Eeny, Meeny, Miny, No

| Working | April 27, 2013

(I live in Norway and speak Norwegian, but my English proficiency is better. When I get calls from telemarketers, I like to ask them to speak English as it scares most of them away and saves me from needless conversation.)

Telemarketer: “Hi! This is [name] from [TV provider]. May I ask what TV provider you have?

Me: “Yes, we use [competitor]. And could I please ask you to speak English?”

(To my surprise, he is not taken aback at all.)

Telemarketer: “Yes! I looooooooooooooooove speaking English! I love talking to new people and having new experiences!”

Me: “Okay.”

Telemarketer: “May I ask how much you pay per month?”

Me: “My husband was the one who closed the deal with them so I don’t know the exact number, but it’s something in the 200 Norwegian Kroner area.”

Telemarketer: “That’s impossible.”

Me: “No, I’m quite positive I’m right.”

Telemarketer: “What kind of package do you have?”

Me: “Well, we really don’t watch much TV, so we only have the few public channels, plus five more channels.”

Telemarketer: “But that’s insane! You pay so much per channel! Our package is MUCH cheaper than that!”

Me: “You can look at it that way, but we only ever want to watch these channels. There is no point for us to pay more and get more channels, if we’re not going to watch them. There is no package which is overall cheaper than what we pay.”

Telemarketer: “But with our package, you can pay 350 Norwegian Kroner and get 30 channels! You would have three sports channels and a selection of children TV!”

Me: “350 Kroner is around 150 Kroner more than we pay for channels we will not watch. My husband buys sports content online when there’s something he wants to watch, and we have no kids at the moment.”

Telemarketer: “But you will get so many more channels!”

Me: “We don’t need them.”

Telemarketer: “But you’ll be able to go, ‘EENY, MEENY, MINY, MOE!'”

Me: “…”

Telemarketer: “So… no?”

Me: “No.”

Telemarketer: “Yeah… I didn’t think so.” *click*

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My, Mime-self, And I

| Working | April 16, 2013

(This takes place a month after I quit my job as a telemarketer. One day, I get a phone call from a different company trying to sell the same things I was selling at my old job.)

Telemarketer: “Hi, this is [name] from [company]. Is [my name] available?”

Me: “Speaking.”

Telemarketer: “Awesome! We at [company] are currently going through our old loyal customers and since you have been such a great…”

(At this point I recognize the pitch, as it was the exact same one I had been taught to use at my old work place.)

Me: *joining in* “…customer for us, we are glad to let you know that we are donating you six months’ worth of a magazine of your choice…”

(I continue talking at the same rhythm with him, repeating the old sales pitch from word to word. Surprised, he starts slowing down, until his words fade away and I finish the pitch alone.)

Me: “Yes, can you imagine getting six months of a magazine of your choice for free? The only thing you’ll need to worry about is the postage. So, for merely 20€ a month, you can get [lists various magazines] and receive a gift that is worth over 60€. What do you think? Shall we mail the first magazine this week?”

Telemarketer: “Uh…”

Me: “Yeah, sorry dude, not biting. Been there, done that.”

(He didn’t even bother to say good bye or anything and basically just dropped the call right there. On the positive side of things, they never called me again.)

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How To Make Them Call It Quits

| Working | April 12, 2013

(I have been getting calls from a charity asking me to donate money to them for over a week, and I’ve been getting pretty fed up.)

Cold Caller: “So as I said before, if you donate today, you can get—”

Me: “Okay, let me stop you right there. This is the sixth time in a week you have rung me, at dinner time, to demand money and each time I have said no I can not afford it right now.”

Cold Caller: *condescending* “Well, what if it were one of your children who needed help, became blind or god forbid, died?”

Me: “Well, now you come to mention it, my youngest child is partially sighted due to a condition called Duane Syndrome and I had to cremate my baby daughter last year as she was stillborn, so no I am not going to donate money that I don’t have when I have children here who need it.”

Cold Caller: *stammering* “Oh… um… okay. Well… um… I’m sorry to bother you.” *hangs up*

(Fortunately, that was the last time we ever heard from them again.)

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The Dangers Of Scold Calling

| Working | March 28, 2013

(My parents are on a long trip and have been away for four weeks. I am in their home to water the plants and take care of their mail.)

Me: “Hello (my name). You have come to [my parents’ name].”

Telemarketer: “Is this [my mother’s name]?”

Me: “No, it’s her daughter.”

Telemarketer: “This is a phone offer, so I would like to talk to [my mother’s name].”

Me: “My mother is not home, and I’m pretty sure she is not interested in your offer.”

Telemarketer: “Well, I talked to her a while ago.”

(I know my mother, and she usually scolds phone salesmen when they call.)

Me: “When did you talk to her?”

Telemarketer: “…At the beginning of last week.”

Me: “Strange…”

Telemarketer: “She seemed interested.”

Me: “My parents have been away for four weeks. So it seems unlikely that you spoke to my mother last week.”

Telemarketer: *hangs up*

(He called back a week later when my parents were home again. My mother scolded him!)

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Divine Wetribution

| Working | March 3, 2013

Telemarketer: “Is this Sheila? Why did you just hang up on me?”

Me: “Because you’re trying to sell me a water purification system.”

Telemarketer: “Well, I’m just calling so I can hang up on YOU!” *click*

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