I Wish I Was A Woman, Just Like My Dear Papa!

, , , , , , | Related | September 14, 2018

(I’m reading a list of patron saints on the Internet, and chatting about it over text with my mom. A little while before this, I’d mentioned the fact that out of four patron saints of pregnancy, three are male.)

Me: “THERE’S A PATRON SAINT OF LUMBERJACKS! MY LIFE IS COMPLETE!”

Mom: “YAY!”

Me: “HE EVEN HAS A FLUFFY BEARD!”

Mom: “OF COURSE HE DOES; HOW COULD HE NOT?”

Mom: “Actually, after the pregnancy-saint talk, I want the patron saint of lumberjacks to be a super-dainty gay man.”

Me: “Actually, yes, please. That’s the only thing that would be better than this.”

Got Their Brain For Free

, , , , , , | Right | July 5, 2018

(A customer comes up to the counter with two clearance items, which are on special — buy one, get one half-off — which is clearly signed.)

Me: “Your total is $13.23.”

Customer: *confused* “This isn’t half-off?”

Me: “No, ma’am. The sale is buy one, get one half-off.”

Customer: “Okay. I’ll put [more expensive one] back, then.”

Me: “Okay. Your new total is $5.29.”

Customer: “I thought this was half-off.”

Me: “The sale is buy one, get one half-off.”

Customer: *looks at sign* “Oh, I guess I need to learn to read.” *hands me seven ones to pay*

Me: *internally* “Need to learn to count, too.”

Not Much Sleeping Involved

, , , , , , | Related | May 4, 2018

(My grandparents are visiting from North Dakota and are staying at my family’s house, which is relatively small and has a distinct lack of guest bedrooms.)

Grandma: *to my parents* “We’re not kicking you out of your room again, are we? Where will you be sleeping?”

Dad: “Around. Wait, that came out wrong.”

Me: *hysterical laughter*

Unfiltered Story #108210

, , , | Unfiltered | April 3, 2018

(This takes place when I still worked at my store from 6 am – 2 pm as a cashier. Someone had to quit the morning shift and placed me as the morning cashier, a.k.a I’m the only one in a actual lane until the other cashiers arrive around 10 am. This takes place one morning while checking out a customer.)

Me: “Alright, do you have a loyalty card with us toda—”

(Suddenly, an elderly lady decides to come around my check-lane and interrupts my conversation with the customer.)

Elderly Lady: “Excuse me, is there anyone that can check me out? I need to do this quickly as possible.”

(She proceeds to go to the next check lane. Again, I am the only cashier currently there; plus, I’m currently helping someone else. And the kicker, our cash registers only let us log into one cash register when we are working. And yes, we do have self-checkout.)

Me: “Umm, I’m sorry but I am the only cashier here at the moment.”

(The elderly lady quickly takes her only item, a box of strawberries, and heads to the self checkout.)

Customer: “Should have done that from the beginning…”

(My thoughts exactly.)

Well, They Have To Teach It Somewhere

, , , , , | Working | March 12, 2018

(I’m driving down to Tennessee to view the 2017 solar eclipse, and I’ve stopped at a hotel in Louisville for the night. When I go to check out, the computer is taking a while to print my receipt, so the clerk is chatting with me while we wait.)

Clerk: “So, where are you from?”

Me: “Lancaster, Pennsylvania.”

Clerk: “Oh, okay. Isn’t there a college there?”

Me: “Yes. F and M.”

Clerk: “S and M?”

Me: *internally giggling* F and M. Franklin and Marshall.”

Clerk: “Oh, yeah. That’s it!”

(I don’t know if he even realized what he had said, but I certainly did!)

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