(My friend got a few calls from a telemarketer. One day she gets a hammer and a water pillow on a table, and answers the phone.)

Telemarketer: “Hello, I—”

Friend: *yelling as if talking to someone off the phone* “DO IT AGAIN YOU B****! GO AFTER MY MAN AND I’LL PUT A BULLET THROUGH YOUR SKULL!”

(My friend bangs the table with the hammer, imitating the sound of a gunshot. She then pushes the water pillow off the table and onto the hardwood floor with a thud.)

Friend: *into phone, very creepily* “And I don’t leave any witnesses!”

Telemarketer: *click*

(This was five or six months ago. Amazingly, she has yet to hear from the police, or the telemarketers.)

(My dad has answered a call informing him that he won some money through PCH. However, once the caller tells my dad that he has to put down ten percent of the total winnings, my dad is quick to hang up. This is the next day when my dad answers the phone for a second time.)

Caller: “Sir, may I ask why you hung up on us yesterday after being informed that you are our $500,000 winner?”

Dad: “Well, as I understood taxes are taken out of the amount at the end of the year, not when we are given the money and I just don’t believe you-”

Caller: “Well, f*** you, jack-a**!” *click*

Me: “Hello?”

Voice: “This is [Name] from [Survey Company].”

Me: “Why would I possibly care?”

Voice: “Thank you, goodbye.”

Me: “Good answer.”

(Though I originally applied for a job in tech support, I am given an interview in the sales division. It’s not what I’d hoped for, but I need the money. Note: I am straight edge, meaning I do not drink, smoke, or use drugs.)

Interviewer: “What kind of music do you listen to?”

Me: “Uh… I listen to anything, really, but I lean towards classical music, musicals, or stuff like [Band].”

Interviewer: “[Band]? I’ve never heard of them.”

Me: “Most Norwegians haven’t. They’re US-based, and better known there.”

Interviewer: “I ask because I want to know if you’ll be a good fit with the rest of the team. We listen to a lot of music. Mostly techno and similar genres. Would you object to that?”

Me: “Not really. I listen to a variety of music.”

Interviewer: “Good. Next question, do you use drugs?”

Me: *taken by surprise by the question* “What?! No!”

Interviewer: “Oh, it’s no problem if you do. We just need to know, so we can tell you when there’s drug tests.”

(I’m not really sure what their reasoning with that was, and I had self control enough not to point out it defeated the point of drug tests.)

(I get a scam telephone call to my home number (which isn’t listed in the phone book), so I decide to have some fun with the scammer.)

Scam Caller: “Madam, I am calling you today because there is a problem with the computer in your house. We are aware of this problem for some weeks, and we have been tracking it. It is a problem between your computer and the network. Are you aware of this problem, Madam?”

Me: “Ah, yeah, but it’s totally my fault.”

Scam Caller: “…What?”

Me: “Yeah, I summoned the Dark Lord Lucifer through an online ouija board a few weeks ago, and he’s been screwing with my Internet ever since.”

Scam Caller: “…Madam, we can help you fix this issue today. All you have to do is–”

Me: “Nah, it’s cool. I’ll tell Lucifer to bugger off and it’ll be grand. Bye!”