The Nightmare Customer Before Halloween

, , , , , | Right | October 30, 2018

(The shopping center my store is located in is doing a special Halloween event for children where they can go trick-or-treating in the different stores. I am manning the bowl of candy, which my manager has taped a sign to asking customers to please leave the candy for the children. An older customer has come up to me.)

Customer: “Oh, candy!” *she reaches in to grab a piece*

Me: “Oh, I’m sorry, ma’am, but would you mind leaving it for the children? We’re running low ,and the event’s supposed to last another couple hours.”

Customer: “Oh, that’s all right. I’m just going to look around for a bit.”

(She moves away, and I turn back to giving out candy to a group of children who’ve just entered. A few minutes later, I hear a rustling sound behind me and turn to find the customer from before reaching in and grabbing a huge handful of candy.)

Me: “Ma’am, could you put that back, please?”

Customer: “No!” *smiles, shoves the candy into her bag, and leaves*

Me: *speechless*


Bounce Them Right On Out Of There

, , , , | Right | October 27, 2018

(I work at a fairly high-end home furnishings chain. A woman comes into the store and I go to greet her.)

Customer: “Hi. I was wondering if you would replace a chair I bought here. I got it home, and two weeks later, it broke.”

Me: “All right, which chair was it?”

(She describes a popular chair style, which is made of highly durable reeds, loosely woven into the bowl-shaped seat.)

Customer: “Yeah, my kids were jumping on it, and then it broke.”

Me: “…”

(Here’s a tip: if you want the store to replace your expensive chair, maybe don’t let slip that it only broke when your children were using it as a trampoline.)


, , , , , | Right | October 9, 2018

(‘m working a fairly slow shift with my manager when a young woman with her two children enters the store carrying a bag.)

Me: “Hi, welcome to [Store]. What can I help you with this evening?”

Customer: “I bought these candles a couple weeks ago for my mother, but she said she’d rather have some of the flameless ones like I have at home.”

(She sets the candles on the counter, and immediately I know something’s up: the candles are clearly melted like they’ve been sitting in her car for most of the summer and the scents she claims to have bought a few weeks ago we stopped selling a few months ago.)

Me: “All right, do you have your receipt?”

Customer: “Oh, no, my son threw it away just now.”

Me: “I can try to look it up for you, no problem.”

Customer: *uncomfortable* “Oh, sure, but can’t you just put it on a merchandise card? What if I exchanged them for candles of equal value?””

Me: “Well, I’d still need your original receipt to issue the exchange. Only managers can issue something on merchandise credit without the receipt, and she’s helping another customer at the moment.”

(Earlier I’d shown her children a cat-shaped pen that meows which we have as an impulse buy item at the register. I notice her son take it apart and put it in his mouth. This is the last cat pen we have.)

Me: “Uh, ma’am?”

(She takes the pen and hands it to me. Since it’s been in his mouth we’re going to have to damage it out if she doesn’t buy it. She then starts “looking” for her receipt while I attempt to keep her son from playing with the card reader and some expensive hand-blown glass decorations. Eventually my manager finishes with her customer and comes in to help, explaining that without a receipt, we don’t accept returns. The woman leaves with the candles and her children.)

Manager: “Looks like you’ve met [Customer].”

(Turned out, the customer had a bad habit of buying things at seasonal sales and trying to come back months later to return them. We had to damage out the pen since she didn’t want to buy it.)

I Wish I Was A Woman, Just Like My Dear Papa!

, , , , , , | Related | September 14, 2018

(I’m reading a list of patron saints on the Internet, and chatting about it over text with my mom. A little while before this, I’d mentioned the fact that out of four patron saints of pregnancy, three are male.)


Mom: “YAY!”



Mom: “Actually, after the pregnancy-saint talk, I want the patron saint of lumberjacks to be a super-dainty gay man.”

Me: “Actually, yes, please. That’s the only thing that would be better than this.”

Got Their Brain For Free

, , , , , , | Right | July 5, 2018

(A customer comes up to the counter with two clearance items, which are on special — buy one, get one half-off — which is clearly signed.)

Me: “Your total is $13.23.”

Customer: *confused* “This isn’t half-off?”

Me: “No, ma’am. The sale is buy one, get one half-off.”

Customer: “Okay. I’ll put [more expensive one] back, then.”

Me: “Okay. Your new total is $5.29.”

Customer: “I thought this was half-off.”

Me: “The sale is buy one, get one half-off.”

Customer: *looks at sign* “Oh, I guess I need to learn to read.” *hands me seven ones to pay*

Me: *internally* “Need to learn to count, too.”

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