(My best friend and I are an odd pair, and have no interest in dating each other. However, when we are out in public, people tend to assume we’re dating. We’ve come up with a way to say why we aren’t if they ask, because there are many factors. One day, during dinner, a woman walks up to us.)

Woman: “You two are, like, so cute! How long have you been dating?”

Best Friend: “Oh, we’re not dating. We’re just friends.”

Woman: “Oh, why not? You’d be so cute together.”

Me: “Well, first of all, he’s forty.”

Best Friend: “And she’s twenty.”

Me: “He’s gay.”

Best Friend: “She’s asexual.”

Me: “He has a boyfriend.”

Best Friend: “And she just doesn’t want one.”

Woman: “So, wait, I don’t get it. You two would be so cute together. I don’t understand why you aren’t.”

(My best friend and I exchange dumbfounded looks, not sure how to make her go away. Luckily, after a small pause, she wanders off. I have to say, that’s the first and only time that explanation hasn’t worked.)

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(My mother has a severe mustard allergy. Even a small bit will make her violently ill. We are at a drive-up fast food restaurant where you park next to a speaker and the food is brought to your car. My mother orders a plain hamburger. The employee brings our our meal, and my mother checks her sandwich before biting into it. It is covered in ketchup and mustard.)

Mother: *presses button speaker* “My sandwich is wrong. It needs to be PLAIN.”

(The employee comes out looking annoyed, takes the sandwich, and leaves without saying a word. A few minutes later she returns, practically throws the food at my mother, and leaves again. My mother opens the sandwich and explodes. It is the same sandwich with the condiments just partially scraped off. She rings the speaker again and requests a manager, and explains what has happened. The manager comes out to the car and starts speaking to my mother as if she’s a child.)

Manager: “[Employee] remade your sandwich completely, ma’am. She told me so. It’s not the same food.”

Mother: “YES, IT IS!”

Manager: “No. She remade it.”

(My mother silently holds up the sandwich and opens the bun to show that it’s still covered in ketchup and mustard.)

Manager: “I… see. I apologize. I’ll be right back with another one.”

(We would have loved to be a fly on the wall when the manager got her hands on the employee who had lied to her and made her look foolish.)

(I’m the newest and youngest employee at a fast food restaurant. Because of this the manager seems to think I’m completely incompetent and tends to watch me too carefully and step in when it’s not necessary.)

Me: “Hi there, sir! What would you like today?”

Customer: “Ah yes. Can I please have a medium hot chocolate? And can you make it half milk? It’s just too sweet for me.”

Me: “Of course. That’ll be [price].”

(I go off to make the drink. At this point, my manager is watching me like a hawk.)

Me: “Here you are!”

Customer: “Thanks!”

(Moments later, the man comes back to counter.)

Customer: “Hi, sorry! The milk just made the drink cold. Haha! I guess I didn’t think that through. Could you just add some more hot chocolate into this?”

Me: “Oh, I’ll just make you a new one. Let me just—”

(My manager suddenly appears beside me and interrupts.)

Manager: “Oh, I’m so sorry, sir. She’s new and she just doesn’t know what she’s doing. Would you like anything from the display? A muffin? A donut? Maybe a bagel? I’m so sorry. She’s still learning and—”

Customer: “Woah, there. She did nothing wrong and the drink was completely my fault. She’s doing fine on her own. So, do you mind?”

Manager: “Oh… yes. But of course.” *sulks away*

Me: *trying to hide the biggest smile on my face* “Ah, yes. So, the hot chocolate…”

(My friend and I have just walked into a restaurant when a lady bumps into me and stops at the doors. She just stands there for a few seconds when she turns to glare at her teenage sons behind her.)

Lady: “I ain’t opening no doors! I am your mother and you need to open the doors for me right now!”

(Her son rushes to open the door and they walk out, leaving me and my friend speechless.)

(Because our walk-in cooler is in a high traffic area, we are required to bang on the door when exiting so to alert anyone on the other side. While cleaning up another cook and I hear several rounds of banging, but no one exits. I go to open the door to see what’s up.)

Hostess: “Oh, my god! Thank God! I thought I was going to be stuck in there and freeze to death!”

Me: “Uh…”

Hostess: “I didn’t know how to get out!”

Me: “You just push on the door.”

Hostess: “Oh… Well, they didn’t train us on the walk-in.” *wanders off*

Cook: “Did that just really happen?”