(My boyfriend has promised to see me during my play, but now can’t make it for family reasons. To make it up to me, he buys me a bouquet of white roses. He comes over to my parents’ place, where I live.)

Boyfriend: *kneeling* “Oh, my darling, if only words could put together the utmost regret I have for failing you at one of your brightest moments. Let these white roses symbolize my sincerest apologies and my earnest adoration for you.”

Me: “Heh, laying it on thick, I see.”

Boyfriend: “I try. Only the best for my sweetie-kins.”

(As my boyfriend hands me the roses, my mother smacks my dad in the arm while sitting beside her.)

Dad: “Ow! What did I do?”

Mom: “How come you never do that kind of thing for me?!”

(Some time later, my mom puts my boyfriend’s roses in a vase to freshen up my room.)

Mom: “You know, legend has it that cut flowers live longer if the person that gave them to you really loves you.”

Me: “Aw, that’s sweet! Daddy gave you flowers recently, didn’t he?”

Mom: “…yeah, those only lasted for two days.”

(Mine last for more than two weeks.)

(My girlfriend and I are getting cuddly in her bedroom during one of my visits. When we get cuddly, we also get sappy and a wee bit competitive.)

Girlfriend: “You’re infinity amazing to the infinity-eth power.”

Me: “Ooh! Well, uh… you’re infinity amazing to the love power.”

Girlfriend: “That’s less than infinity.”

Me: “What? No, it’s not! Love is worth so much more than infinity.”

Girlfriend: “No, love means zero in tennis.”

(My husband and I are cuddling in bed when my stomach starts to gurgle.)

Husband: “What was that?”

Me: “Sorry, I missed lunch.”

(My stomach gurgles again and my husband pulls my shirt up and taps on my stomach, which gurgles yet again.)

Husband: “It’s talking to me!”

Me: “No, leave it alone; it doesn’t want to talk to you.”

(He taps my stomach and then presses his ear to it.)

Husband: “It says that you need to remember to eat. It also says that you should stop eating so much chocolate.”

Me: “No, lies!”

(My stomach growls loudly.)

Husband: “See!”

(I have recently started dating a girl.)

Me: “Yeah, we’ve been going out about a month, and our next date is going to be next weekend.”

Friend: “What’re you going to do?”

Me: “Doctor Who marathon.”

Friend: “And she agreed to that?”

Me: “Dude, her dating website profile picture was of her hugging a cardboard cut-out of the 10th Doctor.”

Friend: “SHE’S A KEEPER!”

(I’m lazing around in my room, watching anime on my computer, when I hear my brother holler at me.)

Brother: “Want some tea and chocolate?”

Me: *thinking he’s offering to spoil me* “That’d be lovely.”

Brother: “Great, fetch me some while you’re in the kitchen.”