My, Mime-self, And I

| Working | April 16, 2013

(This takes place a month after I quit my job as a telemarketer. One day, I get a phone call from a different company trying to sell the same things I was selling at my old job.)

Telemarketer: “Hi, this is [name] from [company]. Is [my name] available?”

Me: “Speaking.”

Telemarketer: “Awesome! We at [company] are currently going through our old loyal customers and since you have been such a great…”

(At this point I recognize the pitch, as it was the exact same one I had been taught to use at my old work place.)

Me: *joining in* “…customer for us, we are glad to let you know that we are donating you six months’ worth of a magazine of your choice…”

(I continue talking at the same rhythm with him, repeating the old sales pitch from word to word. Surprised, he starts slowing down, until his words fade away and I finish the pitch alone.)

Me: “Yes, can you imagine getting six months of a magazine of your choice for free? The only thing you’ll need to worry about is the postage. So, for merely 20€ a month, you can get [lists various magazines] and receive a gift that is worth over 60€. What do you think? Shall we mail the first magazine this week?”

Telemarketer: “Uh…”

Me: “Yeah, sorry dude, not biting. Been there, done that.”

(He didn’t even bother to say good bye or anything and basically just dropped the call right there. On the positive side of things, they never called me again.)

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How To Make Them Call It Quits

| Working | April 12, 2013

(I have been getting calls from a charity asking me to donate money to them for over a week, and I’ve been getting pretty fed up.)

Cold Caller: “So as I said before, if you donate today, you can get—”

Me: “Okay, let me stop you right there. This is the sixth time in a week you have rung me, at dinner time, to demand money and each time I have said no I can not afford it right now.”

Cold Caller: *condescending* “Well, what if it were one of your children who needed help, became blind or god forbid, died?”

Me: “Well, now you come to mention it, my youngest child is partially sighted due to a condition called Duane Syndrome and I had to cremate my baby daughter last year as she was stillborn, so no I am not going to donate money that I don’t have when I have children here who need it.”

Cold Caller: *stammering* “Oh… um… okay. Well… um… I’m sorry to bother you.” *hangs up*

(Fortunately, that was the last time we ever heard from them again.)

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The Dangers Of Scold Calling

| Working | March 28, 2013

(My parents are on a long trip and have been away for four weeks. I am in their home to water the plants and take care of their mail.)

Me: “Hello (my name). You have come to [my parents’ name].”

Telemarketer: “Is this [my mother’s name]?”

Me: “No, it’s her daughter.”

Telemarketer: “This is a phone offer, so I would like to talk to [my mother’s name].”

Me: “My mother is not home, and I’m pretty sure she is not interested in your offer.”

Telemarketer: “Well, I talked to her a while ago.”

(I know my mother, and she usually scolds phone salesmen when they call.)

Me: “When did you talk to her?”

Telemarketer: “…At the beginning of last week.”

Me: “Strange…”

Telemarketer: “She seemed interested.”

Me: “My parents have been away for four weeks. So it seems unlikely that you spoke to my mother last week.”

Telemarketer: *hangs up*

(He called back a week later when my parents were home again. My mother scolded him!)

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Divine Wetribution

| Working | March 3, 2013

Telemarketer: “Is this Sheila? Why did you just hang up on me?”

Me: “Because you’re trying to sell me a water purification system.”

Telemarketer: “Well, I’m just calling so I can hang up on YOU!” *click*

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Af-Fair Way To End A Call

| Working | January 22, 2013

(We’ve had several weeks of chronic calls from the same woman from a telemarketing company, always asking for my husband. She refuses to take our number, which is also listed in the Do Not Call registry. We’ve told her that her company is in violation of laws, to no avail. Once again, the same woman calls; this time, however, I decide to use a trick I’ve employed before.)

Caller: “Is Mr. [my husband] there?”

Me: “This is his wife. May I help you?”

Caller: “No, I need to speak to Mr. [my husband].”

(I feign yelling to my husband away from the phone.)

Me: “YOU SON OF A B****! This w**** has been calling you several times a week and doesn’t have the sense to call when I’m not here! I am sick of your f***ing affairs! THIS IS IT! You pack up and get out now! I AM CALLING A LAWYER!”

Caller: *click*

Husband: “Huh? What was that about?”

Me: “Oh… another telemarketer that did not get the idea of call lists.”

Husband: “So, I had another affair?”

Me: “Yup.”

(The company never called back!)

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