Af-Fair Way To End A Call

| Working | January 22, 2013

(We’ve had several weeks of chronic calls from the same woman from a telemarketing company, always asking for my husband. She refuses to take our number, which is also listed in the Do Not Call registry. We’ve told her that her company is in violation of laws, to no avail. Once again, the same woman calls; this time, however, I decide to use a trick I’ve employed before.)

Caller: “Is Mr. [my husband] there?”

Me: “This is his wife. May I help you?”

Caller: “No, I need to speak to Mr. [my husband].”

(I feign yelling to my husband away from the phone.)

Me: “YOU SON OF A B****! This w**** has been calling you several times a week and doesn’t have the sense to call when I’m not here! I am sick of your f***ing affairs! THIS IS IT! You pack up and get out now! I AM CALLING A LAWYER!”

Caller: *click*

Husband: “Huh? What was that about?”

Me: “Oh… another telemarketer that did not get the idea of call lists.”

Husband: “So, I had another affair?”

Me: “Yup.”

(The company never called back!)

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It’s Curtains On This Scam

| Working | September 7, 2012

(My mum has a dislike for dishonest telemarketers, and has no qualms wasting their time. One day, just such a telemarketer calls, and my mom answers.)

Mum: “Hello?”

Telemarketer: “Hi, I’m calling you from the Windows Service Centre. We’ve been informed you’re downloading a virus every time you open Windows.”

Mum: *sarcastically* “Oh, really? I’m looking at my windows now, and they’re fine.”

Telemarketer: “Oh, no, we’ve been informed of a virus. If you can open Windows, I will help you fix—”

Mum: “But my windows are already open!”

Telemarketer: “N-no, those are the windows in your house.”

Mum: “Yeah, I’m opening and closing them right now. What is it you want me to do with them exactly?”

Telemarketer: “Open your Windows, please.”

Mum: “But they are open! There’s a lovely breeze as well.”

Telemarketer: “No! The Windows on your computer!”

Mum: “Oh yeah, I don’t have a computer.”

Telemarketer: *click*

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All Roads Lead To Hope

| Working | July 18, 2012

(This is a story my dad has told often. It happened back in the 70s.)

Telemarketer: “Congratulations, sir. You have been selected for our contest. If you can answer one skill testing question, you’ll win a prize. Are you in?”

My Dad: “Sure.”

Telemarketer: “Okay. I’ll give you four letters. Unscramble them to reveal the name of a well known American comedian. First name is Bob. Okay? E, O, H, P.”

My Dad: “Bob Hope?”

Telemarketer: “Congratulations! You’ve won a month’s worth of free lessons at [local dance studio]!”

My Dad: “No, thank you.”

(A few days later, he gets a call again. Clearly, they’ve forgotten to cross him off their list because they give the same contest and question. Dad, however, decides to have a little fun.)

My Dad: “Is it Bob Pohe?”

Telemarketer: “No, sir. Would you like to try again?”

My Dad: “Oh, sure. Is it Bob Hepo?”

(Dad goes through every combination he can think of except the correct answer. Eventually, the telemarketer gives up.)

Telemarketer: “Sorry, sir. We do, however, have a consolation prize. You get a month of free dance lessons at [local dance studio]!”

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Ron Paul Retribution

| Working | May 25, 2012

(I used to be a volunteer for Ron Paul, but I missed the deadline to switch party registrations and vote in the Republican Primary because I was having brain surgery. On Election Day, they call me.)

Caller: “Is [my name] there?”

Me: “That’s me.”

Caller: “Hi. I’m calling with the Ron Paul campaign. Have you voted yet today?”

Me: “Sorry, I missed the deadline to switch parties because I was having brain surgery.”

Caller: “If you’re going to make excuses for not voting, make it something not so serious!”

Me: “No, really. That’s my excuse. I was having brain surgery to remove a benign tumor and the deadline came and went. So, I’m still a Democrat.”

Caller: “It would have been easy to fill out a little form.”

Me: “I had a lot on my plate, okay?”

Caller: “You’re not a very good Ron Paul supporter, are you?”

Me: *click*

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The Pay’s Okay, But The Bosses Are A Real Chore

| Working | May 13, 2012

(I am a minor, but I love answering the phone in my house, and therefore often talk with many telemarketers. This one, though, takes the cake for strangest call.)

Caller: “Yes, this is [name] from [home security company]. I’d just like to ask a few questions about your home to get a better understanding of the systems that are or should be used in your area. Are you over 18 years of age?”

Me: “No.”

Caller: “I’m sorry ma’am, I didn’t catch that. Are you over 18 years of age?”

Me: *loudly and clearly* “NO.”

Caller: *still not understanding* “Alright, and what has your economic situation been in the past month?”

Me: “Well, my allowance went up five dollars!”

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