Losing Count(y) Of The Scams

| Working | December 14, 2013

(I take a call. The other end sounds like a call centre.)

Me: “Hello?”

Telemarketer: *heavily accented* “Hello, my name is [Mispronounced Anglo-Saxon First Name].”

Me: “Of course it is…”

Telemarketer: “I’m calling from the United Kingdom County Council.”

Me: “I don’t know what to say. I mean, to find out this way that the UK has been downgraded from a country is rather shocking!”

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They Hit Pay Hurt

| Working | December 12, 2013

(I receive a lot of telemarketer calls during the day.)

Telemarketer: “Hi! I’m collecting donations for [Local Police Charity].”

Me: “I’d like to help, but I really don’t have anything to spare.”

(The telemarketer starts more aggressively trying to solicit a donation.)

Me: “Look. I’m a private in the Army and—”

Telemarketer: “Oh! Then you should be happy to help out your brothers in uniform!”

Me: “Okay, look. Have you ever been kicked in the crotch?”

Telemarketer: “W…what?”

Me: “It’s a serious question. Have you?”

Telemarketer: “Yes…”

Me: “Okay. Do you remember the pain? The nausea? The humiliation?”

Telemarketer: “Yes?”

Me: “Good. Now convert those feelings into dollars and cents. That’s what I get paid every month.”

(They stopped calling.)

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A Senior Reason To Hang Up

| Working | December 9, 2013

(I get a phone call at home.)

Telemarketer: “Hello! I’m calling to let you know that you’ve qualified for a free three-month trial of our medical alert system. When can I arrange delivery of your system?”

Me: “I don’t need a medical alert system.”

Telemarketer: “Many people think they don’t need the system; however, you know that every year thousands of seniors will fall and break a bone. Without the ability to summon help, you may lie on your floor for hours or even days before someone finds you!”

Me: “I’m 25. If I fall I will put some ice on it.”

Telemarketer: “But don’t you want to be safe! What if you fall down your stairs? What if you slip in your bathtub?”

Me: “I’ll take my chances, thank you.”

Telemarketer: “But wait! It’s free for the first three months! Wouldn’t you like to try it!?”

Me: “No, thank you. I really don’t need it.”

Telemarketer: “FINE! I hope you fall down the stairs and break both your legs!

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Drive Away The Scammers

| Working | December 8, 2013

(While working at a group home in my community, we receive a scam call. Our manager has given permission for us to prank any scam calls or telemarketers.)

Caller: “Yes, hi. I am calling from windows technical support. We’ve been monitoring your computer and several windows have viruses.”

(I used to work in a call center for a car-sharing company. I decide to go by my old script.)

Me: “Hi. Thank you for calling [Company] today. May I have your name and membership number please?”

Caller: “No, ma’am. You misunderstand. We are not [Car-Sharing Company]. We are technical support.”

Me: “Thank you. Yes, could you repeat that number?”

Caller: “Ma’am, we are from technical support.”

Me: “Oh, I’m so sorry to hear that! Yes, the parking brakes on a Prius can indeed be hard to find.”

Caller: “No, ma’am, nothing is wrong with your car. We are not the car company. We are technical support.”

(I speed rapidly through a full troubleshoot scenario for finding a Prius’ parking brake and disengaging it. The poor scammer kept trying to convince me he wasn’t the car company. They ended up ending the call first!)

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Needs Contraception Compensation Concentration

| Working | December 3, 2013

(I receive a call from someone telling me I’m eligible for compensation. He asks if I’m on any birth control, and I politely say I’m not, but I hope he has a nice day. I’m about to hang up, but he continues.)

Caller: “But you have recently had surgery for a bladder mesh, correct?”

Me: “No, sorry. I’ve never had surgery, in fact. I’m sure nothing has happened that would qualify me for any compensation. Thanks anyway, have a nice—”

Caller: “I don’t think you understand! I am offering you money, okay? Are you on birth control?”

Me: “I don’t need any money, and I’m not on birth control. I’m very healthy. Have a nice day!”

Caller: “I. AM. OFFERING. YOU. MONEY. Do you understand? Money!”

Me: “I understand, but no one’s done anything wrong and I don’t need compensation! Thanks any—”

Caller: “Stupid American! YOU QUALIFY FOR COMPENSATION!” *hangs up*

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