(My 10-year-old daughter is attending a summer bible school. Today they have done face painting. In the evening she comes into my bedroom after her bath, and I notice that she still has black paint on the sides of her face, so I tell her to go rewash her face.)

Daughter: “We can pretend it’s hair!”

Me: “No, you don’t have sideburns!”

Daughter: “We can tell people it’s bruises!”

Me: “NO! People will think we beat you!”

Daughter: “It’s okay; I’ll tell them I fell.”

Me: “That’s the excuse everyone uses!”

Daughter: *whispers* “I can make them believe it…”

(I’m not sure if I’m impressed or terrified.)

(I’m in high school, and the third ‘Harry Potter’ novel has just come out. To refresh my memory, I’m rereading the first book in the series. Dad pokes his head into my room.)

Dad: “Oooh! Whatcha reading?”

(I show him the book cover.)

Dad: “Harry Potter? Aren’t you tired of the rabbit?”

Me: “What?”

Dad: “Aren’t you tired of reading about the rabbit?”

Me: “I’m really not in the mood for joking, Dad.”

Dad: “I’M SORRY; I WASN’T JOKING!”

(He slams the door. The nearest we can figure is that he was confusing ‘Harry Potter’ with Beatrix Potter!)

(We have a pit bull dog who loves to play with stuffed animals. Unfortunately, his idea of ‘playing’ is to rip all the stuffing out. Because of this, he’s only allowed toys rarely. We are tidying up for guests, and there are toy innards all over the floor.)

Husband: *sounding mad* “The floor needs to be swept again since SOMEONE gave the dog a toy!” *glares at me*

Me: “…wait. Didn’t YOU give him the toy?”

Husband: “That is beside the point. DON’T BRING YOUR LOGIC INTO MY RANT!”

(My boyfriend-of-a-month and I are lying in bed talking when we start being silly and tickling each other. After awhile he gets so carried away, that he spontaneously licks my arm.)

Boyfriend: *looking mortified* “I am SO sorry! That was weird, and I totally understand if you thin—”

(I cut him off by quickly licking his forehead.)

Me: “SIMBA!”

(I am transgender, female-to-male. I have already transitioned at my high school several months ago, and have recently come out to my extremely religious and homo/transphobic parents. My younger siblings, however, are extremely supportive, since they all like me reasonably well already, and my parents haven’t had time to tell them how evil transgendered people are yet. I’m trying to explain the situation to them in a way that doesn’t step on my parents’ toes too much, but also is the truth, since I never lie to my younger siblings about anything.)

Me: “It’s actually pretty simple. I’m just a boy, that’s all. I feel like a boy, and I’m more comfortable being a boy and having other people talk to me like I’m a boy. I just don’t have a body that looks like most boys’ bodies.”

Sister: “I bet Mom hates that though.”

Me: “Well, yeah, but—”

Sister: “That’s because Mom doesn’t believe in fairy tales. Well, she believes in the fake ones that are all sweet and airy-fairy, but not the ones that are…” *she puts her hands up in a monster pose* “DARK and REAL!”

Me: “That is the best way to say it, ever.”

(That is exactly the way that I’ve thought of the differences between my parents and me ever since!)