(We are conducting an experiment where we need to heat a test tube containing a substance to see how it reacts. Most of us are doing fine, but one girl keeps having issues. There have been several smashes of tubes from her station when the teacher intervenes.)

Teacher: “[Girl], what are doing?”

Girl: “Sir, the test tube keeps breaking.”

Teacher: “You’ve been putting them under the tap after heating them.”

Girl: “I know.”

Teacher: “Why?”

Girl: “Because they’re getting hot.”

Teacher: “But… that’s why they’re smashing: rapid expansion from the heat and shrinking from the cold. And, [Girl], this isn’t even part of today’s practical.”

Me: “But, sir, they’re getting hot!”

Teacher: “They’re supposed to.” *pinching his nose* “Please, just follow the exercise book.”

(She tried, but she couldn’t get beyond the fact that heating up glass made it hot. By the end of the year, she had broken so much equipment they had to increase the budget. Our teacher stuck with her, though, and she managed to pass with a B.)

(My boyfriend and I sit together in our Religions Studies class at school. We’re talking about a vampire movie we saw the night before, and my boyfriend produces a bottle of strawberry-flavoured syrup we were using on the ice cream we were eating.)

Me: “Kind of beautiful, having something that looks like blood while watching Underworld.”

Boyfriend: *with a glint in his eye* “Would you like a taste, my sweet?”

(He then dribbles some on his wrist. The syrup is far too transparent to be considered anywhere near real blood, but because I’m weird I decide to play along.)

Me: “Of course, my darling. Mmmmm, fresh man’s blood.”

(As I start making out with his wrist, the girl in front of us turns around, obviously wondering what we we’re talking about. She doesn’t look too impressed so I lift my mouth. I can’t tell from her expression that she’s clocked the “blood.” She locks eyes with me. I feel the syrup on my teeth when I smile.)

Me: “Can I help you?”

Boyfriend: *playing along and extending his wrist to her* “Would you like a taste?”

(I’ve never seen someone go white so fast. She didn’t even have time to scream before blacking out. We both got in trouble for our macabre performance, but to be honest, it serves her right for eavesdropping on our conversation.)

(I attend a private religious school and we are currently in ninth grade Bible class. Our teacher has given us a character worksheet to help us determine our strengths and weaknesses. One section involves us circling five words we would use to describe ourselves. The list has about 50 words with the most difficult word being vivacious. The class is mostly girls and is divided into ‘popular’ and ‘nerdy’, with me and my friends being on the nerdy side of the room.)

Popular Girl: “Mr. [Teacher], I don’t know what all these words mean.”

Teacher: “For now just stick with the words you know.”

Friend: *whispers* “That’s gonna be a small list for her.”

Teacher: “Just don’t start asking me what the words mean. I’d rather not waste our entire class time having to read a dictionary.”

Popular Girl: “Mr. [Teacher], what does intelligent mean?”

(The whole class, including the teacher laughs.)

Teacher: “Haha, very funny [Popular Girl], but seriously, I’d like us to have this done before the end of class.”

Popular Girl: “But I don’t know what it means.”

All: “Seriously?”

Popular Girl: “I really don’t know.”

Teacher: “Uh… if you don’t know, then don’t circle it.”

(We’re in media class discussing what to do for coursework. My friend is holding a flashdrive and we both look at it in silence for a moment.)

Friend: “Can I insert my USB into your port?”

(We’re in a booster class to help get us ready for our Science GSCEs. Our teacher is one of the strictest teachers, who tends to yell a lot. She’s good, but difficult to get on with. Our topic for today is organisms.)

Teacher: *walking through the door* “RIGHT! MAKING ORGASMS!”