(A waitress friend of mine has a couple who regularly comes in and jokes a lot together. One day, the man comes in with a different woman. This occurs as she’s getting ready to give them their check.)

Waitress: “You come back soon!”

Male customer: “I will.”

Waitress: *joking* “Oh, and you better be careful or I’ll have to tell your wife you were here with another woman.”

Female customer: “I am his wife. Who has he been here with?”

Waitress: “…I’ll take care of your check now.”

(The customer orders 15 chicken sandwiches on an overnight shift at 3 am. Overnights are ridiculously understaffed, and there is a long line in the drive-thru.)

Me: “Sorry, we’re waiting on your food. If you could just park, I’ll run it out to you when it is ready.”

Customer: “No, I’ll wait here.”

Me: “…”

Customer: “Last time I waited 20 minutes parked.”

(It is busy and I am frustrated at his idiocy.)

Me: “Well, it is three in the morning and you ordered a lot of food. I have the order for the next three customers, waiting behind you, all ready. You are being extremely ignorant and inconsiderate to those waiting behind you. I’d also like to bring to your attention that overnights are ridiculously understaffed. There is one person preparing food and just me and the first window girl in drive-thru. So, I’m sorry if you’ve waited long before, but I will try my best to not keep you waiting and get your order out much faster, but like I said, I am alone down here. If you would please pull up to a parking spot, I would appreciate it greatly. Thank you. Goodnight.”

(I close the window. The customer is stunned and pulls into the parking spot. Order is up in less than two minutes and I run it out to him.)

Me: “I am SO sorry for that ridiculously long wait. Enjoy your night.”

(It’s the third date or so. As is my habit, I make a typical reference to a property such as Star Wars.)

Date: “You’re a bit of a geek, aren’t you?”

Me: “Well, actually, a geek was a carnival sideshow where the performer would bite the head off a live chicken for the entertainment of the crowd.”

Date: “Do you realise how much of a geek you are for knowing what a geek actually is?”

(We’ve now been married for nine years.)

(I work in a family restaurant. The family is an elderly couple who pass their restaurant onto their two children, a brother and sister.)

Customer: “I’m [Male Owner]’s brother, and he always gives me a discount.”

Me: *seeing red flags* “Oh, okay. What’s your name?”

Customer: “Ryan.”

Me: “Okay, he’s actually here right now. I’ll let him know you’re here.”

Customer: *practically jumping out of his chair* “NO, don’t do that! It’s busy. I don’t want to bother him.”

Me: “Don’t be silly! We only have a few tables. He’d be mad if I didn’t tell him you were here. Plus, you’re family. He can set aside a few minutes. I’ll have him come out here, and I’ll let him know you want a discount, too.”

(I walk away, but instead of walking to the back, I walk right to the hostess stand and wait. I watch them as they get up, get their coats, and begin to leave, avoiding eye contact with me.)

Me: *with a patronizing half-smile* “Have a good night.”

(I’m with a group of friends at a restaurant, and we’ve gotten into a discussion about whether tomatoes are fruits or vegetables. One friend just won’t accept that tomatoes are technically fruit.)

Friend: “Tomatoes aren’t fruit, because you can make sauce out of them. You wouldn’t, like, take apples and make sauce out of them.”

(The whole group bursts out laughing.)

Me: “Uh… yeah, you would. It’s called ‘apple sauce.'”

(We never let her live that down.)