(I had been getting plagued by Indian telemarketers and decided enough was enough:)

Telemarketer: “Can I speak to [My Name], please?”

Me: “Il n’est pas ici. Quesque vou voulez monsieur?”

Telemarketer: *silence* “Sorry…?”

Me: “Je ne comprende pas, monsieur. Quesque vous voulez?”

Telemarketer: *silence, muttering in background* “What language are you speaking…?”

Me: “Je ne comprende pas, monsieur. Quesque vous voulez?”

Telemarketer: *more muttering* “What…”

Me: “Je ne comprende pas, monsieur. Allez-vous en!” *click*

(I knew those French lessons I took 45 years ago would come in handy someday…)

Caller: “Hi, I’m from [Company] calling about the £5000 PPI refund you’re entitled to. Can I confirm who I’m speaking to?”

Me: “Hi, I’m on the do-not-call list and I’ve actually asked you guys a few times to stop phoning me all the time. Can you take me off your list, please?”

Caller: “Why, do you not want £5000?”

Me: “I’ve never had a loan so I wouldn’t have been mis-sold PPI.”

Caller: “How would you know that?”

Me: “What?”

Caller: *in a really sarcastic voice* “How would you if you’ve had a loan or not?”

Me: *confused* “Well… I’m me. So I know whether or not I’ve done things?”

Caller: *hangs up*

(I’m a FTM transgender, but have not begun transition, so although I’m frequently called “sir” in person based on my looks, my voice is a dead giveaway – especially at a call center job.)

Me: “Hello, I’m calling on behalf of [Company] regarding the power bill. May I speak with [Name]?”

Man: “Are you wearing any paaaaantieees?”

Me: “…Excuse me, sir?”

Man: “I like women who don’t wear paaaaaantieeees!”

Me: “Sir, I’m a man, and I’m calling to save you money on your power bill.”

Man: “No, you’re not! You’re a WOMAN and I like women who don’t wear PAAAAANTIEEEEES!”

Me: “So you’ve said, sir, but I’m a transgender man. Would you like to save money on your power bill or not?”

(At this apparently horrific revelation, the customer hangs up on ME, and I pause the dialer to do a victory dance at my desk.)

This story is part of the Transgender-themed roundup!

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(I work for my university calling alum and asking for donations to the school. A child who sounds about five or six picks up.)

Kid: “Hello?”

Me: “Hi, may I please speak to [Alum]?”

Kid: *to mom* “Mom, there’s some weird lady on the phone for you.”

Alum: “Oh, my god, I am so sorry!”

Me: *laughing hysterically* “That brightened my entire day.”

Alum: “I’ll give him a talking-to later.”

Me: “No, no, I promise. It was adorable.”

(One day, many years ago, my phone rings and it’s a telemarketer.)

Telemarketer: “Good day! My name is [Telemarketer] and I’d like to tell you all about [offer]…”

Me: “No, thank you!”

(I hang up the phone and think nothing of it. 10 minutes later, I decide to go online and check my e-mail. This was back in the days of dial-up Internet, so I try to dial my Internet provider, but my computer gives me an error message saying there’s no dial tone. Curious, I pick up the phone and hear no dial tone.)

Me: “Hello?”

Telemarketer: “MR. [My Name], ARE YOU TRYING TO HANG UP ON ME?”

Me: “What?”

Telemarketer: “BECAUSE I’VE BEEN WAITING FOR YOU ON THE LINE FOR 10 MINUTES NOW. Now be honest with me. Were you trying to hang up on me?”

Me: “Uh… uh… no. I dropped the phone, and I thought it’d hung up on you by accident.”

Telemarketer: “Very well, then. I can go back to telling you about [offer]…”

(This time, I hung up the phone very gently, and slightly weirded out. I unplugged my phone from the wall and went for a walk. I came back a half-hour later, plugged the phone back in, and found he was finally gone. To this day, I have no idea how a telemarketer could prevent me from hanging up my phone!)