an author. He’s Mystery Man, and he’s seventy-five, and I need a picture of him.”

At this point, I am officially confused, but I already said I’d help the man, so I Google the Mystery Man. The search comes back with over three thousand results — most of them doctors, strangely enough.

Me: “Sir, can you tell me anything else about [Mystery Man]?”

Caller: “He’s seventy-five, and I need a picture of him!”

At this point, I am shuddering at the thought of having to explain a Google search to someone who apparently has no idea how to use the Internet, or possibly even a mouse. Not to mention that this isn’t even my job.

Me: “Sir, I’ve looked up the name, and I’m getting over three thousand results. I can’t possibly sort through all of this information right now or find the right man without more information.”

Caller: *Patronizing* “Listen, he’s [M-Y-S-T-E-R-Y M-A-N]. He’s seventy-five, and I need a picture of him.”

It occurs to me that even if I could find a picture of [Mystery Man], I have no way to send it to this guy. He obviously doesn’t know how to use a computer, so email is out, and libraries aren’t in the habit of printing out pictures and paying postage to mail them to random callers. I think maybe I could at least direct him to someone who could help him. 

I remember that our county’s public libraries have larger collections and offer limited Internet service to patrons. I’ve even seen their extraordinarily patient and knowledgeable librarians help older patrons use computers before.

Me: “Sir, do you have a public library card?”

Caller: “No.”

Of course not.

Me: “Sir, you need to go to your local public library and ask for help there. They can set you up with a library card, and then you can—”

Caller: “Never mind, you’re not listening to me!” *Click*

I’d always heard that people call librarians for all kinds of random answers as if we were a physical extension of the collection.