(My friend and I are eating at a grill-type restaurant. I notice one of the appetizers is something called, “Garlic Balls” which are described as fresh sourdough rolls filled with garlic butter sauce and topped with jack cheese.)

Me: “Hmm… how are the garlic balls?”

Waiter: “Well, do you like garlic and balls?”

Me: “I can honestly say that no one has ever before asked me that question.”

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(I like to eat at a popular sandwich joint, where they make your food in front of you. Most employees are thrilled to receive my order, since I’ve noticed many customers holding up the line thinking what to get while they’re already ordering. This one wasn’t as smooth:)

Me: “Hi, could I get a half-sized honey-oat sub with grilled chicken, cheese, extra blue-cheese, grilled, please!”

Employee: “Okay… tuna right? With parmesan bread, no cheese?”

Me: “Umm, not exactly.” *repeating my order slowly so that the employee actually has time to make it at the same time*

Employee: “…and what would you like from the fresh fillings?” *the sub is still in the oven at this point*

Me: “I’ll take everything except for the hot peppers.”

(The employee takes sub from oven, adds only cucumber and proceeds to next section.)

Me: “Hey, could you add the rest? Just hold the hot peppers; I’ll have everything else.”

Employee: *annoyed* “You could’ve told me the first time, you know!”

Me: “Okay… sorry about that.”

Employee: “And which sauce and seasonings?”

Me: “BBQ and onion, but just a little of them both.”

Employee: *grabs mayonnaise*

Me: “Excuse me, I didn’t want that! Just the BBQ and onion, but less than you usually put on. And I’ll have all of the seasonings, please.”

(The employee put on only one out of four. I decided to leave it. At the checkout, he then forgot to charge extra for the add-ons, so I didn’t bother complaining.)

(I call to order a salad and a small cheese pizza, which is a task and a half, constantly being asked to re-spell and repeat information three or four times. I’m paying with a credit card over the phone when this occurs.)

Employee: “All right, and when does that card expire?”

Me: “April twenty-nineteen.”

Employee: “When?”

Me: “April twenty-nineteen.”

Employee: “April… okay, it says this card is expired.”

Me: “It’s not… It’s good until April twenty-nineteen.”

Employee: “Sorry, can you give me the number again?”

Me: “The card number?”

Employee: “Yes.”

Me: *recites slowly, four numbers at a time*

Employee: “Yeah, it’s expired.”

Me: “No, it’s not.” *thinks of an idea* “It expired on four-slash-nineteen.”

Employee: “OH. Four-nineteen! I thought you said nineteen-twenty! The total will be fourteen sixty-five.”

Me: “…Thanks.”

(I’m a waitress at a fairly well-known restaurant chain that does lunch combos on weekdays. I am serving two little old ladies and trying to explain the combos to them.)

Me: *pointing to column A on the menu with both women looking at it* “If you get two items from this column, it’s $6.99.” *pointing to column B* “Two from here would be $8.99.” *pointing to both columns* “If you get one from each side then it’s $7.99.”

Old Lady #1: “Okay. I see.”

Me: “Do you need a little more time to decide?”

Old Ladies: “Yes, please.”

(I leave and return a couple of minutes later.)

Me: “Did I give you enough time?”

Old Lady #2: “I suppose we’ll both have the shrimp linguine.”

Me: “Okay, and what would you like with it?”

Old Lady #2: “Oh, what comes with it?”

(Our local takeaway sells a chicken roll and for a while had a special menu item of a bacon, chicken, and cheese roll — basically, the same thing as the chicken roll but with bacon and cheese. Some locations have it on the menu, while some don’t but still sell it. I go into one location where it’s not on the menu but decide to try my luck anyway. They make rolls and burgers to order.)

Me: “Hi, can I have a bacon, cheese, and chicken roll, please?”

Cashier: “We no longer sell that. If it’s not on the menu, we don’t sell it, and it’s not on the menu. See?” *motions to menu and rolls eyes at colleague as if I am the dumbest person to ever walk into their store*

Me: “Oh, okay. Can I have a custom order chicken roll with added bacon and cheese, then?”

Cashier: “Sure!”